All Fall Apart
Political rundown of the United States of America.
May 12, 2038.
Democratic Party: Pretty much in a perpetual state of shock since Wayne went ballistic at the G20. Oh god now we're set to lose at least 80 seats in the House. The president may have truncheoned the Chinese ambassador who spat on a protestor. Everything's on fire. Oh fuck
The White House: Wayne might be in office, but the true power lies with the PR experts.
Bruce Wayne, President [Progressive]: Just...not having a good time. His spouse and his daughter are both dead, his second son is in a coma, and Malofeyev made the fucker behind the attacks his representative to the UN*. People are doing the Liz Truss challenge* on the 25th Amendment now. It's all looking a bit precarious at the moment.
Joy Hofmeister, Vice President [Communitarian]: At least she's getting some de jure internship experience for being president. Depending on how things go, it might also be a detox from wanting to be president. Or a premature promotion. Possibly both.
Brian Schatz, Secretary of State [Liberal]: Can I just pour one out for him? He was supposed to stay in the Senate as Majority Whip and take over for Klobuchar. Instead he's having to prevent the Naxalists and the theocrats from triggering MAD over Kashmir, somehow picking the right side to help in a piss-fight between Qatar and Iran, and making sure that the French don't back out of NATO. And now he's part of the de facto troika between himself, Hofmeister, and Reiman ever since Wayne went off the rails, if he was ever on them.
Sara Nelson, Secretary of Labor [Progressive]: Not sure who's in charge, which is presumably bad. She's been allowed to push through union protections to her heart's content, though.
Thomas Reiman, White House Chief of Staff [Progressive]: Pretty much the only person keeping Wayne from self-destructing.
Congressional Caucuses: Thank god for 2036, or they'd be really fucked. Which is saying something when the DCCC is looking down the barrel at 80-seat losses.
Pete Aguilar, Speaker of the House [Liberal]: Speaking of whom, he's trailing Alliance '50 by 8 points in his own district. If Alliance makes it to the runoff, that is.
Amy Klobuchar, Senate Majority Leader [Liberal]: The Klobberer is finally contemplating retirement after 30 years in the chamber and 10 as its leader. I'm sure the leadership fight won't be a bloodletting shitfest, especially if the polls stay as they are.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Chair of the House Justice Caucus [Progressive]: Regretting her decision to stay in the House right about now. Though the HJC is likely to have the fewest losses, so silver lining there.
John Fetterman, Chair of the Senate Justice Caucus [Progressive]: The lion of the Senate Democratic Caucus is on his way out after 16 years in the Senate. As likely as this is to result in a Republican pickup, I can't help but feel happy for his retirement. He deserves it.
Jared Golden, Senator for Maine [Blue Dog]: The strongest advocate for a Wayne resignation / impeachment. As well as listing off all the centrist headbanger hits, but I'm pretty sure that's his job.
Brace Belden, Representative for California [Democratic Socialist]: The "Dark Cowboy" isn't exactly enjoying his time in the House, but at least the informal DSA caucus is twenty-two members strong.
Democratic National Committee / "The Party": At least Wayne won them 331 House seats last time.
Jane Kleeb, DNC Chairwoman [Communitarian]: Wishing she had tried less hard in the '32 Senate race.
Ruben Gallego, Senator for Arizona / DSCC Chairman [Progressive]: At least his seat isn't up this year.
Danica Roem, Representative for Virginia / DCCC Chairwoman [Progressive]: The cliff to keep the GOP from gaining a hundred House seats is steepening by the day, but she should be able to see the DCCC through the next six months.
Don Davis, Governor of North Carolina / DGA Chairman [Liberal]: Considering the bleak polling numbers nationally, it's honestly amazing how Dems are still ahead by enough in enough races that the general prediction includes Dems keeping 28 governorships. Good job, Don, you did good.
Republican Party: Theoretically they'd be ahead of the Democrats in opinion polls by at least 4%, but apparently even a batshit-insane "socialist" president can't get you more than 180 house seats. At this point, it might be best if you start over - the GOP is dead and Matt Walsh killed it.
Republican leadership / "The Establishment": Lol they're barely over 30% approval with the party base get railed
Ashley Hinson, House Minority Leader [Conservative]: On one hand, the last-woman-standing from the GOP's House leadership team in '36. On the other hand, having the worst leadership team since Kevin McFraud's Mickey Mouse Slaughterhouse. And this is the National Review's "dream president"?
Mike Gallagher, Senate Minority Leader [Conservative]: Sorely regretting not running in '36, considering how well a one-term Connecticut representative who voted for Wayne wound up doing in the primaries. At least the GOP will gain Senate seats this year. Probably.
Frank LaRose, Governor of Ohio / RGA Chairman [Conservative]: It's telling when the GOP's old "golden boy" is now only in the news because he might lose his primary to Jake Paul.
Adrian Lukis, RNC Chairman [MAGA]: How desperate do you have to be to consider the guy responsible for the last guy's landslide defeat the person to get you out of this electoral mess? I suppose losing by 230 electoral votes is an improvement over losing by 510.
Congressional Patriotic Caucus / "The Trumpists": Ironically, now the center ground of the GOP.
Sean Reyes, Senate Minority Whip [MAGA]: Barely hung on in '36 because of his overt Trumpist posturing and now he's course-correcting by ... more posturing, for fuck's sake.
Jessica Taylor, Senator for Alabama [MAGA]: The Boebert of the Senate is just not too good at this whole "legislative" malarkey, is she? It's the twelfth time she's tried to propose a funding bill now. From the Senate. She couldn't find a nutter in the House desperate enough to help you sponsor it?
Alex Mooney, Senator for West Virginia [MAGA]: He's ... still here, that's for sure.
Byron Donalds, House Minority Whip [MAGA]: See? This is what I meant when I say "worst leadership team since McFraud".
Javon Price, Representative from Virginia [MAGA]: The only person approaching respectability in this gang of motley far-right assholes. A pity he's decided to keep slumming in the House instead of running (and losing) for governor.
National Freedom Front / "Free Matt Walsh" / "The Insurrectionists": This is where shit gets freaky
Tulsi Gabbard, Commentator / '36 vice-presidential nominee [MAGA]: Screaming about how the "homosexual globalist MIC" framed Walshie for child abuse because he didn't want to start "Woke War III". Remember when she was the future of the progressive Democrats? Good times.
Matt Shea, Representative from Washington [MAGA]: How is this guy still in the House? He's been kidnapping "adopting" orphans from Belarus and spends more time gallivanting about with his Three-Percenter buddies than in D.C. proper. The number of votes he misses alone should qualify him for expulsion.
Robert Rundo, Neo-Nazi commentator / leader of the "Spartan Front" [Militia]: Oh god an actual neo-Nazi militia leader is the de-facto leader of these loons. Fuck me.
Nick Fuentes, Expelled frm. Representative from Indiana / alt-right commentator [Neofascist]: I'd be more scared of him if he weren't so fucking pathetic.
Jackson Hinkle, Commentator / House nominee from California [Patriotic Socialist]: This guy? The guy who ran against Wayne in the '29 mayoral race, got BTFOed, pissed off to the Greens for a few years, tried to primary Brisport then moved back to California to run for McCarthy's old district? This guy is your electoral future?
... now I see why you're trying your luck with not being blown up by the National Guard.
Alliance '50: On one hand, they've finally coalesced Amash's not-insane libertarians, Labranche's ex-Democrats, Kinzinger's ex-Republicans and the last of the Rockefeller Republicans into one party. On the other hand is the entire history of the Reform Party.
Libertarians / Ex-Reps: Oh look, it's the least electorally successful part of the party. Thank god they're not - oh they're 58% of your statewide parties?
Justin Amash, Frm. Representative from Michigan / '36 independent presidential candidate [Centrist]: Seems to be cautious about the party platform, which is probably the best choice.
Beth Fukumoto, '28 Forward vice-presidential nominee [Romney Republican]: Bragging about the Alliance becoming the second-biggest party in Hawaii. Considering the state of the GOP, that's not nearly as impressive as she wants you to think it is.
Christine Drazan, Frm. Governor of Oregon / '28 Republican presidential candidate [Conservative]: A pretty good example of "the GOP left me". Alongside Kinzinger, Cheney, Beutler and Sununu but that's beside the point.
Ex-Dems: Your most left-wing member is ... Carrick Flynn. Well that's an improvement over Joe Sestak, I suppose.
Carrick Flynn, House Opposition Leader / '38 Oregon senate nominee [Bloomberg Dem]: Now that the ORGOP has gone broke I suppose he'll do better in the Senate race. Will he win? Probably not, but it would beat Christian Walker ousting Ossoff.
Eric Adams, Frm. NYC Mayor / '34 New York gubernatorial nominee [Radical Centrist]: Why is he even here? He's barely any different from a big-city tough-on-crime Democrat.
Contrarians: You started a party with the tagline "Fuck The Establishment", Amash, how are you surprised by the number of edgy "I aM An iNDiViduAl" Zoomers and Gen-Alphas who signed on?
Calla Walsh, Commentator / '32 Green Massachusetts senate candidate [Anti-Imperialist]: Would probably be a better organizer if she spent 10% less time shilling out for CGTN.
Joe Rogan, Commentator [Radical Centrist / Libertarian]: Just here for the shits and giggles, it seems. Which is probably fair enough.
The Rest of the World: Mostly looking on in trepidation. But beyond that ...
Amazon: Bezos has been throwing a shit-fit ever since Wayne nationalized what was left of Lockheed Martin.
People's Republic of China: Still seething over Wayne putting army depots on Taiwan. Even more seethed over their inability to "retake" Taiwan, because even Chen Weihua can see that an invasion would probably end with the glassing of Zhongnanhai. Though they do have a leadership crisis to sort out first.
Li Qiang, General Secretary / Paramount Leader [de jure]: Still in power despite having remained in seclusion ever since his stroke in December '37. The vast majority of the party is still loyal to him, though the power struggle within the State Council could spill over to the rest of the party ...
Hu Haifeng, Vice Premier / Minister of Science and Technology: The son of ex-premier Hu Jintao and another princeling, Hu seems to be a popular figure with the party elders and the public (though both are very debatable). People have spoken of him as a future Paramount Leader, though his day in the sun could come much earlier ...
Guo Ningning, Vice Premier / Minister of Foreign Affairs: The only woman to serve on the State Council has also been making her moves behind the scenes. The "Iron Lady" has surprisingly proved to be more adept at diplomatic glad-handing than her predecessor, though she is just as ruthless behind the curtains.
Qin Weizhong, Vice Premier / Minister of Housing and Urban-Rural Development: The semi-reformist ex-Shenzen Mayor has proved to be relatively competent compared to the rest of his mayoral colleagues and could prove to be a formidable successor when Li relinquishes his power.
Meta: Still alive, against all expectations. Still shit, too. And in all likelihood still stealing everyone's data.
Russia (Popular Democratic Front): Now the likeliest people to come out on top in the Russian Smuta, what with all the western aid and volunteers and will of the people. I suppose serfdom / internment under Malofeyev or stagnation under Sobyanin Patrushev Kiriyenko Alikhanov Manturov weren't exactly tempting.
Yevgeny Roizman, President: The one man the assorted communists, liberals, populists and localists could agree on to lead the Democratic Provisional Administration is doing a good job at keeping Yekaterinburg relatively clean, orderly, and un-bombed. This immediately makes both him and his beloved city targets for the Black Hundreds, but considering their arms depots finally running out he's probably going to be survive the war just fine. That inevitable constitutional convention though ...
Denis Parfyonov, Prime Minister: One of the few leaders of the Popular Front who served in the Putin-era Duma and the de facto point of contact between Yekaterinburg and Vladivostok.
Sergei Boiko, Representative to the United Nations: A Navalny stalwart and
Isabel Magkoeva: The
Mikhail Lobanov:
Ilya Yashin:
Nikolai Kasyan: Still imprisoned in Vladivostok, and having a lot of fun (relative) with how the Feds hate him but can't kill him because Wayne will cut military aid and start drafting plans to cross the Bering Strait.
Russia ("The Black Hundreds"): Lol get fucked Malofeyev you crazy hobo-looking fuck
Konstantin Malofeyev, Regent [as Konstantin I]: His armies are being pushed west of the Omsk, St. Petersburg and Tsaritsyn are under constant attack, and the money reserves are finally drying up. Also he's losing his marbles, but it's not as if he had that many to begin with.
Russia ("The Feds"): Just not having a fun time. The Tsarists squeezed them out of St. Petersburg, the Front squeezed them out of Moscow, and now they've been reduced to a rump state in the Urals and Siberia - assuming the U.S. doesn't begin Manifesting Destiny towards the northern Far East ...
Denis Manturov, President: Pretty much in charge on the sole virtue of being last-one-standing in the Moscow Kaliningrad Vladivostok government's conga line of leaders. The Putinists hate him for vaguely gesturing towards political reform, the reformists hate him for arresting half of the Duma's opposition, and the leftists hate him for turning Siberia into a de facto Chinese protectorate. Good times.
Starlink / SpaceX / etc: Still being nationalized by the Dept. of Defense after Musk fled to Zimbabwe. Musk is still contesting this. From Zimbabwe.
Elon Musk: Apparently he's trying to turn Zimbabwe into an actual corpocracy. Good grief, if there was ever a justified "forever war" intervention ...
Tumblr: Still alive, and has been pretty much in a state of mass grief ever since March. Considering the events after the attack, I can see why.
Notes:
1. See that time Iran made the fucking Joker its UN ambassador. No, really. That's how Death in the Family ends.
2. You know how the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom was just outlasted by a fucking head of iceberg lettuce?
In progress. This might actually the biggest rundown I've made, considering how I'm
not even done with the Democrats yet.
