April 16, 2020 - pol/us/frontpage
Pan-Gold Alliance: You may think it's dumb that our political system is so oriented around trilateral relations that the entire spectrum of Pacificist parties compete to field one (1) presidential candidate. I think it's worth it to see Dino Rossi realize, on live television in the middle of a debate, that a) Tulsi Gabbard is for real b) Tulsi Gabbard is really running c) Tulsi Gabbard will probably win the nomination d) Tulsi Gabbard might well win the election e) he's likely going to have to vote to take down the dams on the Columbia River if he doesn't want to lose access to all that sweet, sweet, zaibatsu money.
New Whig Party: President Bush is definitely not running for a fifth term. Definitely not. ...Unless...
Progressive Ecology Party: Korean sweatshops and mining penal colonies, but woke. One of their State Reps flew down from Alaska to protest the Neches River Intermodal Terminal and got in the news for passing out due to heatstroke, while the Governor of the party is literally evicting First Nations to New Industrial City Zones so it looks like they're not just a massive scam. Priorities!
National Liberal Party: Allen West doesn't know what all these Anglo conservatives are doing joining his party, but he sure isn't happy about it. I suppose entryism is a valid concern, but also, where else are they really going to go? Although admittedly most of the new members seem to be doing this out of a sense of "I swear to God I'm not racist".
Pan-Red Alliance: Stop trying to make the National Confederation of Trade Unions joining the CIO happen, it's not going to happen. Definitely stop talking about the General Strike of 2004, which the NCTU sees as "that time all those Moscow people shut down our jobsites for something we didn't even want to be involved in".
National Labor Party: Socialism for people who don't really care about politics. Everybody is just sort of hoping that Aiken can mouth the right words about "working-class values" for long enough that he can be the next Reagan. Good luck with that?
Social Democratic Party: Socialism for people who care about politics. Cory Booker, what are you doing here? It would make a lot more sense if you were just trying to run for President, but no, you're just continuing to talk about housing issues, as one does. Good for you.
Communist Party of the United States of America: Socialism for people who really, really care about politics. It's weirder to think about them having actual power in a state than to think about that being in a coalition with the Pan-Goldists of all the people.
National Youth Alliance: Platform items! Nothing about foreign policy! Just the job guarantee! They sure do know their audience.
"Outsider Parties":
National Values Party: Half of their Board of Executives went to Italy and praised both Mussolinis, which would very possibly sink a normal party. After the "our Presidential nominee is a secret member of the Silver Shirts" thing from last time, though, I don't especially think anyone cares.
Republican Party: The last holdout of the Party of Hoover, Rockefeller, and Romney. Pretty proud of the last one, which is why they're probably never leaving the Jello Belt. Senator Huntsman is becoming increasingly visibly uncomfortable with being in a caucus with Trent Lott and Alan Keyes, which is probably a lot more entertaining than it is significant.
Democratic Party: Still chugging along, pumping out gerontocratic mayors in East Coast cities. Their contingent on the Philadelphia City Council has started holding independent meetings since new Mayor Krasner said "we should do reforms somewhat", which means that they both get to do what they do best: the reformists get to run around looking lost and fumble new initiatives into somehow passing, and the Democrats get to sit around in community centers and glare at passing teenagers for existing.
Non-Partisan League: The "The Other Moscow" joke is getting a little old by this point. Not that running things from a college town in Idaho was really a good idea to begin with for an ostensibly international party. Though it sure beats that creepy goat costume from 2010.
National Action: Alan Keyes is not a thing, even if he did manage to win a congressional election by, like, half a point.
Solutions Party: Winning votes from garage dads who listen to border blasters and drink craft beer since 2002.