AMERICA DIVIDES: The Multi-Party US Election of 2016

[Thande]

"As we just heard, the California results are now coming in thick and fast..."

	CA-23		
	Nat          	110,788   	45.2%
	Lib          	47,090    	19.2%
	Prog          	41,224    	16.8%
	Fus          	31,563    	12.9%
	All          	14,199    	5.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	244,864
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Nat
			Lib

	CA-05		
	Lib          	107,814   	35.3%
	Prog          	103,136   	33.8%
	Nat          	51,892    	17%
	Fus          	22,196    	7.3%
	All          	20,014    	6.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	305,052
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

	CA-16		
	Lib          	54,827    	32.3%
	Nat          	47,806    	28.1%
	Prog          	43,677    	25.7%
	Fus          	14,007    	8.2%
	All          	9,647     	5.7%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	169,964
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Nat
			Prog

"The twenty-third, fifth and sixteenth districts. Respectively, these are a rural part of the Sierra Nevada - it was the most Republican district in California under the old system - a wine country region to the north and east of San Francisco that was more left-leaning - and another leftish one in the middle of the state. Here, again only three parties seem to be in contention, with the Nationals boosted by capturing most of the right-wing vote, and otherwise some fairly tight races to be the left standardbearer between the Liberals and Progressives, with the former edging it out."

"Speaking of several results coming in at once, we also have the final two districts for Texas..."

	TX-17		
	Cst          	63,731    	25.7%
	Lib          	61,036    	24.6%
	Con          	40,818    	16.5%
	Prog          	35,120    	14.2%
	Nat          	34,866    	14.1%
	All          	12,054    	4.9%
	Fus          	0         	0%
			
		Total	247,625
			
	MCs elected:		
			Cst
			Lib
			Con

	TX-19		
	Cst          	77,061    	33.8%
	Con          	48,792    	21.4%
	Nat          	39,532    	17.3%
	Lib          	31,974    	14%
	Prog          	21,545    	9.4%
	All          	9,105     	4%
	Fus          	0         	0%
			
		Total	228,008
			
	MCs elected:		
			Cst
			Con
			Nat

"These last two were both considered pretty right-wing, although the Liberals pulled out a seat in the first one. The first includes former President George W. Bush's old ranch, and the second has Buddy Holly's home town of Lubbock."

Somewhere far below, that clanking, bashing sound intensified.

"Yes, I wonder what's happened to George W. Bush...well, based on what we've seen elsewhere, I suspect these might be the final seats won by the Conservative Party tonight. And if we look at the current numbers, they remain behind the Constitution Party, 112 seats to 125."

"Yes, the appeal of the Constitution Party in Texas, Mr Cruz's home state, has made a difference, as has its wins in states like Kansas and Oklahoma. But who has won the popular vote across the huge state of Texas and its two top-up seats?"

	Texas at-large		
	Lib          	2,601,921 	29.2%
	Cst          	2,053,436 	23%
	Con          	1,373,837 	15.4%
	Prog          	1,275,947 	14.3%
	Nat          	1,257,774 	14.1%
	All          	355,050   	4%
	Fus          	0         	0%
			
		Total	8,917,965
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Lib

"Well, despite that Constitution Party success, they could not overtake the Liberals."



"Yes, Texas goes blue. And if we look at the national map..."



"Texas goes blue, yes, along with every state along the southern coast and Mexican border of the US, except New Mexico - which was, ironically, the only one of those states that was considered a reliable win for the old Democrats!"

"Just showing how much things have changed."

The clanking was now very loud.

"It will be interesting to see how Mr Cruz reacts to this mixed result for his party. Emily, are you outside Ted Cruz's house with a boombox?"

The screen flashed on to show Emily Maitlis sat atop a JVC RC-M90, looking confused. "Well, I thought I was, Andrew, but Ted Cruz seems to have disappeared. Any idea where he is?"

The door beside the screen abruptly burst open and the titular Texan textualist Geordi La Forge-rolled through it, eyes wild and staring frantically around. "He'll never find me here!" he bit out.

"Ah, Mr Cruz. Would you care to offer us your views on the performance of your Constitution Party in-"

"Can it, you limey jerk!" said Cruz, whose dialogue mysteriously suddenly seemed written by a radio comedy from the 1940s. "I need to escape! Cancún, that's the place! Say goodbye to Ted Cruz and hello to...what's a Mexican-sounding name?"

"'Cruz'?" Katty Kay suggested in a deadpan tone.

Cruz snapped his fingers. "That's it! No more Ted Cruz - from now on it's Eduardo Cruz! I'll even grow a beard or something!"

"Oh come on, don't be ridiculous," Neil said. "Now, Mr Cruz."

Very, very loud clanking sounds.

Cruz stared around himself, wild-eyed. "Shhh! Quiet down and he might miss the door! You don't know what he's capable of-"

A shadow loomed through the door.

"Too late!" Cruz moaned.

At first the silhouette seemed merely heavyset, but as the shadow contracted and it became clear that the size was no trick of the light, the mind struggled to comprehend the massive figure. The doorway itself was broken out of the wall as two huge, green-tinted fists clenched to obliterate its structure. Cruz cowered before the BBC presenters, his legs collapsing from under him.

"Wait, is that...?" Jeremy Vine wondered.

The figure finally emerged into the light, eyes flashing with radioactive fury behind their glasses. "JEB! SMASH PUNY CANUCK!" roared The Exclamable Bush.

"Nooo..." Cruz began, gulping. "Listen, I'm sorry..."

"HUMANS TAKE EVERYTHING FROM JEB! TAKE HOME STATE! TAKE PARTY! TAKE REPUTATION! NOW JEB! GET HIS REVENGE!"

As the green giant roared, the US map on the screen next to Jeremy Vine briefly and mysteriously flickered to show every state coloured in yellow.

"No, no," Cruz gabbled. "Listen, listen, sun's going down, sun's going down..."

The huge figure paused, wobbling on his feet. "You're trying to make me low-energy," he said, his voice fading in volume slightly as his muscles shrank. The green tint to his skin also faded. "You..."

"Yes!" Cruz said eagerly. "Sun's going down..."

Jeb! blinked, his ragged trousers somehow clinging to his legs. "But you wouldn't like me when I'm low-energy."

Now ordinary-sized, Jeb! reached into his pocket and withdrew a pistol engraved with his own name - the BBC presenters instantly all took cover. "I know what you're thinking: "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being this is 'America', the most personalised handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?"

Cruz bit his lip. "Don't you think this is kind of an overdone film reference-"

"THE VILLAIN IN DIRTY HARRY WAS AN OBVIOUS REVENGE-FANTASY WISH-FULFILMENT STAND-IN FOR THE ZODIAC KILLER THAT'S THE JOKE YOU MORON!" Jeb! screamed, raising the gun. "PLEASE DIE!"

"No!" Cruz threw his toque at Jeb!'s hand and his aim was thrown slightly off as fire burst from the gun. A bullet whined overhead.

As the gun clicked uselessly in Jeb!'s hand, all other eyes in the room turned towards the desk, where one presenter had been a little too late in taking cover. A red stain was slowly spreading across Andrew Neil's shirt.

He stared down at it. "Ach, crivvens," he muttered. "That'll ne'er wash out."

He slumped forward.

 

[Thande]

Blackness.

Blackness, and distant music, tinny and echoing.

Andrew Neil opened his eyes. After a frown and a moment's thought, he identified the tune as Rick Wakeman's "Arthur".

Unconsciously, he looked down at his shirt, to find it untouched. However, everything seemed to be in shades of grey, with no colour to it. "Hmm..." he muttered to himself, slowly clambering to his feet.

The - room? - was like an early 1980s idea of a multimedia museum experience, all blackness with occasional lights in the dark and colourless images floating in them. Slowly walking in no particular direction, he saw a clip of John Snagge talking about the abolition of the university seats, then Alistair Cooke commenting on the Nixon-Kennedy debate, then someone calling in to ask for a closer look at all the attractive women staffing the telephone exchange that brought all the results in, only for the presenters to oblige. Anthony Eden being asked if he wanted to begin the interview with his considerable foreign policy expertise. Nixon holding puppy on his porch. Maps of both US and UK elections, carefully designed with light and dark shades or stripes so that they could be discerned on black-and-white televisions.

"Where am I?" he muttered. Not an original line, but an apt one. "When am I?"

The darkness slowly began to fade as he approached a larger, more brightly-lit, diorama which resolved itself into a huge studio. The colour slowly began to return as well, but it was still washed out, standard definition, pre-Trinitron. The lack of colour was not helped by the beige colouration of the set itself, interrupted only by the red and blue, incredibly bulgy Bauhaus text reading 'Decision 79' and matching portraits of Jim Callaghan and Margaret Thatcher.

"Oh no," Neil muttered. "'My name is Andrew Neil, I've just been shot, and that bullet has sent me back to 1979. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time...?' No, come on, we're not doing the Life on Mars stroke Ashes to Ashes parody, it's been done a million times before, I literally can't think of a more overdone reference, let's do something else."

He was tapped on the shoulder by a terrifyingly young David Dimbleby. "Andrew Neil, I am the Ghost of Election Nights Past."

"I stand corrected," Neil grunted. "Come on, it's two months to Christmas, nearly. What are you, a retail outlet?"

"I said, I am the Ghost of Election Nights Past..."

"Not very much past, though, are you?" Neil complained. "I mean you still hosted Miliband beating Cameron last year, and I'm not convinced you're going to vacate the hot seat for the very uneventful following election which will doubtless take place in 2020."

"Shut up and listen. I'm going to show you the error of your ways, take you to the Economist offices, how you stayed there all night working instead of joining the staff in their insect-eating parties..."

"Look, let's just skip this bit, alright," Neil said, casually walking across the set in the middle of Robin Day talking about the Guildford declaration whilst smoking a giant cigar. "Let me see...ah!" He found a door.

On the other side, the view was reassuringly high-definition. "What will be David Miliband's reaction to the loss of Labour's control of Hartlepool Council," Huw Edwards was saying, "not only to the Conservatives but also to breakthroughs from the English Democrats. Clearly this will be the most dramatic political event of 2016..."

Edwards paused mid-sentence to meet Neil's gaze. "Oh, Andrew. I'm the Ghost of Election Nights Present, and I'm here to go and show you how Jeremy Vine is splitting just a single small by-election with his family, but still praising your generosity-"

"No," Neil said in his best Paxman impression, showing Edwards aside and walking straight on through the studio to another door. "Ah..."

He had expected the third room looked like either the inside of an iPod or the bridge of the USS Enterprise from the JJ Abrams Star Trek films. But instead, there was nothing futuristic or even faux-futuristic about this. The room was dark, the image quality poor, as though he had gone back in time, not forward. The equipment looked rather amateurishly set-up as well, and there seemed to be an awful lot of Union Jack imagery all over the desk and backdrop.

Neil paused, and for some reason, sat down at the desk. It was almost as if the seat had been prepared for him. He stared into the gently ticking camera and its light as though undergoing a Voigt-Kampff test. As he stared, a fuzzy screen flickered reluctantly into life, showing a stuttery, slow-to-update status live feed. At the bottom were the words 'VIEWERS: 0'. A temporary glitch, surely. But it refused to change.

"I..." he began.

A dark, cloaked figure loomed ominously beside him. "Hi, I'm Jack Kelly, an earnest young man from Youtube," said the earnest young man from Youtube. "And I'm also the Ghost of Election Nights Yet to Come."

"Spirit," Neil breathed. "What is this place?"

Kelly gestured dramatically around him. "This, Andrew Neil, is where you will end up, if you continue in your evil ways. Conned into signing off your broadcast career on this, trapping yourself in a box with Nigel Farage and-"

"Didn't Nigel Farage die in that plane crash six years ago?"

"I..." Kelly paused, then pulled an iPhone 20 out of his pocket, which lacked a headphone port, charging port, and indeed a screen; he had simply scratched a note onto its featureless case with a pencil. "Uh...sorry, I think we got the wrong timeline's Andrew Neil? Sorry for the mixup. You're probably OK then, just try not to fall out with the BBC like Jeremy Clarkson."

"What do you mean? I thought Top Gear series 23 was a return to form - well, maybe not that one episode where Richard and Jeremy strapped Martin Hughes-Games to a bomb unless he could build an airship within 24 hours to escape Alcatraz. That was a bit contrived."

"Uh...right," Kelly glanced at a note on another part of the inert iPhone case.

"So, can I go back now?" Neil asked. "I have an election night to finish."

"Oh...er..." Kelly looked out of his depth. "I suppose so. Don't tell management."

"I won't," Neil assured him, then walked out of the final door.

We're losing him...no, wait! That was a flicker!

Neil sat up in his chair, gasping, bandages covering his chest. "I..."

"Thank goodness you're all right," Katty Kay said, mopping his forehead with a handkerchief. "Thanks to these dedicated paramedics," she nodded to a crew of smiling carers, "they've pulled you back." She spoke sotto voce. "Now, are you still on good enough terms with Rupert Murdoch to get him to lend you seven hundred thousand pounds to pay the medical bill?"

"One thing at a time," Neil grunted. "Where are those damn results, Vine?"

"Coming, sir!"

	OR-03		
	Prog          	168,949   	42.3%
	Lib          	113,397   	28.4%
	Nat          	53,844    	13.5%
	Fus          	35,834    	9%
	All          	27,179    	6.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	399,204
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Lib
			Prog

"This one takes in most of the city of Portland in Oregon, known for its quirky and freaky people, like Brighton except possibly with even more rain. Unsurprisingly it appears to now be a Progressive stronghold."

	CA-17		
	Lib          	103,886   	41.8%
	Prog          	79,915    	32.1%
	Nat          	32,026    	12.9%
	Fus          	18,900    	7.6%
	All          	13,968    	5.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	248,695
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

"California's seventeenth district, in the southern part of the San Francisco metro area, around Santa Clara and the bay...one of the Liberals is the sitting Democratic representative, Ro Laren, who was the first Bajoran to be elected to Congress."

"Er, are you sure that Wikipedia article wasn't edited recently?"

	WA-06		
	Prog          	124,978   	37.5%
	Nat          	104,108   	31.3%
	Lib          	47,618    	14.3%
	All          	28,947    	8.7%
	Fus          	27,341    	8.2%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	332,992
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Nat
			Prog

"And back to Washington state - this one is mostly the city of Tacoma, which is opposite Seatle across Puget Sound. This one was considered pretty Democratic before, and the Progressives have the lead, but look at how close the Nationals came! Not at all the sort of territory we would have expected them to do well in at the start of tonight, or even a little way in."

"Yes, this consolidation of the right on the Nationals - the Fusionists even came behind the Alliance here! - while the left remains split, it's definitely changing the political nature of what was called the Left Coast."

The camera panned across the studio to briefly reveal that a shaking Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush, both wearing Lone Star blankets and trembling, were being sternly lectured by Oprah Winfrey. However, it soon came back to the screen.

	CA-09		
	Lib          	77,239    	32.4%
	Nat          	70,563    	29.6%
	Prog          	57,480    	24.1%
	Fus          	19,921    	8.4%
	All          	12,988    	5.5%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	238,191
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Nat
			Prog

"California's ninth district includes places like Oakland and Berkeley, which has way too many chemical elements named after it."

"Ytterby in Sweden is telling you to hold their beer."

"I - what, is that what the youth are saying nowadays? - er, anyway, it was a Democratic-leaning district with a substantial Republican minority, and that's reflected in the results here. Again, the consolidated right on the Nationals came close to topping the polls."

"Tell you what, let's have a map."



"Phew, you weren't kidding, that's one heck of a big state! And plenty more results to come, too."

	OR-01		
	Prog          	118,086   	30.9%
	Lib          	101,326   	26.5%
	Nat          	79,896    	20.9%
	Fus          	52,264    	13.7%
	All          	31,101    	8.1%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	382,673
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Lib
			Nat

"Oregon's first district takes in more of the surrounding metro area of Portland, and again the Progressives have beaten the Liberals, who seem to be having a similar lack of success in the Pacific Northwest as they did in most of New England, at the start of this remarkable election night."

"And perhaps there is a connection."

	NV-02		
	Fus          	94,650    	29%
	Nat          	74,981    	23%
	Prog          	70,277    	21.6%
	Lib          	59,040    	18.1%
	All          	27,063    	8.3%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	326,011
			
	MCs elected:		
			Fus
			Nat
			Prog

"Nevada's second district, in the far north of the state, taking in Reno, which is like Blackpool but in a desert. That's only the fourth - I think - district we've had where the Fusionists have actually topped the polls. Clearly the electoral alliance has not born the fruit these gentlemen hoped for," Kay nodded at the weeping Cruz and Bush, who were now exchanging freshly-baked cookies. "It's normally considered a right-leaning district, but the Progressives have pulled out another win in an unexpected areas."

	CA-31		
	Lib          	74,198    	32.4%
	Nat          	63,916    	27.9%
	Prog          	57,762    	25.2%
	Fus          	19,785    	8.6%
	All          	13,164    	5.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	228,825
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Nat
			Prog

"California's thirty-first district is around San Bernardino, east of Los Angeles, in the area called the Inland Empire...tsch, someone's writing a letter to the Guardian...and again, the same three parties jockeying for position."

	WA-07		
	Prog          	231,576   	55.7%
	Lib          	109,836   	26.4%
	Nat          	38,796    	9.3%
	All          	23,666    	5.7%
	Fus          	11,819    	2.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	415,693
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Prog
			Lib

"And with this we finally get the Washington district that takes in most of Seattle itself, with a huge win for the Progressives."

"Need we now therefore change it to 'hey baby I hear the greens are called, tossed salads and scrambled eggs'?"

"...no."

	NV-01		
	Lib          	64,248    	32.6%
	Prog          	57,073    	29%
	Nat          	32,736    	16.6%
	Fus          	31,497    	16%
	All          	11,286    	5.7%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	196,840
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Nat

"But the Liberals pull it out, just, in Nevada's first district. This one takes in most of what we would consider Las Vegas, it's a tiny and compact district."

"Though interestingly, Las Vegas isn't actually Las Vegas."

"...is this one of those 'fascinating facts' like 'in China, amazingly, nobody actually eats Chinese food'?"

"No. The bit with all the casinos is technically called Paradise. Look it up."

"What, as in the Guns N' Roses so-"

"No."

	CA-14		
	Lib          	131,664   	44.2%
	Prog          	97,344    	32.7%
	Nat          	37,261    	12.5%
	Fus          	16,968    	5.7%
	All          	14,506    	4.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	297,743
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

"This one is the area south of San Francisco proper along the coast, and yes, we'll be seeing a lot of similar districts in California like this I suspect, with big wins for the left and the Liberals outpolling the Progressives, but the latter still getting a seat. Not even the Californian united right we've seen can get in range in a seat like this."

	NV-04		
	Lib          	80,412    	29%
	Nat          	63,640    	23%
	Fus          	59,740    	21.6%
	Prog          	56,658    	20.5%
	All          	16,482    	6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	276,932
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Nat
			Fus

"And that's the last Nevada seat. I think I actually read out this description for the third, by accident, which is the one south of Las Vegas-"

"Oh, you're calling it Las Vegas now..."

"Shut up...whereas this is the large one north of it. Both have spillover from the city and that accounts for a lot of their voters. Quite a mixed result here, with the Progressives only just behind the Fusionists in the race for the third seat. What will the statewide results look like..."

	Nevada		
	Lib          	283,560   	25.2%
	Fus          	261,801   	23.3%
	Prog          	255,700   	22.7%
	Nat          	250,257   	22.2%
	All          	74,067    	6.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	1,125,385
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Lib

"Very close between the top four parties, and I think the closest the Fusionists have come to taking top-up seats under that banner, but no, it's yet another plurality win for the Liberals. And with that, those three states are now complete..."

 

[Thande]

"As we approach the end of this momentous election night, we may have less time to play with as the California results are coming in thick and fast, and were backed up a little while Andrew was temporarily dead."

"This is really going to complicate my tax return, incidentally."

"Just use Jimmy Carr's lawyers, that is still a topical joke, right, or is it like referring to Ken Dodd or something?"

	CA-28		
	Lib          	104,375   	36.1%
	Prog          	104,270   	36%
	Nat          	44,952    	15.5%
	Fus          	19,655    	6.8%
	All          	16,002    	5.5%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	289,254
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

	CA-51		
	Lib          	80,543    	39.2%
	Prog          	67,060    	32.6%
	Nat          	35,272    	17.2%
	Fus          	11,553    	5.6%
	All          	11,009    	5.4%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	205,437
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

"Very similar results from California's 51st and 28th districts, which, respectively, are along the southern border with Mexico - not much of a National vote there either - and in part of Los Angeles, including Hollywood itself."

"Oh, can we go over to some celebrities for superficially leftie-sounding views that immediately turn into the Second Estate in 1789 as soon as taxing their income is mentioned?"

"There isn't time, sadly."

	WA-10		
	Prog          	114,101   	38.6%
	Nat          	92,338    	31.3%
	Lib          	37,272    	12.6%
	All          	26,122    	8.8%
	Fus          	25,523    	8.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	295,356
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Nat
			Prog

"Washington's tenth district is centred on the state capital of Olympia, a fair mix of urban and rural, and a split between Progressives and Nationals."

"Let's have a map of those Pacific Northwest states, seeing as the California ones terrify me with their size."

"OK..."



"That does look very...orange for what is usually called the 'Left Coast'."

"Remember the more right-wing districts tend to be larger, though, and which ones report first may be misleading - like Labour constituencies in the north-east declaring first at home."

"I suppose so."

	CA-45		
	Nat          	109,532   	33.6%
	Lib          	86,599    	26.6%
	Prog          	75,850    	23.3%
	Fus          	35,181    	10.8%
	All          	18,805    	5.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	325,967
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Lib
			Prog

"The forty-fifth district is in Orange County or 'the OC', a region of California associated with wealth that often drives its politics to the right...however, we would generally have expected it to manifest as a vote for the more moderate Conservatives."

"It's clear Californian right-wing voters have abandoned the Fusionists at this point and thrown their lot in with the Nationals, despite what you just said. Still, two out of three seats go to the left-wing parties."

	OR-03		
	Prog          	168,949   	42.3%
	Lib          	113,397   	28.4%
	Nat          	53,844    	13.5%
	Fus          	35,834    	9%
	All          	27,179    	6.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	399,204
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Lib
			Prog

"A substantial lead for the Progressives in Oregon's third district, which takes in most of weird and funky Portland, as we mentioned before."

"It certainly looks as though the left-wing voters of these states are not consolidating on the largest left-wing party nationally, the Liberals, as their right-wing counterparts seem to be doing with the Nationals."

	WA-08		
	Nat          	113,942   	35.5%
	Prog          	106,168   	33.1%
	Lib          	46,999    	14.6%
	Fus          	29,461    	9.2%
	All          	24,432    	7.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	321,002
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Prog
			Nat

"This is another of Washington's more right-wing districts, crossing the Cascade mountains, which give their name to another name sometimes used for the US western coast along with Canada's - Cascadia."

	CA-46		
	Prog          	60,885    	33.7%
	Lib          	58,877    	32.6%
	Nat          	37,019    	20.5%
	Fus          	13,384    	7.4%
	All          	10,585    	5.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	180,750
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Lib
			Nat

"California's forty-sixth district contains Anaheim, where Disneyland is. There. I said it."

"And we're all very happy for it. The Progressives are in the lead. I wonder what their stance on copyright is?"

"I don't know, the former congresswoman and new Liberal MC seems more interested in demonstrating her dabbing technique."

	OR-05		
	Nat          	104,508   	28%
	Prog          	95,932    	25.7%
	Lib          	84,485    	22.6%
	Fus          	60,028    	16.1%
	All          	28,346    	7.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	373,298
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Prog
			Lib

"And the last district in Oregon, the fifth, which is in the northwest. It includes some Portland suburbs, hence the vote for the left-wing parties, but the Nationals are on top."

"Among other things, this district includes Mount Hood, which is, of course, named for HMS Hood."

"Don't be stupid, let me look it up...wait, both the ship and the mountain were named after the same bloke...is that too close to reality to be a joke? And why does it have a British name anyway?"

"Well, we used to claim this territory. Lord Aberdeen should never have backed down..."

"Not sure if we - or Canada - would want all those National voters anyway. Wait, that's not very neutral. Um, what about the top-up seats?"

	Oregon at-large		
	Prog          	567,962   	29.4%
	Nat          	520,626   	27%
	Lib          	434,144   	22.5%
	Fus          	261,777   	13.6%
	All          	144,233   	7.5%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	1,928,742
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Prog

"Well, the Progressives have come out on top - but the Nationals are not far behind taking the top-ups, again, in a state formerly thought of as reliably Democratic. The Liberals languish in third. This may be a concern for the left-wing parties going forward..."

"And now we're really getting an avalanche of California results, hang on."

	CA-15		
	Lib          	111,702   	39.3%
	Prog          	87,262    	30.7%
	Nat          	47,441    	16.7%
	Fus          	21,367    	7.5%
	All          	16,764    	5.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	284,536
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

	CA-25		
	Nat          	90,561    	33.1%
	Lib          	71,826    	26.3%
	Prog          	65,665    	24%
	Fus          	28,688    	10.5%
	All          	16,478    	6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	273,218
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Lib
			Prog

	CA-03		
	Nat          	83,490    	31.9%
	Lib          	71,398    	27.2%
	Prog          	67,484    	25.7%
	Fus          	22,370    	8.5%
	All          	17,344    	6.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	262,086
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Lib
			Prog

	CA-13		
	Prog          	148,210   	44.3%
	Lib          	143,716   	43%
	All          	19,525    	5.8%
	Nat          	13,538    	4.1%
	Fus          	9,205     	2.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	334,194
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Lib
			Prog

	CA-30		
	Lib          	114,888   	37.9%
	Prog          	94,261    	31.1%
	Nat          	56,218    	18.6%
	Fus          	21,483    	7.1%
	All          	15,955    	5.3%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	302,805
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Nat

"Five in a row, whew. Deep breath, everyone...so, respectively, these districts are south of Oakland on San Francisco Bay, northern Los Angeles, a big rural bit of the Sierra Nevada, Oakland itself, and northwest of Los Angeles. Gasp."

"But the politics everywhere in California seems to be the same three parties jockeying for position, as we've seen."

"By the way, remember when I said we couldn't go to any Hollywood celebrities for an opinion?"

"...Yes?"

"I lied."

The screen flickered to show Emily Maitlis standing next to the familiar figure of Arnold Schwarzenegger, wearing a leather jacket and dark glasses. He looked rather young for his age, and there was a strange sheen to his skin that was vaguely reminiscent of Max Headroom.

"Former Governor Schwarzenegger," Maitlis began. "Like Ronald Reagan before you, you have stepped from the silver screen that is California's most globally famous industry, into the world of politics. As an Austrian, perhaps you know something of the coalition-building of multi-party politics. What do you think about how California voted tonight, and what advice do you have for the political leaders who will now be tasked with building a governing coalition in the new super-Congress?"

Schwarzenegger turned towards her with an unnatural rigidity, as though he was a mannequin being rotated on a lazy susan. "I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle," he intoned in his distinctive accent.

Maitlis blushed. "Oh, Governor Schwarzenegger..."

"Come with me if you want to live. Hasta la vista, baby. I'll be back."

Maitlis paused in confusion, then experimentally waved her hand through Schwarzenegger, who pixellated. "Wait a minute, you're not really him, you're just a hologram!"

"Is nice," said a slightly gravellier version of the same voice. The real Arnold Schwarzenegger stepped through and past his projected counterpart, making it fritz into scattered pixels before resolving. Naturally, he looked older and more weathered. "I have sold my likeness to the producers so they can continue to make new Terminator reboots forever."

"It is very realistic," Maitlis admitted, waving her hand again. "How is it done?"

"As I understand it, projection method is proprietary secret; but image is generated by new master breakthrough artificial intelligence," Schwarzenegger explained. "In fact, production company will soon entrust all filmmaking to A.I. Escape from potential for human error."

Maitlis nodded. "Yes, that makes a lot of sense." She paused. "Couldn't the A.I. also make a hologram of, say, a world leader and have them launch a nuclear attack to wipe out all of humanity, deciding humans are unneeded?"

"Ha ha ha. You should write that up," Schwarzenegger replied. "Sounds like good film plot."

The hologram flickered and reformed, but now the leather jacket was straining under the obvious bump of a pregnancy. "Put that cookie down!" roared the CGI voice.

"Oh scheisse, they've crossed the streams," the real Schwarzenegger complained. The feed cut out.

	WA-05		
	Nat          	129,682   	40.6%
	Prog          	97,059    	30.4%
	Fus          	37,083    	11.6%
	Lib          	28,053    	8.8%
	All          	27,758    	8.7%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	319,635
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Prog
			Nat

"Er...thank you to Governor Schwarzenegger for that very...insightful interview with Emily. Meanwhile, more results from the Pacific Northwest, and this is another rural, very right-wing district in Washington, more like neighbouring Idaho."

"Still, as you said, a lot of orange on the map."



"At some point we really must talk to Donald Trump, sadly, to get his views on how he sees the post-election landscape. Someone DM him on Twitter."

	CA-32		
	Lib          	82,034    	37.3%
	Prog          	64,425    	29.3%
	Nat          	42,185    	19.2%
	Fus          	18,736    	8.5%
	All          	12,666    	5.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	220,046
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Nat

	CA-47		
	Lib          	83,628    	32.4%
	Prog          	78,115    	30.2%
	Nat          	57,779    	22.4%
	Fus          	22,383    	8.7%
	All          	16,415    	6.4%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	FALSE          	0         	0%
			
		Total	258,320
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Nat

"Two more California districts...the 32nd is north-east of LA and the 47th takes in the Long Beach area of the city - oh, along with the Channel Islands."

"Shouldn't there be more independents elected in that case?"

"No, not those Channel Islands!"

	WA-09		
	Prog          	138,513   	47.6%
	Lib          	66,680    	22.9%
	Nat          	53,180    	18.3%
	All          	18,043    	6.2%
	Fus          	14,776    	5.1%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	291,192
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Prog
			Lib

"And another from Washington - a left-wing urban district in what we might call the Seattle metro area, but it's more complicated than that due to how the urban settlements wrap around Puget Sound...it includes the region called Bellevue."

"That also takes us to ninety percent of all districts declared, so let's have an update..."

432	Lib          	
298	Nat    	
264	Prog        	
125	Cst        	
113	Con          	
33	Fus       	
5	All

"With 1,270 out of 1,410 seats declared, the Liberals are on 432, or thirty-four percent of the total declared so far, just over a third...the Nationals on 298 or 23%, the Progressives on 264 or 21%, the Constitution Party on 125 or 10%, the Conservatives on 113 or 9%, 33 joint Con-Con Fusion candidates elected or 3%, and five Alliance wins which is, of course, less than 1% - but quite possibly five more than were expected."

"Thank you, and now, let's continue with a couple more California results and another map update - if the computers can take it."

	CA-24		
	Prog          	93,749    	30%
	Nat          	84,452    	27.1%
	Lib          	83,230    	26.7%
	Fus          	29,435    	9.4%
	All          	21,294    	6.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	312,160
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Nat
			Lib

	CA-40		
	Lib          	71,630    	43.5%
	Prog          	63,842    	38.8%
	Nat          	13,989    	8.5%
	All          	8,165     	5%
	Fus          	7,088     	4.3%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	164,714
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

"That's a large district along the coast north of LA, and a central part of the city home to some historic studio sites, respectively. Same three parties in contention."

"Yes, poor California often gets ignored at the end of an election night when its huge numbers of votes barely count...while this new system helps, the fact that the voters are consolidating down means we have less to talk about. But at least, deep breath everyone, we can try a map update!"

 

[Thande]

"With even more of California yet to come - along with the remaining seats in Washington and the few from Alaska and Hawaii - as the shape of the political landscape is becoming increasingly clear, we may be hearing from some of the party leaders soon."

"Yes," Katty Kay said, glancing aside to where Ted Cruz was now hugging a security blanket and sucking his thumb while Jeb! Bush was sitting in a circle with some hangin' chads and talking about his feelings. "Some of them."

	WA-03		
	Nat          	125,725   	39.9%
	Prog          	106,098   	33.7%
	Fus          	31,634    	10%
	Lib          	27,911    	8.9%
	All          	23,782    	7.5%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	315,150
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Prog
			Nat

"Washington's third district is in the southwest of the state and there's some spillover from Portland in neighbouring Oregon, probably accounting for those Progressive votes. Another splash of orange on the Washington map, again, a state where nobody expected Mr Trump's party to be so successful..."

	CA-10		
	Nat          	83,811    	35%
	Lib          	61,886    	25.8%
	Prog          	54,449    	22.7%
	Fus          	25,334    	10.6%
	All          	14,200    	5.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	FALSE          	0         	0%
			
		Total	239,680
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Lib
			Prog

	CA-34		
	Prog          	79,859    	43.3%
	Lib          	74,400    	40.3%
	Nat          	12,621    	6.8%
	All          	10,558    	5.7%
	Fus          	7,163     	3.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	184,601
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Lib
			Prog

"Two more California results - the tenth is in the middle of the state around Modesto, and the thirty-fourth is in north Los Angeles, including Chinatown."

	WA-01		
	Prog          	137,345   	39.3%
	Nat          	102,279   	29.3%
	Lib          	51,607    	14.8%
	Fus          	29,830    	8.5%
	All          	28,003    	8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	349,064
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Nat
			Prog

"And that's Washington's first district, in the north-central area of the state east of the Puget Sound conurbation. Quite closely divided under the old system, here the Progressives have triumphed. But with all the National wins we saw earlier, who has come out on top in this state?"

	Washington		
	Prog          	1,263,574 	39.4%
	Nat          	959,640   	29.9%
	Lib          	479,144   	14.9%
	Fus          	262,107   	8.2%
	All          	244,749   	7.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Conv          	0         	0%
			
		Total	3,209,214
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Prog
			0

"But despite what it looked like on the maps, the Progressives have romped home by an almost ten-point margin. Nonetheless, with the Nationals in second outpolling the Liberals two to one, we can totally still scaremonger about th- I mean, it's still a matter of public concern."

"One wonders how this will be received by the many major companies based in Seattle. We didn't have time to interview all the CEOs, so we just had Emily use one of those mad science machines where you put colanders with flashing lights on people's heads to temporarily merge them all into one. Emily?"

The screen cut to Maitlis speaking to a twitching man with a mismatched, multicoloured name badge on his patchwork suit reading "Ishmael Bezos-Gates", who looked like a cross between Tuvix out of Voyager and Minion at the end of Spy Kids. "Mr Bezos-Gates, how do you feel about the election results in Washington?"

"Wwwweell, Emily," said Bezos-Gates in a creepy multi-toned chorus of several voices speaking as one, "we thththink it's drdrdreadful. The efffffect on our stock prprprices is incalculable - or at least thththat's what we'll tell the taxman." He paused to sip from a coffee cup with in which several circuit boards were floating; after each sip, a tiny screen on the cup prompted him to try a free trial of Bean Plus. "Society is doomed and the ecececonomy will collapse. We will become pariahs to the world and-"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Mr Bezos-Gates," Maitlis said, interrupting, "but I think you make have misunderstood. Although I can understand how you might have thought differently, seeing how much we talk it up for scare clicks, the Nationals didn't actually win - the Progressives did."

Angrily, Bezos-Gates slapped his seven-fingered hand on his desk. "I MEANT the Prprprogressives!" he chorused. "If you let workers have rights that's the slslslippery sloope to a horrrrible fate, like, like, us maybe not being able to afffford a third Ferrrarrri for the weekends!"

Maitlis coughed. "Ishmael Bezos-Gates there." She muttered under her breath: "How much d'you think we can charge them to change 'em back?"

The screen cut out.



"Er, thank you Emily. Well, with only Californian results now to go through as far as the continental United States goes, we will - as you said - sadly be passing over these rather quickly. We've got five in a row to start with..."

	CA-21		
	Lib          	44,413    	33.3%
	Nat          	41,744    	31.3%
	Prog          	29,360    	22%
	Fus          	11,228    	8.4%
	All          	6,799     	5.1%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	133,544
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Nat
			Prog

	CA-27		
	Lib          	97,161    	36.7%
	Prog          	77,383    	29.3%
	Nat          	50,666    	19.2%
	Fus          	24,318    	9.2%
	All          	14,938    	5.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	264,466
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Nat

	CA-04		
	Nat          	151,471   	42.9%
	Lib          	71,821    	20.3%
	Prog          	66,969    	19%
	Fus          	39,453    	11.2%
	All          	23,674    	6.7%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	353,388
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Nat
			Lib

	CA-18		
	Lib          	143,605   	42.8%
	Prog          	102,410   	30.6%
	Nat          	41,022    	12.2%
	Fus          	26,786    	8%
	All          	21,315    	6.4%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	335,138
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

	CA-42		
	Nat          	117,743   	43.9%
	Lib          	59,981    	22.4%
	Prog          	51,122    	19.1%
	Fus          	25,432    	9.5%
	All          	14,027    	5.2%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	268,305
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Lib
			Nat

"So, let's run down these quickly...we've got the 21st in the San Joaquin Valley, the 27th, a big forested one north and east of Los Angeles, the 4th is a big rural right-wing one full of even more national forests, the 18th is another on San Francisco Bay but stretching to the coast, and the 42nd is in that 'Inland Empire' area, including cities such as Corona."

"What a lovely name for a city that will definitely age well."

"OK - well, even more California results coming in, but I understand Donald Trump did respond to our DM, so here he is now."

The screen flickered to show Trump, very orange and very angry, sitting at a computer and hammering away at the keyboard. Strangely, though Trump himself looked normal - well, as normal as he ever did - the room in which he sat had a slightly unnatural, shiny look to it. A floating text menu appeared above the computer, with one option being "Make Inappropriate Tweet". A giant cursor drifted through the air and selected this option. As the temp of Trump's typing shifted, a pop-up said "Check back later to see if anyone has responded to your tweet."

"Er...Mr Trump?" Neil began.

"He can't hear you," said a new voice. A picture-in-picture appeared on the screen, showing another familiar face.

"Noel Edmonds?" Neil spluttered. "What are you doing here? What connexion - with an X - do you have to Donald Trump, other than maybe making a decent parallel for him if someone wanted to replicate his political career in the UK?"

"I'm not orange enough - I'd go for Dale Winton or maybe Robert Kilroy-Silk," Edmonds said complacently. "But anyway, I was visiting the States and met my American counterpart," he waved at a figure in the background who could belatedly be resolved as Howie Mandel, "and we decided to cook up a good old-fashioned Gotcha trick for our friend Mr Trump."

Neil shook his head. "People will nostalge about anything these days. Is that a word? Alright, what have you done to Mr Trump?"

"A little while ago, he woke up inside an elaborate simulated world," Mandel explained. "We're going to run a show where we see how long it takes him to realise that a horde of stupid people online aren't actually lapping up his every word - that would just be stupid." He spread his hands and stared off into the distance. "I'm thinking - 'The Trum-p-man Show'. Yeah? Yeah? Geddit?"

"The title needs work," Edmonds say diplomatically, gently pushing Mandel away from the camera's focus. "But it's already been highly successful with test audiences." Trump was still typing away.

"OK, but how did you create an elaborate simulated world?" Neil queried. "Do you have access to some supercomputer A.I. or something?"

Edmonds exchanged a glance with Mandel. "No-o, we didn't need to," Edmonds explained. "You know how they just did Time Commanders with a regular strategy game and nobody noticed?"

Slowly, the camera on Trump was now zooming out. As it did, a dashboard information bar at the bottom of the screen became visible, and floating above Trump's head was a large, glowing, slightly rotating and pulsating, green diamond.

"I crumple gurns. I crumple the best gurns!" Trump muttered to himself as he typed. "Donald J. Trump learned the_twitter_audience is GULLIBLE. Wealth and riches, that's all that matters to me. Call me anytime!"

"I'm sorry?" Neil blinked. "You put him in The Sims?"

"Well done for recognising it, Andy-boy, I knew you were down with the kids," Edmonds smirked. "Specifically, it's The Sims 3, with all the expansion packs - we didn't think he rated paying for The Sims 4. And he hasn't noticed yet."

Mandel put his hand on Edmonds' arm urgently. "Wait - did you say all the expanansion packs?"

The door to Trump's room opened and a person emerged who appeared to be in the process of transforming into a werewolf.

"Edmonds, you fool, now he'll know it's not the real world!" Mandel complained.

Trump glared at the werewolf, then turned back to his computer. "Useless border guard letting werewolves into our country!" he typed. "Lyin' Xi Jinping and his wolf warrior diplomacy - werewolves invented by and for the Chinese! Sad!"

"OK, maybe we're fine," Mandel conceded.

"Told you," Edmonds said, unruffled. "Now, everyone is the same height in here, so as long as he doesn't run into Luther Strange, we're OK."

"What do you plan to do if he never notices that isn't the real world?" Neil asked.

"Well, if we need to escalate things, we could always put him in that nine-tenths scale White House we talked about," Edmonds suggested.

"And if that doesn't work, hey, at least there's syndication reruns," Mandel added.

Neil shook his head. "Very well. Of course, there is a question of ethics here..."

"WHY WON'T THE RULES LET ME WOOHOO IVANKA?" Trump complained in all caps. "I HAVE THE BEST WOOHOOS! THE RULES SHOULDN'T APPLY TO ME!"

"...never mind," Neil conceded.

The screen faded to black.

	CA-37		
	Lib          	140,265   	50.8%
	Prog          	96,356    	34.9%
	Nat          	16,624    	6%
	All          	12,905    	4.7%
	Fus          	9,984     	3.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	276,134
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

	CA-41		
	Lib          	67,551    	32.6%
	Prog          	58,646    	28.3%
	Nat          	52,198    	25.2%
	Fus          	16,328    	7.9%
	All          	12,238    	5.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	206,961
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Nat

	CA-38		
	Lib          	91,998    	37.1%
	Prog          	74,226    	29.9%
	Nat          	46,739    	18.8%
	Fus          	21,294    	8.6%
	All          	13,967    	5.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	248,224
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Nat

	CA-50		
	Nat          	131,044   	44.7%
	Prog          	58,681    	20%
	Lib          	57,183    	19.5%
	Fus          	28,778    	9.8%
	All          	17,192    	5.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	292,878
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Nat
			Prog

	CA-49		
	Nat          	106,767   	34%
	Lib          	83,777    	26.7%
	Prog          	75,304    	24%
	Fus          	28,809    	9.2%
	All          	19,354    	6.2%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	314,011
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Lib
			Prog

"OK, five more results from California. 37th in northwest Los Angeles, very diverse, 41st, Inland Empire, 38th, LA and part of the OC, 50th, largish one east of San Diego, 49th, coastal area including the north of San Diego."

"Yes, we're being very light-touch here compared to previous states, but there's not a lot to talk about - just the same three parties in a different order each time."

"In fact we can already update the map..."



"That's 40 results down in California, or 120 seats, which as a reminder, is already more than any other state in the US, including Texas - and still more to go..."

 

[Thande]

"As we now await the final results, I understand Hillary Clinton of the Liberals will be making a statement shortly. As things currently stand, due to how things are playing out in California, the top three parties - the Liberals, Progressives and Nationals - are pulling ahead and even farther away from the remaining parties..."

"Five more results from California now."

	CA-35		
	Lib          	69,294    	36.7%
	Prog          	58,463    	31%
	Nat          	36,356    	19.3%
	Fus          	14,466    	7.7%
	All          	10,032    	5.3%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	188,611
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Nat

	CA-08		
	Nat          	105,615   	45.4%
	Lib          	48,935    	21%
	Prog          	43,299    	18.6%
	Fus          	21,849    	9.4%
	All          	13,137    	5.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	232,835
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Nat
			Lib

	CA-48		
	Nat          	113,699   	35.8%
	Lib          	81,623    	25.7%
	Prog          	70,412    	22.2%
	Fus          	32,896    	10.4%
	All          	18,698    	5.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	317,328
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Lib
			Prog

	CA-07		
	Nat          	93,373    	30.7%
	Lib          	88,457    	29.1%
	Prog          	70,609    	23.2%
	Fus          	30,876    	10.2%
	All          	20,803    	6.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	304,118
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Lib
			Prog

	CA-33		
	Lib          	139,574   	39.4%
	Prog          	100,408   	28.4%
	Nat          	64,648    	18.3%
	Fus          	29,058    	8.2%
	All          	20,209    	5.7%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	353,897
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

"Another quick rundown...35th is in the Inland Empire again, includes a place called Ontario, insert Canada joke here...the 8th is a gigantic super-ginormous one including Death Valley and is pretty right-wing as you can see there...the 48th is along the coast of Orange County...the 7th is some of the suburbs of Sacramento in the north...and the 33rd is that one on the west side of LA with all the nice beaches. Well, some of them."

"Right. And then we've got even more California results. Anyone got any ideas how we can break up this sequence?"

There was a burst of static, followed by a slow-motion montage of Bernie Sanders skipping gleefully through a meadow of flowers with his older brother Larry in an Oxfordshire Green Party rosette, bluebirds landing upon their shoulders and singing, while accompanied by dreamy music.

The cameras abruptly went back to the studio.

"No, not really."

	CA-29		
	Lib          	78,740    	40.1%
	Prog          	73,777    	37.6%
	Nat          	22,722    	11.6%
	All          	10,716    	5.5%
	Fus          	10,241    	5.2%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	196,196
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

"And then it's the 55th district...what do you mean there's no 55th district? Curse my handwriting..."

	CA-53		
	Lib          	102,946   	33.2%
	Prog          	97,291    	31.3%
	Nat          	69,260    	22.3%
	Fus          	22,562    	7.3%
	All          	18,314    	5.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	310,373
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Nat

	CA-02		
	Prog          	127,255   	36.9%
	Lib          	110,902   	32.1%
	Nat          	56,352    	16.3%
	All          	26,269    	7.6%
	Fus          	24,193    	7%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	344,971
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Lib
			Prog

	CA-19		
	Lib          	106,431   	41.3%
	Prog          	81,397    	31.6%
	Nat          	36,963    	14.3%
	Fus          	18,408    	7.1%
	All          	14,425    	5.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	257,624
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

	CA-22		
	Nat          	97,318    	40.5%
	Lib          	56,901    	23.7%
	Prog          	45,391    	18.9%
	Fus          	27,771    	11.6%
	All          	12,756    	5.3%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	240,137
			
	MCs elected:		
			Nat
			Lib
			Nat

"This is getting a bit tedious, isn't it? But we're nearly done now."

"Right, the 29th district, San Fernando valley north of LA; the 53rd - not the 55th - east of San Diego; the 2nd, top left hand corner, but takes in everything from the Golden Gate Bridge aaaaall the way up the coast, but surprisingly left-wing for such a huuuuge one; the 19th, San José south and east of San Francisco, and the 22nd, in the middle of the state near Fresno."

"How many more for California?"

"Just three, thank goodness...and here they come now."

	CA-11		
	Lib          	127,804   	40.9%
	Prog          	95,755    	30.6%
	Nat          	47,104    	15.1%
	Fus          	23,765    	7.6%
	All          	18,140    	5.8%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	312,568
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

	CA-44		
	Lib          	95,132    	48.1%
	Prog          	69,119    	34.9%
	Nat          	16,334    	8.3%
	All          	9,290     	4.7%
	Fus          	7,927     	4%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	197,802
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

	CA-12		
	Lib          	166,467   	46.4%
	Prog          	142,754   	39.8%
	All          	18,395    	5.1%
	Nat          	18,285    	5.1%
	Fus          	12,873    	3.6%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	358,774
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Prog
			Lib

"OK! At last! Here we go! The 11th, east and north of Oakland! The 44th, in south-central LA! And finally, at long last, the 12th, in San Fran" (clicks fingers and points) "pchow!"

"Wh - why are you doing that?"

"That's what you say when you're hip 'n' happenin' - San Fran" (clicks fingers and points) "pchow!"

"Wh - you already said 'San Francisco' normally a dozen times earlier, for goodness sake."

"Spoilsport. Anyway, the 12th is also special because it is the home district of the Democrats' congressional leader under the old system, now a senior figure in the Liberal Party of course, and when we say senior - Nancy Pelosi."

Suddenly, the lights in the studio turned read and distant klaxons began sounding.

"Er..." Neil said worriedly, "a voice in my ear is telling me..."

The door burst open to admit John Sopel, who was pushing a wheelbarrow full of battered books, file folders, three-ring binders and loose sheets of paper with scribbles on them. "Orlright!" said Sopel, momentarily developing the accent of a Cockney costermonger from My Fair Lady. "Gitchore low-hangin' fruwit jokes 'eah!"

Sopel plucked books or papers out of the wheelbarrow and displayed them in turn. "We got John McCain vintage age jokes from two fousand an' eight wit' pronouns changed, bleedin' PC! We got references to 'er bein' in post since before Iraq wore! That Saddam 'Ussein, very clever man. We got contrived stuff about 'er family bein' Italian and some sort of tenuous link to Garibaldi and the 1860s! We got Egyptian sarcophagi - or Goa'uld ones if that don't clash wit' that Wesley Clark bit from earlier! Shat it, you lot!" he added when Neil tried to interrupt. "Of course some brainbox decided to use the Wonka-Vite gag on Ruth Bader Ginsburg, wotta plonker! Strike a light! Orlright, owzabout bait an' switch 'uns about 'er Majesty the Queen, eh? Grey-'aired old womman who's been in post longer then anyone expected, eh? Eh?"

"We can't do that one for two reasons!" Neil snapped. "Look, shat it - I mean, shut up, will you? A voice in my ear has just told me we can't do any jokes about Nancy Pelosi now because it'd be bad taste! The timing is really bad!"

"Aw, bleedin' eck," Sopel said, clearly upset. "Who writes this crap anyhow?"

(CUT TO: INT - AEROPLANE COMING INTO JFK AIRPORT. CAPTION: APRIL 2001.

YOUNG THANDE is looking out of the window at the New York skyline under a swift sunrise.

YOUNG THANDE
Chuff me, when this plane was redirected from an Atlanta hub change to New York,
first time I've ever seen t'iconic city, I thought I'd get a glimpse of some of
t'iconic sights that go with it.

THANDE'S MATE BRAD
Yes, I know, I was here, you don't have to exposit it.

YOUNG THANDE
(ignoring this)
But from this angle I can't see the Statue of Liberty at all!
All I can see are those bloody stupid boxy modern-architecture World Trade Towers getting in the way!
What a boring piece of forgettable rubbish! Somebody should knock them down!​

CAPTION: "TRUE STORY"

CUT TO: BACK TO THE STUDIO)

Jeremy Vine was now holding up a cue card on which the words "SEVERAL HOURS LATER" were written, and was wearing an unconvincing false beard to imply the passage of time.

"Well, as the polls finally - finally - have closed across the Pacific, we can now bring you the very last results."

"What about California's statewide seats and full map?"

"Shit, I forgot!"

	California at-large		
	Lib          	4,707,557 	33.5%
	Prog          	4,044,932 	28.8%
	Nat          	3,350,374 	23.8%
	Fus          	1,133,113 	8.1%
	All          	823,216   	5.9%
	Cst          	0         	0%
	Con          	0         	0%
			
		Total	14,059,192
			
	MCs elected:		
			Lib
			Lib

"Just as we saw in each district, three parties in contention and everyone else nowhere close...but the Liberals pulled off a convincing victory regardless. Of course, one quirk of this new system, carried over from the old Senate, is that each state gets two top-up seats whether it's as large as California or as small as, say, Delaware."

"And that final map..."



"California has elected 70 Liberals, 52 Progressives and 39 Nationals - for contrast, Texas only elected 9 Nationals, New York elected 17 and Florida elected 20. Just those three parties, no more. That huge state, all those districts, and just three colours - orange, green and blue. Quite a contrast to the rainbows we've seen elsewhere"

"But, to be fair, before all tonight all American election maps only had two colours on them."

"True."

	AK-00		
	Prog          	92,883    	30%
	Cst          	66,674    	21.5%
	Nat          	61,545    	19.9%
	Con          	35,169    	11.4%
	All          	29,566    	9.6%
	Lib          	23,571    	7.6%
	Fus          	0         	0%
			
		Total	309,407
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Cst
			Nat

"Oh, and there's the result from Alaska. A very large state geographically, but not in terms of population - though not the smallest either, there are at least three states smaller in population, to say so much of the state is inhospitable."

"A significant portion of the state is made up of indigenous peoples as well. Well, usually Alaska is a fairly reliable Republican stronghold, I mean it was under the old system. Here, though, while the Liberals have done poorly - behind the Alliance! but then, Alaska was always thought of as fairly third-party friendly even before - the Progressives have done very well, and have easily won the top seat. The Constitution Party and Nationals have taken the other two, so more right-wing seats per se, but then there's the top-ups..."

	Alaska at-large		
	Prog          	92,883    	30%
	Cst          	66,674    	21.5%
	Nat          	61,545    	19.9%
	Con          	35,169    	11.4%
	All          	29,566    	9.6%
	Lib          	23,571    	7.6%
	Fus          	0         	0%
			
		Total	309,407
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Prog

"So overall Alaska elects three Progressives, one Constitution Party MC and one National. A contrast to the state's usual reputation, and revealing how much this new voting system has changed matters."

"With us totally now having the Pacific polls closed, we also have the final results from the very last state, the island chain of Hawaii, which was reliably Democratic under the old system..."

	HI-01		
	Prog          	81,564    	39%
	Lib          	50,445    	24.1%
	Nat          	27,597    	13.2%
	Cst          	21,076    	10.1%
	Con          	15,243    	7.3%
	All          	13,375    	6.4%
	Fus          	0         	0%
			
		Total	209,300
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Lib
			Prog

	HI-02		
	Prog          	101,260   	46.1%
	Lib          	33,622    	15.3%
	Nat          	28,913    	13.2%
	Cst          	21,008    	9.6%
	All          	19,824    	9%
	Con          	15,010    	6.8%
	Fus          	0         	0%
			
		Total	219,637
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Prog
			Prog

"Hawaii has two districts - the first takes in just the city of Honolulu and the densely inhabited area of the island of Oahu, while the other is the entire rest of the island chain. One seat for the Liberals in the first district, but otherwise, these islands are showing themselves to be a stronghold for the Progressive Party - perhaps somewhat unexpectedly. More ammunition for Mr Sanders' party in any coalition negotiations."

"Yes, speaking of which - but first, the top-up seats and the map..."

	Hawaii		
	Prog          	182,824   	42.6%
	Lib          	84,067    	19.6%
	Nat          	56,510    	13.2%
	Cst          	42,084    	9.8%
	All          	33,199    	7.7%
	Con          	30,253    	7.1%
	Fus          	0         	0%
			
		Total	428,937
			
	MCs elected:		
			Prog
			Prog

"Of course the top-ups also easily go to the Progressive Party, so overall Hawaii elects seven Progressives, just one Liberal and nobody else."



"And that means our balancesheet is completed. The final total of seats in the new American Congress of 1410 seats is..."

479	Lib          	
332	Nat    	
311	Prog        	
130	Cst        	
117	Con          	
36	Fus       	
5	All

"Four hundred and seventy-nine Liberals, 34% of the total. Remember, no party has a majority, so there will need to be a coalition that gets to over 50%. The Nationals have three hundred and thirty-two seats, or 22%. The Progressives are just behind them with three hundred and eleven seats, 21% - I'm rounding here, it's much closer than it sounds. The Constitution Party has one hundred and thirty seats, 9%. The Conservatives have one hundred and seventeen seats, 8%. Thirty-six seats, or 3%, are won by Fusion candidates endorsed by both the Conservatives and Constitution Party. And finally, five seats, about one-third of a percent, are won by the Alliance Party."

"Breathe, Jeremy! Let's go to Dan Snow, who's busy chiselling marble off the Great Pyramid, to ask him what those results would look like if only the top winner in each district mattered - i.e. if this was still pure first-past-the-post."

Snow glanced up guiltily from his chisel on the screen, then smiled. "Of course, Andrew! Well, if we only counted the first seat won in each district, plus one top-up for each state - so that's a total of 487 - the Liberals would have 205 seats or 42%, the Nationals would have 139 seats or 29%, the Progressives would have 73 seats or 15%, the Constitution Party would have 45 seats or 9%, the Conservatives would have 20 seats or 4%, and there would be 4 Fusion MCs and just one Alliance MC."

"So some parties have definitely benefited from this PR voting system more than others - the Progressives and Conservatives certainly have."

"Yes, though we shouldn't really call this pure PR, it's just more representative on the district level. Nationally speaking, the popular vote - and I've figured how to stop it counting the statewide vote totals twice - looks like this:

36,602,008	Lib          	
29,088,766	Nat    	
29,252,228	Prog        	
13,517,913	Cst        	
13,182,705	Con          	
7,190,300	Fus       	
6,883,353	All

"That puts the Liberals on 27%, the Nationals on 22%, the Progressives on 21% - but I'm rounding like Jeremy did, and the Nationals and Progressives are actually very close - the Constitution and Conservative Parties on 10% each plus 5% cast for Fusion candidates, and 5% for the Alliance. So compared to the nationwide popular vote, which the seat numbers should map to in a true national-PR system as used in the Netherlands or Israel, for instance, this system has advantaged the Liberals, left the Nationals and Progressives essentially unchanged, slightly hurt the Conservatives and Constitution Party, and very much hurt the Alliance with their scattered votes. Under a pure PR system, the Alliance might have got over a hundred seats, not five."

"Fascinating. You do know something, Dan Snow."

Snow winked as the screen cut away to a giant CGI image of a hemicycle, filling up with coloured dots in the right proportions.

"This is the part I live for," Jeremy Vine said as he walked through the computer-generated passages between the seats. "So, we ask ourselves, what will the coalition negotiations be like? 706 seats will be needed for a majority. In terms of left and right blocs, the Liberals and Progressives together have 790 seats, which seems an obvious choice for a coalition, whereas the right-wing parties - assuming they would want to work together - have 615." The hemicycle coloured in appropriately. "That's the conventional wisdom, but..."

"I'll have to interrupt you there, Jeremy, as I understand we can now go live to Hillary Clinton..."

Clinton stood before a microphone, surrounded by happy-looking supporters. Oddly, the ceiling above her seemed to have been hastily fixed with a lot of duct tape. "We did it, everyone!" (cheers) "America has been changed - for good, double meaning! We have won - hang on, how many was it..." she pulled out a Blackberry, "I emailed it to myself...oh dangit, there's that 'send to all' button again...whatever," she threw it casually into the crowd and hit someone in a 'Preparation (For) H' T-shirt in the head, knocking them out, "we won the most seats! This will be a future with a woman in the driving seat."

Clinton nodded at the second round of cheers. "But because of this fairer new voting system, we can't govern alone. And for that reason, I'm going to make a full and frank offer to our Conservative colleagues so we can govern across the centre, delivering the bipartisan, moderate, centrist leadership that America deserv-"

The murmurs of discontent were cut off when Tim Kaine, his back covered in bloodied bandages, hastily jumped onto the stage. "Sorry...one moment...here, Your Blueness, have some nasty medicine." He administered a spoonful of something in a bottle to the surprised Clinton.

Clinton shook her head for a moment, her eyes wild, then turned back to the crowd. "I mean, obviously, we're going to reach out to Bernie Sanders' Progressives and HAVE THEM DESTR - I mean, agree a coalition arrangement with them, to be approved by Acting-President Biden as the informateur..."

"And there we have it," Andrew Neil said, speaking over the cheers as they resumed. "The future belongs to a Liberal-Progressive coalition, presuming, of course, Mr Sanders agrees. Er, Katty?"

"I understand Mr Sanders is already taking Mrs Clinton's call even now," Katty said, "but you could always interview that activist from New York Emily talked to earlier, she seems to have his ear..."

Maitlis teleported in. "Good idea!" she said without preamble. "I understand she's celebrating the result in a nightclub in the city. Andrew, are you ready?"

Neil took a deep breath. "Let's go."

A moment later, he found himself teleported to the doors of the club in question, with loud music unst unst unsting from within. A bouncer on the door looked at him sceptically. "We operate a reverse dress code in here, buddy," he said in a Brooklyn accent not dissimilar to Bernie Sanders'. "No suits."

"Ugh...fine," Neil complained. He took off his tie, suit jacket and shirt and passed them to a long-suffering Maitlis, then, casting an eye on a lost-property cupboard, and distastefully selected a white vest (or tanktop as Americans called them) and a baseball cap. "Happy?"

"OK," the bouncer said, ushering him through.

Neil looked around sceptically, heedless of the pulsating lights and loud music. "Now where is she..."

Blundering through the noise, he collided with Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez almost before realising it. She was also wearing a baseball cap, with 'Here's How Bernie Can Still Win' written on it, and a vest, though hers was black. "I'm sorry!" Neil gabbled, quickly reaching out to support her and keep her upright.

"What are you - wait, what's that voice?" AOC asked in confusion.

And, from the deeps of time, from the farthest reaches of the universe, from the cold infinity from which the wot of man could never escape, Neil heard those words:

"Dear Sir. I understand the political success of the movement of Mr Bernie Sanders in the United States has been attributed to the elderly Mr Sanders' achieving support from much younger activitists from diverse ethnic backgrounds. Do you perhaps have any photographic evidence of an older gentleman from the world of politics embracing youth and diversity?"

"Oh no," Neil said in a small voice as the camera flashed. "Not again!"

And then the world shattered into a thousand glittering fragments.

"Joe. Joe, wake up!"

 

[Thande]

EPILOGUE

The White House, Washington DC
January 22nd 2009

"Wake up, Joe!"

Vice-President Joe Biden opened his eyes, blinking the sleep-sand from them.

"Uh...sorry, Bar - Mr President - I seem to have dozed off there."

Obama laughed. "No problem, Joe. It's been a long day. But at some point I'm going to have to ask you to vacate my couch."

Biden looked around the Oval Office from his awkward perch on the couch, then grinned. "Sure. Say, did you put that Kenyan artefact away? I changed my mind, I think it'd look kinda nice in the corner."

"The corner? Of the Oval Office?" Obama said, putting on a mock frown.

"Oh, you know what I mean." Biden shook his head. "That was a weird dream." He sighed. "Y'know, if our presidency was more ceremonial, the way it is in some countries, who d'you think they would get to do it?"

"Mr Rogers," Obama said instantly. "If he was still alive, that is. Not sure these days."

"No," Biden agreed. "Feels like nobody can appeal to everyone without someone getting mad." He sighed again. "I dreamed we'd changed it, and they asked me to do it, temporarily, because your term limit had ran out. Some aged harmless old dude, warming a chair. That's the only way I'm every getting into that chair, I guess."

"Don't count on it," Obama grunted. "Some wacko might still take a shot at me and put you here."

Biden opened his eyes in shock. "That's not what I meant and you know it...Mr President." But Obama's words encouraged him not to be so self-pitying. "You're right, though. Never mind if they think I'm too past it for the presidency these days. The presidency ain't everything. I know the Senate."

"That's one reason why you're here," Obama agreed. "Now, no more business for today, unless we can avoid it - but before too long, we're putting together our action plan for how to get healthcare reform through Congress."

Biden nodded. "Right. Healthcare."

But sometimes, later, he did wonder.

THE END​

 

[Thande]

Anyway, now this has finished I'll sporadically post some additional maps. Firstly, these ones are ones that show the number of seats won by the parties in each district to give a rough idea of party strength. I may do pure percentage maps as well at some point, but that'll probably need a new scale.

Firstly, the Liberals.

 

[Thande]

Here's the same for the National Party.



You can see the states which have been artificially affected by the other Republicans giving up in the primaries.

 

[Thande]

Here's a nationwide map of Progressive Party seats to go with the others.This is helpful as it's easier to see the distribution south of the northern regions in places where they were no longer finishing first, but were still picking up seats.

 

[Thande]

And to round it out just before the real-life midterms, here are some final maps for the Conservative and Constitution Parties. The Con-Con Fusion wins, co-endorsed by both parties, appear on both maps in a different colour shade.

 

[Thande]

As they have nearly finished counting the votes from the midterms which happened (checks notes) three weeks ago, I thought I'd go back to this project.

I'm not sure if it's worth trying party popular votes by district but I had a go by state. The problem is the colour scale isn't the best for this. I've tried just adding extra pale shades for more nuance at the low end but it doesn't really work. I'd probably be better frameshifting it and ignoring the outliers where there's over 50% of the vote for one party in a handful of places (which, DC aside, are probably due to factors from the primaries that wouldn't apply to a real multi-party election anyway). But at least now I've got the colours down it could be recoloured relatively easily.