Blackness.
Blackness, and distant music, tinny and echoing.
Andrew Neil opened his eyes. After a frown and a moment's thought, he identified the tune as Rick Wakeman's "Arthur".
Unconsciously, he looked down at his shirt, to find it untouched. However, everything seemed to be in shades of grey, with no colour to it. "Hmm..." he muttered to himself, slowly clambering to his feet.
The - room? - was like an early 1980s idea of a multimedia museum experience, all blackness with occasional lights in the dark and colourless images floating in them. Slowly walking in no particular direction, he saw a clip of John Snagge talking about the abolition of the university seats, then Alistair Cooke commenting on the Nixon-Kennedy debate, then someone calling in to ask for a closer look at all the attractive women staffing the telephone exchange that brought all the results in, only for the presenters to oblige. Anthony Eden being asked if he wanted to begin the interview with his considerable foreign policy expertise. Nixon holding puppy on his porch. Maps of both US and UK elections, carefully designed with light and dark shades or stripes so that they could be discerned on black-and-white televisions.
"Where am I?" he muttered. Not an original line, but an apt one. "
When am I?"
The darkness slowly began to fade as he approached a larger, more brightly-lit, diorama which resolved itself into a huge studio. The colour slowly began to return as well, but it was still washed out, standard definition, pre-Trinitron. The lack of colour was not helped by the beige colouration of the set itself, interrupted only by the red and blue, incredibly bulgy Bauhaus text reading 'Decision 79' and matching portraits of Jim Callaghan and Margaret Thatcher.
"Oh no," Neil muttered. "'My name is Andrew Neil, I've just been shot, and that bullet has sent me back to 1979. Am I mad, in a coma, or back in time...?' No, come on, we're not doing the
Life on Mars stroke
Ashes to Ashes parody, it's been done a million times before, I literally can't think of a more overdone reference, let's do something else."
He was tapped on the shoulder by a terrifyingly young David Dimbleby. "Andrew Neil, I am the Ghost of Election Nights Past."
"I stand corrected," Neil grunted. "Come on, it's two months to Christmas, nearly. What are you, a retail outlet?"
"I
said, I am the Ghost of Election Nights Past..."
"Not
very much past, though, are you?" Neil complained. "I mean you still hosted Miliband beating Cameron last year, and I'm not convinced you're going to vacate the hot seat for the very uneventful following election which will doubtless take place in 2020."
"Shut up and listen. I'm going to show you the error of your ways, take you to the
Economist offices, how you stayed there all night working instead of joining the staff in their insect-eating parties..."
"Look, let's just skip this bit, alright," Neil said, casually walking across the set in the middle of Robin Day talking about the Guildford declaration whilst smoking a giant cigar. "Let me see...ah!" He found a door.
On the other side, the view was reassuringly high-definition. "What will be David Miliband's reaction to the loss of Labour's control of Hartlepool Council," Huw Edwards was saying, "not only to the Conservatives but also to breakthroughs from the English Democrats. Clearly this will be the most dramatic political event of 2016..."
Edwards paused mid-sentence to meet Neil's gaze. "Oh, Andrew. I'm the Ghost of Election Nights Present, and I'm here to go and show you how Jeremy Vine is splitting just a single small by-election with his family, but still praising your generosity-"
"No," Neil said in his best Paxman impression, showing Edwards aside and walking straight on through the studio to another door. "Ah..."
He had expected the third room looked like either the inside of an iPod or the bridge of the USS
Enterprise from the JJ Abrams Star Trek films. But instead, there was nothing futuristic or even faux-futuristic about this. The room was dark, the image quality poor, as though he had gone
back in time, not forward. The equipment looked rather amateurishly set-up as well, and there seemed to be an awful lot of Union Jack imagery all over the desk and backdrop.
Neil paused, and for some reason, sat down at the desk. It was almost as if the seat had been prepared for him. He stared into the gently ticking camera and its light as though undergoing a Voigt-Kampff test. As he stared, a fuzzy screen flickered reluctantly into life, showing a stuttery, slow-to-update status live feed. At the bottom were the words 'VIEWERS: 0'. A temporary glitch, surely. But it refused to change.
"I..." he began.
A dark, cloaked figure loomed ominously beside him. "Hi, I'm Jack Kelly, an earnest young man from Youtube," said the earnest young man from Youtube. "And I'm also the Ghost of Election Nights Yet to Come."
"Spirit," Neil breathed. "What is this place?"
Kelly gestured dramatically around him. "This, Andrew Neil, is where you will end up, if you continue in your evil ways. Conned into signing off your broadcast career on this, trapping yourself in a box with Nigel Farage and-"
"Didn't Nigel Farage die in that plane crash six years ago?"
"I..." Kelly paused, then pulled an iPhone 20 out of his pocket, which lacked a headphone port, charging port, and indeed a screen; he had simply scratched a note onto its featureless case with a pencil. "Uh...sorry, I think we got the wrong timeline's Andrew Neil? Sorry for the mixup. You're probably OK then, just try not to fall out with the BBC like Jeremy Clarkson."
"What do you mean? I thought Top Gear series 23 was a return to form - well, maybe not that one episode where Richard and Jeremy strapped Martin Hughes-Games to a bomb unless he could build an airship within 24 hours to escape Alcatraz. That was a bit contrived."
"Uh...right," Kelly glanced at a note on another part of the inert iPhone case.
"So, can I go back now?" Neil asked. "I have an election night to finish."
"Oh...er..." Kelly looked out of his depth. "I suppose so. Don't tell management."
"I won't," Neil assured him, then walked out of the final door.
We're losing him...no, wait! That was a flicker!
Neil sat up in his chair, gasping, bandages covering his chest. "I..."
"Thank goodness you're all right," Katty Kay said, mopping his forehead with a handkerchief. "Thanks to these dedicated paramedics," she nodded to a crew of smiling carers, "they've pulled you back." She spoke sotto voce. "Now, are you still on good enough terms with Rupert Murdoch to get him to lend you seven hundred thousand pounds to pay the medical bill?"
"One thing at a time," Neil grunted. "Where are those damn results, Vine?"
"Coming, sir!"
Rich (BB code):
OR-03
Prog 168,949 42.3%
Lib 113,397 28.4%
Nat 53,844 13.5%
Fus 35,834 9%
All 27,179 6.8%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 399,204
MCs elected:
Prog
Lib
Prog
"This one takes in most of the city of Portland in Oregon, known for its quirky and freaky people, like Brighton except possibly with even more rain. Unsurprisingly it appears to now be a Progressive stronghold."
Rich (BB code):
CA-17
Lib 103,886 41.8%
Prog 79,915 32.1%
Nat 32,026 12.9%
Fus 18,900 7.6%
All 13,968 5.6%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 248,695
MCs elected:
Lib
Prog
Lib
"California's seventeenth district, in the southern part of the San Francisco metro area, around Santa Clara and the bay...one of the Liberals is the sitting Democratic representative, Ro Laren, who was the first Bajoran to be elected to Congress."
"Er, are you
sure that Wikipedia article wasn't edited recently?"
Rich (BB code):
WA-06
Prog 124,978 37.5%
Nat 104,108 31.3%
Lib 47,618 14.3%
All 28,947 8.7%
Fus 27,341 8.2%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 332,992
MCs elected:
Prog
Nat
Prog
"And back to Washington state - this one is mostly the city of Tacoma, which is opposite Seatle across Puget Sound. This one was considered pretty Democratic before, and the Progressives have the lead, but look at how close the Nationals came! Not at all the sort of territory we would have expected them to do well in at the start of tonight, or even a little way in."
"Yes, this consolidation of the right on the Nationals - the Fusionists even came behind the Alliance here! - while the left remains split, it's definitely changing the political nature of what was called the Left Coast."
The camera panned across the studio to briefly reveal that a shaking Ted Cruz and Jeb Bush, both wearing Lone Star blankets and trembling, were being sternly lectured by Oprah Winfrey. However, it soon came back to the screen.
Rich (BB code):
CA-09
Lib 77,239 32.4%
Nat 70,563 29.6%
Prog 57,480 24.1%
Fus 19,921 8.4%
All 12,988 5.5%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 238,191
MCs elected:
Lib
Nat
Prog
"California's ninth district includes places like Oakland and Berkeley, which has way too many chemical elements named after it."
"Ytterby in Sweden is telling you to hold their beer."
"I - what, is that what the youth are saying nowadays? - er, anyway, it was a Democratic-leaning district with a substantial Republican minority, and that's reflected in the results here. Again, the consolidated right on the Nationals came close to topping the polls."
"Tell you what, let's have a map."
"Phew, you weren't kidding, that's one heck of a big state! And plenty more results to come, too."
Rich (BB code):
OR-01
Prog 118,086 30.9%
Lib 101,326 26.5%
Nat 79,896 20.9%
Fus 52,264 13.7%
All 31,101 8.1%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 382,673
MCs elected:
Prog
Lib
Nat
"Oregon's first district takes in more of the surrounding metro area of Portland, and again the Progressives have beaten the Liberals, who seem to be having a similar lack of success in the Pacific Northwest as they did in most of New England, at the start of this remarkable election night."
"And perhaps there is a connection."
Rich (BB code):
NV-02
Fus 94,650 29%
Nat 74,981 23%
Prog 70,277 21.6%
Lib 59,040 18.1%
All 27,063 8.3%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 326,011
MCs elected:
Fus
Nat
Prog
"Nevada's second district, in the far north of the state, taking in Reno, which is like Blackpool but in a desert. That's only the fourth - I think - district we've had where the Fusionists have actually topped the polls. Clearly the electoral alliance has not born the fruit these gentlemen hoped for," Kay nodded at the weeping Cruz and Bush, who were now exchanging freshly-baked cookies. "It's normally considered a right-leaning district, but the Progressives have pulled out another win in an unexpected areas."
Rich (BB code):
CA-31
Lib 74,198 32.4%
Nat 63,916 27.9%
Prog 57,762 25.2%
Fus 19,785 8.6%
All 13,164 5.8%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 228,825
MCs elected:
Lib
Nat
Prog
"California's thirty-first district is around San Bernardino, east of Los Angeles, in the area called the Inland Empire...tsch,
someone's writing a letter to the
Guardian...and again, the same three parties jockeying for position."
Rich (BB code):
WA-07
Prog 231,576 55.7%
Lib 109,836 26.4%
Nat 38,796 9.3%
All 23,666 5.7%
Fus 11,819 2.8%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 415,693
MCs elected:
Prog
Prog
Lib
"And with this we finally get the Washington district that takes in most of Seattle itself, with a huge win for the Progressives."
"Need we now therefore change it to 'hey baby I hear the
greens are called, tossed salads and scrambled eggs'?"
"...no."
Rich (BB code):
NV-01
Lib 64,248 32.6%
Prog 57,073 29%
Nat 32,736 16.6%
Fus 31,497 16%
All 11,286 5.7%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 196,840
MCs elected:
Lib
Prog
Nat
"But the Liberals pull it out, just, in Nevada's first district. This one takes in most of what we would consider Las Vegas, it's a tiny and compact district."
"Though interestingly, Las Vegas isn't actually Las Vegas."
"...is this one of those 'fascinating facts' like 'in China, amazingly, nobody actually eats Chinese food'?"
"No. The bit with all the casinos is technically called Paradise. Look it up."
"What, as in the Guns N' Roses so-"
"No."
Rich (BB code):
CA-14
Lib 131,664 44.2%
Prog 97,344 32.7%
Nat 37,261 12.5%
Fus 16,968 5.7%
All 14,506 4.9%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 297,743
MCs elected:
Lib
Prog
Lib
"This one is the area south of San Francisco proper along the coast, and yes, we'll be seeing a lot of similar districts in California like this I suspect, with big wins for the left and the Liberals outpolling the Progressives, but the latter still getting a seat. Not even the Californian united right we've seen can get in range in a seat like this."
Rich (BB code):
NV-04
Lib 80,412 29%
Nat 63,640 23%
Fus 59,740 21.6%
Prog 56,658 20.5%
All 16,482 6%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 276,932
MCs elected:
Lib
Nat
Fus
"And that's the last Nevada seat. I think I actually read out this description for the third, by accident, which is the one south of Las Vegas-"
"Oh, you're calling it Las Vegas
now..."
"Shut up...whereas this is the large one north of it. Both have spillover from the city and that accounts for a lot of their voters. Quite a mixed result here, with the Progressives only just behind the Fusionists in the race for the third seat. What will the statewide results look like..."
Rich (BB code):
Nevada
Lib 283,560 25.2%
Fus 261,801 23.3%
Prog 255,700 22.7%
Nat 250,257 22.2%
All 74,067 6.6%
Cst 0 0%
Con 0 0%
Total 1,125,385
MCs elected:
Lib
Lib
"Very close between the top four parties, and I think the closest the Fusionists have come to taking top-up seats under that banner, but no, it's yet another plurality win for the Liberals. And with that, those three states are now complete..."
