Here's one from my test thread on the Other Place.
February 20, 2045 — American Party System Rundown
“The Big Two”
Democratic Party: Show of hands here — who's
actually surprised that the Democrats nabbed a third term? Sure, the leftist pessimists and Jack Francis' Patriot News 2044 special were all acting as if a red wave was imminent, but it's not like Andrew Tate is some kind of sweet-talking political whisperer.
... Well, he is, but only to self-hating wannabe-dudebros, and that's 0.46% of the voting population.
Jonathan Cheng-Willis: Is anyone surprised at how quiet the “neo-birtherism” narrative is in the sane political sphere? I suppose being born outside the U.S. does limit the range of applicable racist dog-whistles to only good-ol' racial slurs. He is settling in quite nicely as a policy wonk, though. God knows he's no campaigning whiz. Winning the nomination by virtue of existing hasn't helped with his base approvals either, but that can't be helped.
Jack Schlossberg: Having taken great-uncle Ted's path-not-taken and moved to the west, Schlossberg has managed to bring the Kennedy name back into the White House after 82 years. Pity he has to settle for VP though.
[redacted]: Turns out having an army of swing-seat blue-collar voters and urban progressives on your side makes the Democratic leadership listen to you quite a lot because he still has the gavel, some-fucking-how. Again. The most shocking thing is still his 250-seat strong majority, though, and the fact that the three people on the SOTU podium are all men for the first time since (checks notes) 2018 is incredibly useful for the political nerds at quiz night. Which, surprisingly, makes up 0.47% of the voting population.
Jon Ossoff: All things considered, ending up as Secretary of State was a pretty good outcome for Starmer-Down-South; that military buildup along the Russo-Estonian border is looking a bit iffy though.
Brian Schatz: Still going strong after 32 years in the Senate. Probably retiring in 2049, which will inevitably kick off a high-stakes leadership fight between AOC and Chris Pappas.
Which AOC will inevitably win.
Brace Belden: Still salty about losing the nomination, but the Democrats privately promising to clear the lane for CA-Sen after Porter retires softens the blow a bit.
Republican Party: The Party of Lincoln indulged their Trumpist wing so much it cost you every election sans one since 2020, huh? Let a guy being investigated by three countries for human trafficking get nominated for president, huh? Decades of rhetoric finally coming home to roost in the form of a huge intra-party fight, huh?
Kiera O'Brien: Probably drinking on the job at this rate, considering the size of the mess she has to patch up.
Benji Backer: Courting support for his inevitable 2048 run after coming in third against Tate and Vega. And that was with most of his endorsers switching to a tentative thumbs-up for the ex-VP nominee. Honestly, a Backer presidency would probably not suck, though even that's high praise for the man who slashed Washington's UBI system to pay for the seawalls.
Mike Gallagher: Very much enjoying his “I told you so” tour across the first primary states (that's Empty, Frosty, Sandy, and Swampy). Less enjoying how he went from being within two seats of a full majority to losing fucking Idaho to the Democrats.
Andrew Tate: Screaming about evil gay Democrat oppression against manly men or whatever. I assume that because he's finally been arrested for the whole “human trafficking” thing.
Good luck, Taint, even the GOP has had it with your shit. Considering how you sent them to third place in the popular vote, that's not really a surprise.
Ashley Hinson: The once-and-former Speaker has fully shat the bed this time. Despite even MSNBC saying that her chances of staying as Speaker were “pretty solid” (and that was after Tate!) the GOP was still flushed out of the House, which makes [redacted] “Deep Chocolate” congressional HPV fucking [redacted] Speaker of the House. Again. Good luck with the backbenchers, I guess, you deserve this.
Mallerie Stromswold: Leading the “all hands on deck” uprising against HML Hinson. How long this coalition of Romney Republicans, techbros and Trumpists lasts is another story entirely.
Braxton Mitchell: The leading Trumpist left in the Senate is trying to “moderate” (hah) between Backer's “sellouts” and Tate's “crazies”, he's trying to piss off nobody and is being forced to settle for everybody.
Jake Paul: The ex-president is back in the GOP fold, which is odd considering how they literally just nominated his once-arch-nemesis.
“Minor Parties”
Our Future—Libertarian: They've made it! Honestly pretty glad for their presence, if only for the interesting electoral maps.
Carrick Flynn: Actually learned some lessons from Forward's trash fire of a run and now they've actually won electoral votes. Most of them were probably due to Tate's equally-disastrous presidential bid, but it's something.
Kyle Musk: The party's main backer who seems to be in equal parts saner and less-saner than his dad — who actually considers “Kyle” to be a good name?
Jasmine Collins: The party's resident leftist. Considering the shitshow that is the Peace Party I'm honestly not surprised she ended up saying “yes, the 'not-like-other-girls' centrists are the better option”.
Ziad Ahmed: Pretty much just selling Democratic policies without the “Democratic” label, and if that doesn't sum up the party's ex-Forward presence I don't know what does.
Katie Zolnikov: The party's token Republican, and surprisingly the lead-polling candidate for Montana's 2nd congressional district.
Democratic Socialists of America: Promising to be the “True Left” option for 2034, which doesn’t seem promising considering the whole “joke” about leftist infighting.
Summer Lee: The party's elder(?) stateswoman is still part of the Democrats, which is fair enough, I suppose.
Carlos Ramirez-Rosa: Democratic socialism is about the issues, not the spectacle. Carlos, what are you doing here? It would make a lot more sense to just stay with the Democrats if you were trying to be President, but no, you're just here for the debate around Medicare waiting times, as one does. Good for you.
Peace: The seemingly-encroaching European war between Prigozhin's Russia and someone in Europe has one upside — Brittany Ramos DeBarros is becoming increasingly visibly uncomfortable with sharing a party with Jackson Hinkle, which is probably a lot more entertaining than it is significant.
Calla Walsh: Still pretending that she didn't call for letting Estonia and Vietnam be annexed for wOrLd pEAcE. Still hasn't been banned from Twitter either — how exactly is calling for the murder of pro-democracy activists in Hong Kong within the Twitter rules, Citron?
Jackson Hinkle: Went to Belarus and praised both Lukashenkos, which would very much sink a normal politician. After the "my main campaign donor was a key funder for the Wagner militia" thing from last year, though, I don't especially think anyone who still supports him cares.
Brittany Ramos DeBarros: Pretty much just this close to bailing on the party.
Rainer Shea: Rainer Shea is not a thing, even if he did manage to lose a congressional special election by, like, half a percent. Then lose again in the general election by 30 points but that's not the point —
“Everyone Else”
Amazon: Still dealing with the flack from having the Wide-Awake protestors nearly mowed down by dronefire. Namely, the thirty-one federal charges, which might actually go somewhere this time.
American Workers: Red-brown pact seething as usual
Twitter: Still alive and are still shit. Moving on...
Hustlers: The cultists might actually get Mar-A-Lago-ed soon if they keep going after feminist activists. There's only so many B&Es, attempted rapes, actual rapes, kidnappings and murders you can claim happened thanks to, well, not your calls for violence.
Green Front: Eco-terrorists turn out to be in support of eco-terrorism, more at 11...