Mods Are Asleep: Post Cats!
(Or: The Moderatocracy)
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The following is entirely fictional. The story, all usernames, posters, and incidents portrayed are fictitious. Any identification with actual posters (active, inactive, gone fishing, kicked or banned), threads, in-jokes, or overused gags is unintended and entirely coincidental.
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Administrators of Ezelpe (A Metaverse Instance)
2027-2035:
@moorland (Administration)
2027 def: unopposed
2030 def: unopposed
2033 def: @cimcat (Anti-Administration)
2035-2037:
@moorland (Administration - Moorist-Mowenist)
2036 def: @baron_barns (Administration - "Authentic"), @cimcat (Anti-Administration)
2037-2042:
@baron_barns (Administration - "Authentic")
2039 election suspended
Membership of the Moderator Juntas of Ezelpe (A Metaverse Instance)
2042-2052:
@mowen (Moderation)
2042 with @blaze (Moderation) and @fawsley (Moderation)
2043 with @blaze (Moderation) and @d_mod (Moderation)
2046 with @blaze (Moderation) and @gritty (Moderation)
2052-2053:
@blaze (Moderation)
2052 with @gritty (Moderation) and @fawsley (Moderation)
Administremperor of the Sovereign Entity of Ezelpe (A Metaverse Instance)
2053-2067:
@dr_walnut (Administremperor's Circle)
Administrators of Ezelpe (A Metaverse Instance)
2067-2068:
@cimcat (Ezelpean Shitposter Congress)
2067 def: @time_out (Administremperorial Remnant), @blaze (Moorist-Mowenist League)
Everyone laughed when the Metaverse first launched.
It was tacky and weird, and everyone agreed that there was no chance that it could ever catch on. But, much like every technological leap before it, it eventually simply became a part of everyday life. By the late 2020s and early 2030s, pretty much every major website had established a presence in the Metaverse.
Online forums and chatrooms were no exception; in fact, they often led by example. Many forums moved wholesale, becoming "instances" of the Metaverse, and emerging as true emulations of their Roman namesakes, home lively debate in virtual agorae. This is the story of one such forum.
Ezelpe was, originally, an elaborate social experiment exploring the extent to which one can beat a dead horse to receive likes, and a post-neo-modernist art piece serving as a social commentary on the humour of said dead horses. It was planned for the nature of the experiment to be revealed in 2024, but the project spiralled out of control and lost sight of the original goals; and so when the Metaverse came knocking in 2027, the community was ready and waiting to sign up.
The early administration was led by a number of users, the chief administrator being @moorland. He was joined by a host of moderators, and in general the administration of the instance was drawn from the same users who had moderated the original website. Like the majority of early-adopters, however, the administration adopted a largely performative form of digital democracy in its early years; in which @moorland was elected unopposed as administrator on two occasions.
All was not rosy in Ezelpe, however. There was resentment at the centralisation of power under the administrator; and an intense backlash to some of the instance rules put forward by @moorland. The infamous "no-really-we-can't-use-the-metaverse-to-solve-the-real-housing-crisis" declaration led to virtual riots, and symbolised the growing rift between the administrator and the average user.
In response, @cimcat launched the first challenge to the leadership of @moorland in 2033 under the "Anti-Administration" label, running on a populist, shitposter platform. She came remarkably close to unseating the sitting administrator, which spooked the administration and the moderators. This signalled the major split in the administration between @moorland and former ally @baron_barns, who formed his own "alternative" administration in response. The two new administrations vied for supremacy in a dual power situation for some minutes, before the election in 2036 allowed the two administrations and the Anti-Administration camps to clash legitimately.
The famous debate in the virtual agora between @moorland, @baron_barns and @cimcat was legendary. @moorland had by this time rebranded his grouping as the "Moorist-Mowenist" Administration, codifying his beliefs (and those of his chief moderator, @mowen) into a single ideology. He famously argued "no, really, stop beating this dead horse it's the 2030s surely the housing crisis is solved by now". @baron_barns, meanwhile, centred his arguments on his slogan ("Hang the Floggers, Flog the Doggers, and Dog the Hangers") and christened his grouping as the "Authentic" Administration. @cimcat resumed her shitposting campaign from 2023, arguing that neither administrations were actually funny enough for the good users of Ezelpe. @moorland emerged victorious, but both other candidates called the legitimacy of the election into question.
In the end, it did not matter; @moorland was perma-banned from the entire Metaverse in 2037 as part of the wider "crypto for cope" scandal afflicting the Labour-Green coalition government of the real-world United Kingdom. As the runner-up of the previous election, @baron_barns took his place as administrator.
The @baron_barns administration was immediately beset by crisis, after it emerged that @baron_barns had purchased a 'body pillow' in 2031, circumventing the embargo of Japan during the Third World War. His approval ratings plummeted; not only was he accused of anti-British activity, but he had also done so in a weeb-y way. In response he indefinitely postponed the planned 2039 election and ruled by decree until 2042, when his moderators finally broke with the administration. The final straw was, supposedly, an outburst by @baron_barns where he said the moderators were "basically weebs by association".
The moderators hit back, and they hit back hard. Using their power over the instance, they banned @baron_barns and essentially launched a coup d’état.
In his place, a council of three moderators led the administration of Ezelpe. The first council was comprised of the three moderators who had organised and led the coup; @mowen (who had inherited the following of @moorland), @blaze and @fawsley. The first major change in the composition of the council came in 2043, when @fawsley was replaced with @d_mod, and the composition was changed again without controversy in 2046 when @d_mod was replaced by @gritty.
The ship had been steadied under the stalwart leadership of @mowen. There was little democracy any more, but riots in the agora had subsided; and shitposts flowed freely. Some agitators continued to push for justice, such as @cimcat, but these were exceptions to the rule.
This all changed when @mowen stepped down after ten years of leadership, announcing in 2052 that he had no time for the Metaverse now that he was First Minister of the real-world country of Wales.
There was no consensus within the moderation as to who should replace @mowen. @blaze led a short-lived caretaker administration with @gritty and @fawsley, but she was swept away by @mowen’s actual successor. It was @dr_walnut; who had been appointed as a minor moderator the previous year.
@dr_walnut took direct control, utilising his control over the instance administration account (which he took control over by changing the password). He banned those moderators and Ezelpians who would not submit to him, and declared himself the ‘Administremperor’.
@dr_walnut had achieved supreme power, and quickly set about exacting his will upon the denizens of Ezelpe. He banned the posting of images unrelated to ongoing discussions, banned anyone who dissented to his rule, and – most egregiously for many Ezelpian posters – publicly declared that Star Trek was “massively overrated”. This state of affairs continued for some time, with @dr_walnut’s control of the administrative account ensuring his complete control over the server (although, by this time, user numbers had plummeted due to mass bans).
But, like many despots, @dr_walnut failed to count on the love for liberty that persists in posters’ hearts. On the fortieth anniversary of Ezelpe’s foundation, a grand celebration was cancelled as @dr_walnut and his top moderator @time_out instead had a pizza party in real life. The end result was the two heads of the regime falling asleep earlier than planned, engorged on Hawaiian pizza (which @dr_walnut had declared was “the best kind”).
Seizing the opportunity, a group of shitposters led by @cimcat stormed the central square of the instance and declared with one voice “the Mods are asleep!”, and in violation of the banning of unrelated images they declared “post cats!”. And so, cats were posted. So many photos of so many cats – fluffy, hairless, tabby, grey, angry, derpy – were rendered into virtual existence at one time that it overloaded the server, forcing a full restart.
The full restart reset the administrative account password to what it had been before @dr_walnut had seized power; allowing the shitposters to themselves gain control.
@cimcat gained control of the administrative account and banned @dr_walnut; and then unbanned all those who had been unjustly banned by the @dr_walnut regime, and held the first elections in over thirty years. She won in a landslide; vowing to return Ezelpe to the prosperous and humorous “old days”, and govern with dignity.
And then the instance was shut down by Meta, having defaulted on its monthly crypto-rent payments under @dr_walnut’s rule.
