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Kimkatya's Kalamitous Kavern Kontaining Krap Kontent

FROM CELEBNEWZ.CO.UK

TOP FIVE HOTTEST BRITISH PRIME MINISTERS OF THE 20TH CENTURY

It's History week here on Celebnewz, so here's the top five most attractive men (and women) to lead this country through it's proud (recent) history.

NUMBER FIVE: JOHN SLESSOR (NONPARTISAN MILITARY GOVERNMENT, 1948-1950)
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What a way to start! With his cleancut look and his army posture, Slessor's eyes pierce your heart like he (sure, illegally, but it wasn't like Lansbury was doing anything!) pierced the Jerries' U-Boats during the war. For all those lovely ladies looking for a military man, here's one for you!

NUMBER FOUR: MARGARET HODGE (SOCIALIST LABOUR, 1994-1996)
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Not everyone on this list will be for the ladies, of course! Here's a Lefty Lover brought up in a rich family, swept into power by a funky coalition deal and the collapse of the "Owen Majority". While her New Socialist Policies may not have taken the cabinet by storm, her refined but messy attitude means that she could take you by storm... in bed!

NUMBER THREE: PETER SHORE (LABOUR, 1969-1978)
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Some ladies want an intellectual, a man who'll stimulate the mind as well as everything else. No need to go further than the beloved social democratic Prime Minister Peter Shore, who was said to have finally brought life back to the Labour Party after twenty years of opposition after the military coup. Those smoky, distant eyes and that mane of a hairdo mean that he'd be focused on you as he was on negotiating Argentina out of the Falklands.

NUMBER TWO: HARRY TAWNEY (LABOUR, 1923-1924)
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Ladies, there's no man more IT right now than the "twink". As for twinks in politics (politwinks, if you will ;)), you can't beat our short-term but higly influential maverick Mr. R.H. Tawney, or Harry as he was known to the public. Look at that schoolboy haitdo and that cocky smile! You know that he's one of the best.

NUMBER ONE: DR. DAVID OWEN (Labour, 1985-1994)
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Who would think the man who founded modern British democracy would be such a DILF? For one thing, he's a Doctor, so you know he'll be able to keep the kids healthy. Nothing more than David Owen, the most beloved man to hit Britain could pull off that arrogance.

this is the straightest thing i have ever written and i am currently in pain

i called david owen a dilf this is awful
 
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cikka said:
David Owen, the most beloved man to hit Britain
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Somehow this is the most cursed thing in a list that describes R. H. Tawney as a twink.

Obviously most of this is pretty disgusting, but the idea of a David Owen who somehow manages not to destroy his own reputation with the usual David Owen bullshit is inimical to all my knowledge about politics. Great work Cikka.
 
Walpurgisnacht said:
Somehow this is the most cursed thing in a list that describes R. H. Tawney as a twink.

Obviously most of this is pretty disgusting, but the idea of a David Owen who somehow manages not to destroy his own reputation with the usual David Owen bullshit is inimical to all my knowledge about politics. Great work Cikka.
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this is the second time i've made an althist with beloved politician david owen, although the first one was a tribute for a hoi4 mod i was working on

thank you, though. it was the worst thing ive ever written.
 
cikka said:
"The History of Rural Brigands"

When it came to the meeting place, Tredegar was the only option. At least, it was to Kinnock. His birth city, a place where he sat on his father's knee and learnt of the worker's cause, of how every mining man worth his salt declared he had been down the mine with that great icon of Welsh Socialist unionism, Aneurin Bevan. The Valleys were easily the most stable land of the government in Wales, but after barrage and barrage of military fire, even the industrially dead steel city seemed quieter than ever. Passing through, Neil's car had been pelted with stones and eggs, while the young rebels spat insults into the misty sky. Kinnock had felt worse. He had been tortured by Healy's russian hitmen back in the 60's, had told Hatton to fuck off in the 80's, had been captured and again tortured by Duncan Smith's Purples, and had mucked through the dirty shit that Kennedy dug for himself in the 2010s. And each time, he survived, metaphorically or not, on pure skill and wit. And all he got was a seat in Sugar's re-established House of Lords and the job of dealing with arguably the most dangerous remnant of the Civil War.

Byddin Cymru, or "The Army of Wales" to anyone outside of the damn region, had been reported to be everything from a terrorist group to a provisional government. The Army, clad alternately in suits and balaclavas made claim to Wales in essence on the basis of negligence. It had been let fester and rot while the Trots drowned their cities for more pipelines to Liverpool and insulted the "Taffies" for their language and their culture. Kinnock had to admit that they had a point, but they displayed that point by threatening farmers at gunpoint not to sell their goods to England. And of course, that was only the start. Even as Welsh unrest became too big to not notice, Healy was too busy engaging in illicit carnal pleasures to notice, and by the time he finally shit the bed and died, there wasn't a Welsh soul involved with the Trots. As the government collapsed during the Flag Revolution, Wales had one of it's own, as a demonstration in Cardiff turned into a protest, turned into a riot, and then turned into a war. Hatton didn't even try to negotiate despite the arguments of Kinnock himself and every other opposition leader. But Hatton didn't see them as a threat. And as the New Beginning party fractured immediately and the Socialist faction declared allegiance to Trotsky once more, Wales went strangely quiet. It was the army's land, and although there were some minor conflicts, the army appealed to those Irish-Americans who moved back home during America's particular stagnation. And of course, it appealed to the students.

The bloody students.

As the years went by and the French intervened, The students grew up to be the Army and the Army grew up to be a government, claiming right over Wales in it's entirety. But as the peace was created and arguably maintained, a silent agreement emerged between the two governments. No one goes in, no one goes out. Especially not any bloody English looking to holiday in Powys. But there is a benefit to two governments. If you shut two people in a room for long enough, either one will kill and eat the other or they'll figure out a compromise. Prime Minister Sugar was hoping for the latter in his big "Union Together" campaign. The dirty bomb in Liverpool didn't help.

The armoured vehicle finally pulled up to the empty clearing where the arrangements were to be made. The day was honestly lovely, with blue skies (In September? Kinnock could hardly believe it.) flashing between the leafless branches of the trees. There were a number of militants wearing balaclavas holding non-descript guns, possibly of Russian origin. There was a man sitting in a suit and tie in a foldable chair in front of a foldable table. The man had an almost constant grimace, his eyebrows arched. Kinnock got out of the car, and held his arms out.

"I assume you're not the kind of people who enjoy meeting in big, important buildings." he said, as he was briefly pat down by a militiaman.

The man's grimace twisted into a small smile. "We're in a town that has no important buildings left."

Kinnock sat down. "I wouldn't say that." He placed the document onto the table.

The man's smile reduced back into a grimace. "My name is Adam Price. I assume the terms of our agreement are as descibed in your communiqués?"

"Indeed." Kinnock replied.

"Very good. I will be signing on behalf of the Army of Wales. Tomorrow, one of our cohorts will meet with Prime Minister Sugar and you'll get your big moment in a very important building."

Kinnock looked for a smile on Price's face, but none came.
He took out his pen, and quickly scribbled his name on the document. Turing the sheet over to Price, Kinnock suddenly heard a click.

It would be the last thing he would ever hear. In his final moments, he saw the balaclava wearing militants place a note, and he thought of Glenys.
--------------
The chauffeur would deliver the letter to the government. Scribbled in it was a simple message, of course, written in Welsh.
"We shall live as one, die as one. We are Wales. We are not to remain idle. The deaths of Kinnock and Price is a warning. Leave now and give us our rightful lands and there shall be no more blood shed for your people. Signed, The New Army of Wales."

It appeared an age of peace had become a new war once more.
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"Salting the Earth"

The Earth Party was not a nature cult. They didn't use phony pyramid schemes or have big camps out in Lincolnshire. Zac made sure of that, that Teddy didn't go down in history as some kind of weirdo rightist who wanted to fuck plants... no matter that that was the truth.

Or in a sense, he was. The Earth Party was formed in the 1970's by Goldsmith's uncle and mentor, Edward as a kind of popular rallying point for nature. Stop putting things in the water, stop burning coal, be one with nature. Over time, it pulled in many rich friends, some of which were just there for the sex and the booze, some who were there because they liked trees. Teddy's raucous parties gave a certain air to the enviromentalist movement in Britain. That it was a rich people's game, that nature was nothing to the small business owner and the local farmer, and as Britain further collapsed in on itself, as the grand vistas became shrouded in warfare, Teddy and his friends continued eating and fucking, while of course sparing a thought for the poor Aborigine, the greatest of people.

Goldsmith's magazine, also helpfully called "Earth", displayed the problems of nature worldwide, but unfortunately failed to pick up any actual readers. By the end of his life, Teddy was a novelty, kept alive by his brother, James. And the magazine is where Zac comes into the picture. Zac Goldsmith was James' son, but he never had a relationship with his gallivanting father. No, his mentor was Teddy, who taught him of the glories of nature and the community, how we should live in small groups, trade alone, be one with the ecosystem.

It took Zac forty years to realise that at least some of what Teddy told him was bullshit. When he finally kicked the bucket, and therefore was no longer leader of the Earth Party, Teddy's friends shook their heads and wakled away to some new parties, perhaps aid for those starving in Manchester. And as leader of the Earth Party, Goldsmith realised a plan.

The Party would become fresh, new, progressive. No matter Goldsmith's personal feeling on the market, he knew what sold, and what sold to disaffected youths running around in the inner cities was rebellion. Something different to the same old shit. So the Earth Party, once a party of rich socialites, became packed with students.

The next part of the plan was a matter of luck. In the London Borough of Stepney a minor political party formed, representing the interests of Bengalis in the area. The leader of this party, a well-dressed political type named Luftur Rahman. Goldsmith met with Rahman and discussed a plot, to bring both parties to the national level.
Rahman agreed, and thus began the "Progressive Alliance". The "Stepney Minority Interests' Party" was renamed the Minority Interests Party, representing Black, Asian and Middle-Eastern people all around Britain. The Party's first big grab was in a local council election in 2011, as "Minority Interests" gained a massive surge on Oldham council, and forced the Radical group to coalition. Similar events happened in Bradford and Stepney, with Earth being slighly less successful and gaining seats in Oxford and strangely, in Newcastle.

But this was only the beginning. In 2015, the Progs, as they came to be known ran a slate of candidates. Rahman, seeing blood on the horizon in Stepney, stepped down for a young activist named Ash Sarkar. The 2015 elections led to massive gains, again in Bradford, Stepney and Oldham, with Goldsmith himself finally making his way into the House of Commons in Oxford West. The Progs had done it. They were recognisable nationwide.

Zac's Earth Party had only one goal now. To control the next election, to control who got into power and what they were going to decide. It seemed like the future was bright.

The Liverpool Nuke hit hard. An envirommentalist group did it. Eco-Terrorists. Fingers were pointed at Zac as a scapegoat, as any kind of scapegoat. He fumbled answers on the TV about how "The bomb failed, after all." but it was too late.

The British eco movement weren't just toxic, they were dangerous. Things to be loathed.

Imagine if Teddy was here today.

He probably would have loved it.
 
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LEADERLIST FROM ANY COUNTRY I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT

1996-1999: Ok, I recognise their name, but I don't know who they are. (Acronym I don't know)
1999-2008: This one's red. What does red mean? Communists? (The acronym has a W in it, does that mean workers?)
2007-2011: Wait, what the fuck does green mean? (Farmers? Regionalists?)
2011-0000: Ok, red's back. I should probably google these people. (Eh, I'll do it later.)
 
Sitcom Idea that will never come to pass: CLP

Set in a Constituency Labour Party (or Constituency GENERIC SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC Party), featuring the only dedicated Labour people in the rural seat (something made up like Wiltshire Southwest), it covers the various pointless ideological spats and distractions of the two longtime constituency workers and their left-wing former PPC who just hung around there after they bought a house in the region. Episode ideas include:

- A council by-election in a well-populated part of the constituency leads to a debate among the gang whether to partner with the local Libdem/GENERIC LIBERAL candidate to stop the Tories/GENERIC CONSERVATIVE.
- The gang tries to take advantage of a local school's climate strike to promote party issues, but accidentally attracts the ire of the kids' conservative parentage.
- The potential of being visited by a Shadow Minister for Equalities is thrown into flux when the minister tweets ambiguously about "Women's Spaces"

I have had this idea stuck in my head for months and the worst part is I can't do anything with it.
 
cikka said:
Sitcom Idea that will never come to pass: CLP

Set in a Constituency Labour Party (or Constituency GENERIC SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC Party), featuring the only dedicated Labour people in the rural seat (something made up like Wiltshire Southwest), it covers the various pointless ideological spats and distractions of the two longtime constituency workers and their left-wing former PPC who just hung around there after they bought a house in the region. Episode ideas include:

- A council by-election in a well-populated part of the constituency leads to a debate among the gang whether to partner with the local Libdem/GENERIC LIBERAL candidate to stop the Tories/GENERIC CONSERVATIVE.
- The gang tries to take advantage of a local school's climate strike to promote party issues, but accidentally attracts the ire of the kids' conservative parentage.
- The potential of being visited by a Shadow Minister for Equalities is thrown into flux when the minister tweets ambiguously about "Women's Spaces"

I have had this idea stuck in my head for months and the worst part is I can't do anything with it.
Click to expand...
How about write a comedy TL based on it?
 
cikka said:
Sitcom Idea that will never come to pass: CLP

Set in a Constituency Labour Party (or Constituency GENERIC SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC Party), featuring the only dedicated Labour people in the rural seat (something made up like Wiltshire Southwest), it covers the various pointless ideological spats and distractions of the two longtime constituency workers and their left-wing former PPC who just hung around there after they bought a house in the region. Episode ideas include:

- A council by-election in a well-populated part of the constituency leads to a debate among the gang whether to partner with the local Libdem/GENERIC LIBERAL candidate to stop the Tories/GENERIC CONSERVATIVE.
- The gang tries to take advantage of a local school's climate strike to promote party issues, but accidentally attracts the ire of the kids' conservative parentage.
- The potential of being visited by a Shadow Minister for Equalities is thrown into flux when the minister tweets ambiguously about "Women's Spaces"

I have had this idea stuck in my head for months and the worst part is I can't do anything with it.
Click to expand...

Labour of Love (a play written by the same guy who wrote Brexit: The Uncivil War) does a similar thing quite well, if you want to look for inspiration!
 
Walpurgisnacht said:
This CLP doesn't exist in real life, so technically this is alternate history by default.

You could get whacky with it and have the PM be a cactus or something.
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I could play around with internal groupings a bit, maybe have a Labour that hasn’t been in power since like
1993
 
cikka said:
Sitcom Idea that will never come to pass: CLP

Set in a Constituency Labour Party (or Constituency GENERIC SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC Party), featuring the only dedicated Labour people in the rural seat (something made up like Wiltshire Southwest), it covers the various pointless ideological spats and distractions of the two longtime constituency workers and their left-wing former PPC who just hung around there after they bought a house in the region. Episode ideas include:

- A council by-election in a well-populated part of the constituency leads to a debate among the gang whether to partner with the local Libdem/GENERIC LIBERAL candidate to stop the Tories/GENERIC CONSERVATIVE.
- The gang tries to take advantage of a local school's climate strike to promote party issues, but accidentally attracts the ire of the kids' conservative parentage.
- The potential of being visited by a Shadow Minister for Equalities is thrown into flux when the minister tweets ambiguously about "Women's Spaces"

I have had this idea stuck in my head for months and the worst part is I can't do anything with it.
Click to expand...
@Time Enough thinking about this idea, and i'm wondering about your thoughts about maybe trying it as a comedy tl, as yokai said, with some fun althisty elements
 
cikka said:
@Time Enough thinking about this idea, and i'm wondering about your thoughts about maybe trying it as a comedy tl, as yokai said, with some fun althisty elements
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I was thinking it’s set in a universe where the Alliance replaced Labour as the Second party in the 80s and formed a Government in the 90s.

This Labour is a Left Wing Populist party which has found itself increasingly doing well as party of the Left Alliance with the Greens as the Democrats collapse in the Mid 00s.

Much of the problems are down to Left Alliance gaining minority control of a council as the Tories and Democrats collapse. Along the way they have to try and run the council with the support of an Indie and a Militant Labour Councillor.

Along the way of this Parks and Rec style story we see the local impact of the Democrats collapse and the Left’s surge as this bunch of Populists try to actually fulfill there promises.
 
Time Enough said:
I was thinking it’s set in a universe where the Alliance replaced Labour as the Second party in the 80s and formed a Government in the 90s.

This Labour is a Left Wing Populist party which has found itself increasingly doing well as party of the Left Alliance with the Greens as the Democrats collapse in the Mid 00s.

Much of the problems are down to Left Alliance gaining minority control of a council as the Tories and Democrats collapse. Along the way they have to try and run the council with the support of an Indie and a Militant Labour Councillor.

Along the way of this Parks and Rec style story we see the local impact of the Democrats collapse and the Left’s surge as this bunch of Populists try to actually fulfill there promises.
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That's fun in itself, and I like the idea of a more influential Democrats (Paddy Ashdown, man after my own obtuse party name loving heart), but I really would like for this to focus on Labour internals, more importantly the byzantine, confusing, and petty nature of internal elections and local politics, and go slightly lower with the concept overall.

What I was thinking was a "boring dystopia" future where Kinnock wins in '92, coalitions with the financially imploding Ashdown, and then someway, somehow, really fucks up. This immediately leads to a moderniser party coup but the Tories get a hairline majority in 97 and proceed to only build from there, Major having been replaced by The Train Man of Enfield Southgate. I did have the idea that one of them could be either a trotskyist or a former trotskyist, only barely having been stopped from being kicked out of the party. Also, Parks and Rec is a good inspiration even if i stopped watching after season 2 because i do want the protagonists to be at least slightly likable.

If I try this, of course.

Also, by the end, NONE OF THEM SHALL BE ENTIRELY CIS

EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE
 
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