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Biaggi’s Second Opium Den

I put way too much effort into listing biaggi's comedic vote choices to be comfortable just leaving it, but at the same time not enough to justify putting it on the list thread. Enjoy this illegitimate brainchild.

Walpurgisnacht said:
1933-1937: Norman Thomas (Popular Front)
def 1932: (with James Maurer) Newton Baker (Democratic), Herbert Hoover (Republican)
1937-1941: Alf Landon (Republican endorsed by “Northern” Democrats)
def 1936: (with George Howard Earle) Norman Thomas (Popular Front), Huey Long ("Southern" Democrats)
1941-1953: Norman Thomas (Popular Front)
def 1940: (with James Maurer) Alf Landon (United Democratic-Republican), Pappy Lee O'Daniel (Texas Regulars)
def 1944: (with Henrik Shipstead) Paul V. McNutt [replacing Wendell Wilkie] (Liberal), Pappy Lee O'Daniel (Southern Regular)
def 1948: (with Roger Coffin) Henrik Shipstead (Liberal), Robert Rice Reynolds (Southern Regular)
1953-1961: Adlai Stevenson (Liberal)
def 1952: (with Burnet Maybank) Phillip Murray (Popular Front), Hugh White (Southern Regular)
def 1956: (with George Smathers) Vito Marcantonio (Popular Front), Ben Laney (Southern Regular)
1961-1965: Jack Fitzgerald-Kennedy (Ind. Liberal running on Civil Rights Ticket (de facto Popular Front support))
def 1960: (with John L. Cashin) John Stennis (Southern Regular), Sam Yorty ("Workerist" Popular Front), Averell Harriman (Liberal)
1965-1969: Lyndon Johnson (Popular Front)
def 1964: (with Jimmy Hoffa) Jack Fitzgerald-Kennedy (Liberal), Lester Maddox (Southern Regular), Sam Yorty (Socialism is 100% Americanism)
1969-1973: Hubert Humphrey (Liberal)
def 1968: (with Edward Brooke) Lyndon Johnson (Popular Front), Richard Nixon (National Regular), Peter Brennan (100% Americanist)
1973-1977: Richard Nixon (National Regular)
def 1972: (with Anthony Imperiale) Hubert Humphrey (Liberal), Hermes LaRouche (100% Americanist endorsed by "Hoffaite" Popular Front), Buckshot Hoffner ("Democratic" Popular Front)
1977-1981: Hermes LaRouche (100% Americanist endorsed by National Regulars and "Hoffaite" Popular Front)
def 1976: (with Sigurd Lucassen) Morris Udall (Liberal endorsed by "Democratic" Popular Front)
1981-1985: Adm. James Carter (Independent)
election cancelled after self-coup, 1980: Hermes LaRouche (100% Americanist endorsed by National Regulars), Walter Mondale/Mike Trbovich (Anti-LaRouche Ticket)
1985-1989: Walter Mondale (Liberal)
def 1984: (with Ted Stevens) Mike Trbovich (People's Democracy), Ron Paul (Constitutional Regular), Helga LaRouche (100% Americanist)
1989-1993: Ron Paul (Constitutional Regular)
def 1988: (with Howard Jarvis) Walter Mondale (Liberal), Tony Mazzochi (People's Democracy), Theo Mitchell (Spirit of '76)
1993-2001: Ross Perot (Spirit of '76)
def 1992: (with Jimmy Griffin) Ted Stevens (Liberal), Walter Fauntroy (People's Democracy), Howard Jarvis (Constitutional Regular)
def 1996: (with Jimmy Griffin) Pat Ungaro (People's Democracy), William Scranton III (Liberal), Douglas Bruce (Constitutional Regular)
2001-2005: Arnold Gore (Liberal)
def 2000: (with Susan Molinari) Ross Perot (Spirit of '76), Edwin Taliaferro (People's Democracy), Roger Elvick (Constitutional Regular)
2005-2009: Ralph Nader (People’s Democracy)
def 2004: (with Arlene H. Baker) Ross Perot (Spirit of '76), Al Gore (Liberal)
2009-2013: Barack Obama (People’s Democracy endorsed by Liberals)
def 2008: (with Mark Dudzic) Lawrence Kotlikoff (Spirit of '76)
2013-2017: Roscoe Anderson (People’s Democracy)
def 2012: (with Donald Norcross) Sean McGarvey (Spirit of '76), Trammell Crow (Liberal)
2017-2021: Paul Kagame (Spirit of '76)
def 2016: (with Peter Navarro) Roscoe Anderson (People's Democracy), Clare McCaskill (Liberal)
2021- : J. R. Biden (Liberal)
def 2020: (with Gretchen Whitmer) Paul Kagame (Spirit of '76), Andrew Gillum (People's Democracy)

Not even going to pretend this is worth doing a proper writeup for. Sorry.
  • FDR falls on his face because of polio at the 1932 DNC, and Baker ends up stepping in as a compromise candidate. With any actual radical change absent from the two parties, America turns to a broad-based socialist/populist-progressive movement that, thanks to Thomas managing to staunch the bleeding from the moderates and retain SPA pre-eminence, is much healthier than OTL...
  • The business community throw the GDP of Honduras (literally) at the Landon campaign, and while he does accomodate some aspects of Thomas' reforms, he still dismantles most of the economic planning apparatus Thomas built up. Then he decides he wants to help Europe in the Anti-Comintern War, and America goes "can we get a do-over?".
  • If Kapp, Mussolini, and Churchill had won their war, Thomas would be remembered as a fool, but by 1943 Soviet tanks were in Berlin, French troops were in the Rhineland, and Thomas (and his significantly wider Popular Front) was in the history books.
  • Domestically, Thomas and his party makes some pretty radical waves (attempting to fuse empowered trade unions with a nascent state economic planning apparatus, birth control on the new National Health Insurance, direct PR election of the President), which makes it even more pathetic that Shipstead quits being VP over taking in Jewish refugees, and then runs with the backing of a party diametrically opposed to his other policies in one of the stupidest elections of all time.
  • Stevenson makes as many accomodations with the new state of affairs as he needs to, keeps getting his economic plans nixed by powerful unions, and only narrowly manages to pass a mutual defence pact against Russia with the main European powers because a couple Pop-Fronters thought Trotsky was robbed. He is arguably his party's greatest President.
  • With the pace of civil rights stalled because the South is angery, celebrity author Fitzgerald-Kennedy runs as an independent endorsed by the Popular Front, and wins because 1) the party machinery turned out for him and 2) his national-level opponent is the only man richer and weirder than him. He does not internalise these lessons.
  • LBJ does COOL BASED LBJ STUFF like OWNING DIXIECRATS and WAVING HIS DICK AROUND and [checks notes] allowing racketeering and voter intimidation to go on from the Vice-President's office
  • Yeah so it turns out massive internal corruption has been lurking in the powerful American labour movement, in a way that's intertwined with the Popular Front as well. Senator Humphrey, a rare Liberal seen as labour-friendly, wins on a platform of investigating this in a way that's totally not a ploy to squash the trade unions and let the Liberals win elections, and also with civil rights for some and minature school buses for others, and won't everyone please calm down?
  • People don't calm down.
  • Bad news! Nixon has had about 8 more years in the political wilderness to get crazier. Good news! Being surrounded by racist Southerners for several decades (Voorhis had a good relationship with the Liberals but Nixon wanted that seat) means that he gets a kick out of being the sane moderate one in the room. Bad news! He still thinks he can control them.
  • The 100% Americanists were never a very healthy party--most of their 1960 voters came from working-class voters who thought Kennedy was a weird posho, who all promptly left once Johnson ran against him. The slow decline into welfare chauvinism left an intellectual vacuum in the party, one that could be easily filled by a negatively charismatic policy wonk and his cultish followers...
  • Hoffa, smelling a winner, endorsed him from exile in Anguilla, and pulled the strings he needed to make that endorsement meaningful. The Regulars, not comprehending why Nixon didn't unleash their paramilitary groupings onto the inner cities, bucked a sitting president at the convention. The betrayal of the remnant Popular Front's endorsement of the Liberals as an "emergency measure" kept the Rust Belt at home. The Newfoundland Crisis intensified American Anglophobia. Steelworkers and mineworkers wanted to ignore the rot in their unions, and felt threatened by minorities. Udall looked like a clown in the debates. So many different dominos, all leading up to one moment.
  • As his supporters cheered as he denounced "the rat-world of impotence and cowardice", Lyndon Hermyle "Hermes" LaRouche took his place as President of the United States of America.
  • Once the polls started indicating that he wasn't going to win the next election, LaRouche tried pretty much what you'd expect him to try. By the 20th of October, Mitchell WerBell had been shot by the Capitol Police, the Acts of Impeachment were whistling their way through Congress, and a certain admiral decried by the former President as a hick was willing to right the ship of state.
  • For an unelected military leader, Carter is surprisingly well-remembered. The Camarata Commission, intended as a successor to Humphrey's union-busting-sorry-I-mean-corruption-busting efforts, ended up as a widely popular expose of graft and authoritarianism across society. The Regulars' various paramilitaries--the White Hunters, the Third Klan, the Southern Citizen's Councils--tried to go to war with the government, and were crushed as hard as possible. Most importantly of all, Carter let Congress and the Senate lead as much as possible, restricting his role to occasional televised speeches and deadlock-breaking, and has spent his retirement in utter obscurity on a Baptist mission in the Mekong Delta, where it is rumoured he shoots anyone who mentions the word "re-election".
  • Mondale ends up dialling down the war against the militias because it's costing a lot of money that he wants to spend on social programs. This comes back to bite him so quickly it's actually kind of funny.
  • Luckily, 1) the government put in a few safeguards after the last candidate connected to paramilitaries got in, and 2) Paul is reasonably pro-democracy because he associates vote-rigging with the Teamsters. This is all kind of a moot point anyway, since his administration is basically an endless loop of "I'm going to defund X public service" => Congress says no => "I'm going to use executive power to do it anyway" => AFL threaten public action while the CIO get started on the public action to save time => "Joke's on them I was only pretending". At least he got some peoples' tax bills down.
  • The American right are, obviously, disillusioned with this whole thing, and mostly start to drift away from the small-government project. What America needs is someone who's willing not to shred government, but to use it as a club against those people. A state that provides support for American enterprise, instead of letting free trade send industry to India. Strong leadership, an independent foreign policy, and...hey, remember that last guy? Y'know, apart from the coup thing, he wasn't so bad...
  • The date is the 12th of March, 1990. A tech magnate, invited onto a popular talkshow to debate some student radical as token opposition, decides to pop off about an out-of-date system of government designed for the horse-and-cart era, and what he calls the "disorder consensus". He brings the house down, and Spirit of '76 have found their strongman.
  • "Yee haw, ah'm Ross Perot and ah am gonna build me some fucking massive Texas-sized dams and get into a trade war with the EU because mah advisors think they're sellin' drugs on the orders o'Windsor! Ah won re-election too, 'cus it turns out balanced budget amendments actually work if ya raise taxes at the same time ahnd people like the time ah used watah cannons on those there damm protestors! YIPPIE KAI YAY!". This animated satirical video on the Perot years bears the distinction of being the first video to be officially removed from the publicnet, due to its use of copyrighted country music in the background. Many civil libertarians are thus forced to ignore how crap it is.
  • Gore wasn't really expecting to win, but Perot would be the first third-term president since Thomas and one from a party still linked to that coup, and Taliaferro craps the bed on the debate stage by refusing to say that the New African Legion's coup in Liberia was bad.
  • Unfortunately for Gore, now that Spirit had stolen "capitalism for some, minature health benefit plans for others" and the People's Dems had stolen "we should do civil liberties somewhat", the only real thing the Liberals have going for them is a vague sense of an internationalist foreign policy and having shinier teeth than the other candidates.
  • After nearly a century of Keynsianist development, the environmental movement former Governor of Connecticut Nader represents (with backing from the new president of the CIO, K. G. Silkwood) have a lot on their plates to get through. Despite the predictions of plenty of analysts, though, people actually like having breathable air even if they work in a coal mine, and it turns out they like having social programs with funding even more. It also helps when the main opposition party is a personality cult for a guy who no longer hangs out with them.
  • Due to his own weird personal convictions on the matter, Nader declined to run for a second term. Instead, he endorsed his own attorney general...who happened to be running in the Liberal primary due to technically still being a member of that party. A bunch of confused cross-endorsements and an abortive 5-minute campaign by Larry Agran later, and Obama was running in both primaries, on a platform that synthesized bits from both. Well, mostly from the People's Dems. Actually, pretty much all from the People's Dems, minus a trade deal with India and a peacekeeping intervention in the Yucatan. For a lot of people, the Liberals looked totally finished as a party.
  • If Obama had sought a second term, they probably would have been. Instead, on the basis that he was basically Nader's second term anyway, he decided not to run a second time, allowing for their salvation in [checks notes] a weird property developer who likes organising earth festivals. Yeah. It didn't help that Mormons were usually Liberal voters.
  • The most consequential decision of Anderson's presidency was technically made by his predecessor in office--Justice Obama handed down the Supreme Court majority decision that denying gender-affirming treatment on NHI was contrary to the right to healthcare. The subsequent inflammation on the right would go on to define the next few years...
  • Speaking of the right, the Spirit of '76 had just come to a startling revalation. Instead of running weird economists obsessed with sale taxes, or cranky trade unionists trying to shadowbox the President before him, why not, instead, choose an actual politician with experience in winning elections? This was truly the kind of out-of-the-box thinking Perot would approve of.
  • Traditionally, Maryland was a left-leaning state, with little look-in for politicians right of the Liberals. Which is what made it all the more remarkable when its Spirit of '76 governer won re-election. Still, he was the favourite to win. An inspiring story of coming to America as a babe in arms fleeing ethnic violence, a GDP-boosting economic policy of technologial investment and flashy skyscrapers, kicking the heroin trade out of Baltimore...who cares about the courting of Soviet investors, the odd rallies, the alleged voter surpression? Paul Kagame is an all-American success story. Well, he will be, once he gets the highest success of them all--the Presidency.
  • (yeah, so they got rid of the native-born requirements for Shipstead. See! That bit was necessary!)
  • Kagame's complex legacy will be debated by historians to come. On the one hand, creeping authoritarianism as the police are used against political opponents, the expensive boondoggle that was the Bering Friendship Bridge, a complete 180-degree turn on the environment, putting Pat Casey in charge of public health, and that journalist from the Washington Times who turned up without his head. On the other hand, nation-wide fibre-optic broadband goes brrrr
  • After a decade and a half of soul-searching, noted funnyman of the Camarata Commission J.R. Biden is here to tell you what the Liberals stand for. They're the party of smallness, sticking up for smallholders and entrepeneurs against Big Capital and Big Labor. They're the party of global thinking, seeking to build mutually supportive links with countries across the world rather than making dogmatically realist power plays or hiding away in a shell. Most importantly in this context, they're the party of running a white candidate.
CODA:
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gentleman biaggi said:
YOU WATCH THE HOOD (bill clinton) ILL WATCH THE SKIES (george fitzhugh)
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actually fitzhugh would’ve broken with clinton over cutting welfare; disregard
Walpurgisnacht said:
I put way too much effort into listing biaggi's comedic vote choices to be comfortable just leaving it, but at the same time not enough to justify putting it on the list thread. Enjoy this illegitimate brainchild.
Click to expand...
this is so real
 
1969-1973: Richard Nixon / Spiro Agnew (Republican)
1968 def. [OTL]
1972 def. Hubert Humphrey / George Wallace (Democratic), Eugene McCarthy / Ralph Nader (N.E.W.)
1973: Spiro Agnew resigns over investigation of corruption.
1973-1975: Richard Nixon / Ed Brooke (Republican)
1973: Richard Nixon selects black senator Ed Brooke as his vice president; later describes choice as “nuclear option” to avoid impeachment over Watergate Scandal due to southern refusal to have a black man president.
1974: First impeachment of Richard Nixon succeeds in house, fails in senate by one vote. “White House tapes” later show this is when Nixon decides to “go nuclear”.
1974: Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) dies in drunk driving incident; his wife Joan is the driver.
1974: George Bush Jr., son of fmr. representative George Bush Sr. and grandson of fmr. senator Prescott Bush dies of alleged cocaine overdose (later found to be poisoned by fentanyl as part of Nixon’s “war against the eastern establishment”).
1974: Democrats and in particular liberal Democrats, sweep midterm, winning all but 4 senate seats in the class.
1974: Investigations begin connecting Nixon’s “plumbers” to death of staffer working on Ramsey Clark’s senate campaign.
1975: Facing certain removal, president Nixon kills himself on national television.
1975-1975: Ed Brooke / vacant (Republican)
1975-1977: Ed Brooke / Carl Sanders (Republican / Democratic)
1975: Freshman senator Evan Mecham attempts to remove president Brooke from office by alleging him of infidelity; although there is no evidence of this, the nationally notable racial smear campaign leads to Mecham being seen as a hero of the New Right.
1975: Amidst massive distrust for the government, several oversight commissions are formed.
1975: The Virginia Squires become the first publicly-owned American sports team when they are purchased by the Virginia state government, led by Henry Howell.
1976: Despite being relatively popular, president Brooke declares he will not stand for re-election.
1977-1978: Frank Church / Lloyd Bentsen (Democratic)
1976 def. Nelson Rockefeller / James Buckley (Republican), Evan Mecham / James Maher (American)
1977: President Church moves to abolish the CIA
1977: The Humphrey-Hawkins Act guarantees full employment in the United States.
1978: Chinese premier Deng Xiaoping is assassinated by a KKK member in the United States. The resulting response nearly causes "WWIII" between the United States and China, but cooler heads prevail.
1978: "Churchcare" provides United States with Universal Healthcare plan
1978: Amidst oil crisis, president Church proposes nationalization of oil.
1978: President Church assassinated by John Hinckley Jr.
 
Luke_Starkiller said:
"Nixon tapping Brooke for VP because he thinks that Southern Dems would prefer a crook to a black guy" is my favorite idea ever
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#REALPOLITIK

also ittl nixon probably challenges the senate southern dems more in '72 (trying to destablize wallace's popularity) so they feel more pressure to maintain that white conservative bloc
 
Walpurgisnacht said:
At least Church can die happy knowing that assuming CIA involvement with a presidential assassination is a mainstream position.
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Gonna nerd out here but that's already a thing with John Hinckley Jr., if you look into it.

www.cbsnews.com

Author Roger Stone's Latest Conspiracy Theory: George H.W. Bush Behind Reagan Assassination Attempt

Author Roger Stone alleges George H.W. Bush was behind the assassination attempt of Ronald Reagan.
www.cbsnews.com www.cbsnews.com

The Hinckley family were not only regular campaign contributors to Bush Snr., but Scott Hinckley, his older brother, was due to have dinner with Neil Bush on the day of the shooting, because they were friends since meeting at a party one year before. When he found out Scott's bro shot the President and his dad's boss, Neil cancelled. But people still use it as evidence that the mentally unstable younger brother was used by H.W., who was the former CIA director, to do a soft coup.
 
Blackentheborg said:
Gonna nerd out here but that's already a thing with John Hinckley Jr., if you look into it.

www.cbsnews.com

Author Roger Stone's Latest Conspiracy Theory: George H.W. Bush Behind Reagan Assassination Attempt

Author Roger Stone alleges George H.W. Bush was behind the assassination attempt of Ronald Reagan.
www.cbsnews.com www.cbsnews.com

The Hinckley family were not only regular campaign contributors to Bush Snr., but Scott Hinckley, his older brother, was due to have dinner with Neil Bush on the day of the shooting, because they were friends since meeting at a party one year before. When he found out Scott's bro shot the President and his dad's boss, Neil cancelled. But people still use it as evidence that the mentally unstable younger brother was used by H.W., who was the former CIA director, to do a soft coup.
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I love the conspiracy theories around Bush because if they were true you have this guy who’s killing and ruining presidencies for 2 decades to get into the oval office, only to lose it after four years due to crackers named Ross and Pat.
 
Catalunya said:
I love the conspiracy theories around Bush because if they were true you have this guy who’s killing and ruining presidencies for 2 decades to get into the oval office, only to lose it after four years due to crackers named Ross and Pat.
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it is really funny because if u believe the logical narrative of it, that Bush had been a long time CIA asset before ever being appointed director, that means that Bush likely had his hand in some of the largest and most consequential assassinations, coups, and plots across the world, only to get outdone by literal hillbilly Bill Clinton.
 
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