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Spud's Stuff

The United States of Fredonia
The United States of Fredonia - 1870 A.D.

Ever since its inception, the United States of America has been divided between two forces, the abolitionist North and the slave-driving South. Washington, Jefferson, Jackson, and more, in spite of their lip service proclaiming that "all men are created equal", have held the American nation back with their backwards institution and economic motivations. The time has come for us to forge our own path, free of bondage, free of Southern influence.
By 1856, all attempts at compromise had failed. Though the Missouri Compromise had attempted to hold back the tide of chattel bondage from expanding, the Kansas-Nebraska Act pioneered by Stephen A. Douglas had allowed the forces of political power to admit Kansas as a slave state under the Lecompton Constitution, north of the Missouri Compromise line and in spite of the will of the people of Kansas.
Soon, the historic ruling of Dredd Scott vs. Sanford would reach the Supreme Court, further stripping all meaning from the words of the Constitution. Although he had made it to freedom, Dredd Scott and all other black men and women were denied citizenship due to the color of their skin.
The presidential election of 1860 would prove to be the final straw which would break the back of the American nation. Thanks to the wretched coalition of Northern and Southern Democrats alike against the divided Constitutional Union and Republican Parties, the new pro-slavery president, John C. Breckenridge, would take office in early 1861 as leader of a nation in its dying spasms. Soon afterwards, thanks to his packing of the Supreme Court with pro-slavery justices, the case of Lemmon vs. New York would rule that slaves could be transported through ostensibly free states, alienating the free North for the final time.
On 8 February, 1861 the state of New York would officially secede from the corrupt and wretched league of the United States of America, soon followed by 15 other states all the way from Maine to Iowa. By the end of May the United States of Fredonia had officially come to be, abolishing the evil of slavery once and for all in her constitution. The reign of Southern tyranny over the free states of the North had ended.
Though brief, abortive attempts to reunify the nation were made by General Robert E. Lee in what came to be known as the War of Secession, by March of 1862 he had been soundly defeated by General John Brown at the Battle of Wheeling, and the United States of America had officially recognized the United States of Fredonia as an independent nation under President Thomas W. Higginson at the Treaty of Baltimore.
Nine years after independence, the Fredonian cause remains stronger than ever. Thanks to British investment in Fredonian industry and railroads, westward expansion and the admission of the former Unorganized Territory into the state of Minnesota, and the decline of Southern influence on the world stage, Fredonia has become the greatest economic power in the Western Hemisphere. Though the nation is politically divided between the eastern Republican Party, who seek to distance from American matters, and the western Free-Soil Party, who seek to continue the fight against the South and liberate the remaining "free" states of the West, all agree that the future is bright for all Northern men, black or white, away from the chains of the USA.


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The Island of California
The Island of California

Ever since its discovery and exploration by Europeans in the late 16th century, the island of California has enamored and stumped scientists from around the globe. Thought to have been cut by a massive ice dam in the modern Sea of Ulloa and glacial flooding at the end of the last ice age, the huge cliffs of the Californian east coast remain a scientific mystery in their sheer height and stature. The gap between the two landmasses, in both distance and height, has also proved a boon to native flora and fauna. Since these ledges prevent direct transit between the mainland and California via the Strait of Nevada, humans were prevented from accessing the island for several thousand years. Species such as ground sloths, mammoths, wild horses, camelids, short-faced bears, cuesta sea cows, various big cats, joshua trees, and the elusive teratorn that previously died out in mainland America were spared on this forgotten island. Although Thomas Jefferson wouldn't live to see it, the creatures of the Pleistocene have today been preserved in California's national park system. Having gained its independence from Mexico after the Mexican-American War, the Republic of California is today a close ally of the United States, as a member of both NATO and NAFTA, and has leased several Pacific military bases to the Americans since their joint operations in the Pacific War. Ties to Mexico remain strong too though, as they share a common cultural heritage and language into the present day, and many Mexicans who left Sonora after the American annexation and later during the California Gold Rush still keep in contact with their Mexican relatives. Today, the island sits at a population of approximately 25 million, mostly in the central and southern regions near Sonora and around Los Angeles.

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United States Presidential Elections, 1860-1880 (Standing at the Crossroads):
United States Presidential Elections, 1860-1880 (Standing at the Crossroads):

-

1860:

Abraham Lincoln (Republican) - Hannibal Hamlin (Republican)
180 electoral votes

John C. Breckinridge (Southern Democratic) - Joseph Lane (Southern Democratic)
72 electoral votes

John Bell (Constitutional Union) - Edward Everett (Constitutional Union)
39 electoral votes

Stephen A. Douglas (Democratic) - Herschel V. Johnson (Democratic)
12 electoral votes


newerusamap 1860.png

-

1864:

Abraham Lincoln (National Union, incumbent) - Andrew Johnson (National Union - Democratic alliance)
215 electoral votes
(+17 invalidated)

George B. McClellan (Democratic) - George H. Pendleton (Democratic)
18 electoral votes


newerusamap 1864.png

-

1868:

Salmon P. Chase (Republican) - John A. Logan (Republican)
223 electoral votes


George H. Pendleton (Democratic) - Francis P. Blair (Democratic)
21 electoral votes


newerusamap 1868.png

-

1872:

Salmon P. Chase (Republican, incumbent) - John A. Logan (Republican, incumbent)
199 electoral votes


Charles F. Adams (Liberal Republican) - Benjamin G. Brown (Liberal Republican)
51 electoral votes

Jeremiah S. Black (Democratic) - John W. Stevenson (Democratic)
28 electoral votes


newerusamap 1872.png

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1876:

Nathaniel P. Banks (Liberal Republican - Democratic alliance) - Winfield S. Hancock (Democratic)
160 electoral votes


John A. Logan (Republican, incumbent) - William A. Wheeler (Republican)
123 electoral votes


newerusamap 1876.png

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1880:

Frederick Douglass (Republican) - James B. Weaver (Republican - Greenback alliance)
185 electoral votes


Nathaniel P. Banks (Liberal Republican - Democratic alliance, incumbent) - Winfield S. Hancock (Democratic, incumbent)
157 electoral votes


newerusamap 1880.png
 
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I'm guessing South Carolina is both majority black and majority ruled in this scenario?
Correct, although the states (well, districts until the Douglass administration) with the largest black populations here are Libertalia, Ouachita, and Lincoln (before statehood Special District One, Special District Two, and Special District Three), as these states comprise the former military districts governed by the reintegrated anti-Confederate slave revolts of the Civil War in this timeline. South Carolina and Georgia also have very high black populations here, as the former Gullah slave revolt of this timeline's Civil War still holds considerable sway over District Two of the Union occupation of the South. The South in general also has a considerably higher rural and minority population on account of the lack of a Great Migration, as well as other factors which I will get into later leading to a significantly reduced level of rural-to-city migration here, most pronounced in the South but present across the country.
 
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Republic of the San Juan Islands
Thanks to @IcyCaspian for urban planning and design help.

Welcome to the San Juan Islands - it's always Friday here!

[Intercom static]

Hello there, and welcome aboard the Juan de Fuca, Opal Star Cruise Line's flagship ferry. As we depart from the lovely shores of Vancouver we will welcome you all as esteemed guests to our nation's capital, Friday Harbor, in approximately four hours. In the meantime I'll be your guide, Cathy, and show you around the beautiful sights of the Strait of Georgia while we give you a rundown of our nation's history.

Our fair Republic of the San Juan Islands originates in a boundary dispute between the United States and Canada due to vague wording in the Oregon Treaty of 1846, which divided the Oregon Country between what is today British Columbia and the American states of Washington, Oregon, and Idaho. The treaty stipulated that the border would run through the Strait of Georgia and Strait of Juan de Fuca in order for all of Vancouver Island to remain Canadian, but left the route around the San Juan Islands vague.

By 1859, both nations claimed our home islands, insisting that the other was infringing on its sovereignty by settling there. The Canadian authorities claimed that the Americans were squatting on their rightful islands, while the Americans claimed that the islands were legally theirs. As any of you would know, calling a Canadian an American isn't something taken kindly...

[Murmured audience laughter]

...And the local authorities responded as such. When Lyman Cutler, an American farmer who had moved to the islands under the assumption they were American, shot a pig owned by Charles Griffin, an Irish farmer employed by the Hudson's Bay Company, the Canadian government threatened to arrest him. In response, the Americans sent a division of cavalry under Captain George Pickett to set up camp at the south end of San Juan Island, while the British authorities in Canada sent a fleet of three warships under Captain Geoffrey Hornby to set up camp at the north end. Today these camps form two of our nation's proud network of national parks, English Camp National Park and American Camp National Park, which you can visit at any time during your stay in our nation in order to learn more about its rich history.

By the time news of the situation reached D.C. and London the situation had escalated even further, the Americans having sent 14 cannons and the British having sent 2 more ships to the islands. Both nations' leaderships, finding out that they had nearly gone to war over a piece of pork, were horrified and began negotiations immediately. U.S. President James Buchanan sent General Winfield Scott to negotiate with Governor James Douglas of British Columbia towards a resolution to the dispute, and both agreed to withdraw all but 100 troops from our islands under a joint occupation, which was to stay in force until the argument could be resolved.

For the next twelve years this situation would continue as the new normal on the islands, with the English Camp and American Camp becoming hubs of local activity, and what were once men on the brink of war became brothers-in-arms. It's said that the greatest threat to peace on San Juan during this period was the abundance of alcohol in the two camps. If you want to relive this golden age in San Juan history, or just create some history of your own, then you can find food, fun, and fraternity at any of our local Fridayville Casinos, which accept all San Juan, Canadian, and American legal ID and currency. Our local dispensaries are also good for their own sort of "joint occupation" for those interested.

[More murmured audience laughter]

In 1871, following the formation of your native Canada as a British Dominion, the United States and United Kingdom signed the Treaty of Washington, finally resolving the border between the two nations. In order to resolve the dispute over our home islands impartially, Kaiser Wilhelm I of Germany was given power to resolve the dispute. After over a year of deliberation, he and a three-man arbitration commission would come to the conclusion that, as the original treaty never specified the nautical boundary, both nations had equal rights to San Juan, and recommended that citizens of both nations should be allowed to live on the islands and all military personnel should be removed indefinitely.

For the next forty-two years San Juan would operate under the honor system, with neither American or Canadian military personnel on the islands, and with an informal local assembly at what is today the Capitol Building resolving disputes between what was at that time only around 3,500 residents. It was also during this period that our republic's flag was designed in a local contest, with the winning flag, consisting of a lighthouse in white on a blue field, still in use today. You can see the original copy of our flag on display in the lobby at Fridayville Historic Casino in Friday Harbor at any time during your stay. In 1914...

...And if you look out the window to your right you can see our national animal, the orca! At up to eight meters long and capable of swimming at up to fifty-six kilometers per hour, orcas are some of the most majestic marine mammals on the planet. You won't find any Shamu show as spectacular as the wild whales of our national waters.

In 1914, following the outbreak of World War One, the local assembly of San Juan was formalized into the San Juan Islands Legislature, which unlike the U.S. or Canadian legislatures is unicameral, having only one house which selects our First Minister to lead it. The San Juan Islands Legislature still sits as the elected government of our republic today. Although no Fridayers would fight in the war, our legislature would issue a symbolic declaration of war against the German Empire on April 8, 1917, just two days after the United States, which would not be formally rescinded until 1991, as San Juan was not present at the Treaty of Versailles.

By 1920, having their own elected legislature, government offices, and citizenry, the people of the San Juan Islands desired a nation to call their own, and petitioned for formal independence to the governments of Canada and the United States. Seeing little use for our islands and seeking publicity for his presidential campaign, U.S. presidential candidate Warren G. Harding would promise to allow San Juan independence if elected to the presidency, which he would be sworn into the next year. On August 1, 1921, in accordance with a new revision to the Treaty of Washington signed by the governments of Canada and the United States, the Republic of the San Juan Islands attained formal independence as a sovereign nation. However, open borders with both nations would remain in effect, and to this day any citizen of the United States or Canada can stay in San Juan with proper ID.

During World War Two, San Juan would strongly support the Allies in their war effort following the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, once again declaring war only two days after the United States on December 10, 1941. We would send the tugboat Harding to fight in the Pacific War against Imperial Japan, serving in the Guadalcanal Campaign before returning home in 1945, and today it serves as part of the San Juan Islands War Museum. However, approximately one-hundred Japanese-Fridayer civilians would also be extradited to the United States and Canada and interned during the war, one of the most regrettable incidents in our history.

In 1958, seeing the success of Las Vegas as an entertainment hub and the immense wealth of the Las Vegas Strip, the San Juan Islands Legislature would narrowly vote to legalize gambling within our borders, and the bill would soon be signed into law by the First Minister. Friday Harbor would soon experience massive economic growth as casinos, most notably one of our sponsors, Fridayville Casinos, set up headquarters in Friday Harbor for aspiring winners from neighboring cities in the US and Canada to test their fortunes using our already lax border restrictions. By 1970 the population of our country had quintupled from 4,000 to 20,000. In 1972 our company, Opal Star Cruise Line, set up its headquarters in Roche Harbor, and today operates twenty-three ferries and cruise liners across the Pacific Northwest.

Today our nation, while proudly independent and home to over 30,000 citizens, welcomes its two sister nations with open arms, and as many as 60,000 people travel in and out of our borders for business or pleasure per day. We hope you enjoy your stay on our shores, and now I'll leave you all to take in the sights for the remainder of our trip. And remember our national motto: it's always Friday here!


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Tides of Change is Discontinued
AN ANNOUNCEMENT: Unfortunately, I feel that I most likely will formally discontinue any new content for Tides of Change, my 2050 future scenario, from this point on. It's been fun, albeit horrifying, to make, and I'm sure that a few of you are probably sad to hear this announcement. However, I have several reasons for this. Firstly, I feel that it's simply run its course and that I have little extra material to add, and that the main map is now in a fully complete state, and along with the several smaller graphics I've made to go with it I feel that the timeline is simply in a complete enough state to leave. The second reason is that, following the recent fall of Kabul to the Taliban and exile of the Afghan government, I would feel uncomfortable and insensitive continuing to make a future scenario which predicted a similar outcome before it happened, and I feel that if I were to continue Tides of Change then its relation to the very real plight of Afghan citizens living under the Taliban's rule of terror would become a sore thumb within the timeline, one which I do not wish to create. Thank you for understanding.
 
Progressive Southern Cultural Flag (v1)
Proposal for a progressive Southern cultural flag, designed to serve as a symbol of the Southern United States (within which I live) without the harmful or racist connotations of existing designs. Anyone who wishes to use this design for themselves is free to do so, as this is meant to serve as an alternative Southern cultural symbol to existing designs with hateful connotations for anyone who wishes to express this idea.

Symbolism: The yellow stripe represents the Upper South, the warm rays of the sun which define the region's weather, as well as the highlands and mountains of the region such as the Appalachians, Ozarks, and Ouachitas. The black stripe represents the Deep South, as well as the fertile prairies and lowlands of the region such as the Mississippi Valley and Texas Blackland Prairie. The blue stripe represents the maritime regions of the South, as well as the important coastlines, oceans, and waterways of the region such as the Mississippi River, Gulf of Mexico, and Atlantic Ocean. The red hoist represents the blood shed over the centuries in the fight for civil rights and equality within the South and across the entire United States. The white hibiscus, a common native flower in the South, represents the diverse people and culture of the region, the native flora and fauna, and Southern hospitality.

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Deseret Political Parties
Decided to start on an independent Deseret one-off election scenario with relatively little background lore for the purpose of messing around with national party systems for fun, so here are the parties I've come up with. The basic background is that the Mexican-American War somehow doesn't happen, perhaps due to a lack of Texan annexation by the United States under an anti-expansionist administration, then eventually the Mormons successfully rebel against Mexican central authority in the early 1880s, simultaneously with an anti-land reform rebellion by land owners in Alta California and a Diné rebellion against Mexican authorities which also lead to independent states at the same time, forming Deseret, officially known as the Kingdom of God. The Mormons by the point of their rebellion have been forced to officially abolish slavery by Mexican authorities, but the LDS church and Deseret government remains very racist, retaining features such as the idea that dark skin is the Mark of Cain and disallowing nonwhites in the ministry, and the practice of polygamy is retained as officially sanctioned LDS doctrine. The legislature is divided between the directly elected lower house, the Congress of Deseret, which selects the President of Deseret as head of government (with God himself remaining de jure head of state as King) and which this post will focus on; and the LDS church-selected upper house, the Council of Fifty. Eventually, after a series of mass protests and international pressure in the 1960s and 1970s, the Deseret political system is significantly reformed, the Council of Fifty is separated from the LDS church and begins to allow admission to certain non-Mormons once again, becoming somewhat similar to the United Kingdom's House of Lords, the Congress of Deseret is reformed from a first-past-the-post voting system to one of mixed-member proportional representation, the native Ute people are given a designated Representative within the Congress of Deseret, and official racial segregation within the church is ended, the latter reform leading to the creation of several fundamentalist splinter churches across the country in favor of continued racial segregation, including a sect lead by the infamous Warren Jeffs, who employs his brother, Lyle Jeffs, as leader of a rapidly declining but volatile political faction in Congress. So, without further adieu...

----

Political parties and party leaders in the Congress of Deseret, in order from greatest to least number of Representatives elected, 2018 Deseret Congressional Election:

People's Party
Leader: Mitt Romney
Positions:
  • Center-right to right-wing
  • Mormon democracy
  • Mormon religious interests
  • Social conservatism
  • Pro-welfare
Conservative Party
Leader: Jon Huntsman Jr.
Positions:
  • Center-right
  • Secularism
  • Religious reformism
  • Economic conservatism
  • Small government
Labor Party
Leader: Rory Reid
Positions:
  • Center to center-left
  • Secularism
  • Social liberalism
  • Economic liberalism
  • Pro-welfare
Liberal Party
Leader: Pat Hickey
Positions:
  • Center-left to center-right
  • Big-tent
  • Secularism
  • Non-Mormon religious interests
Deseret Party
Leader: Mike Lee
Positions:
  • Right-wing to far-right
  • Social conservatism
  • Deseret nationalism
  • Right-wing populism
Green Party
Leader: Erin Mendenhall
Positions:
  • Center-left to left-wing
  • Environmentalism
  • Green politics
  • Social liberalism
  • Social democracy
Integrity Party
Leader: Evan McMullin
Positions:
  • Center-left to center-right
  • Secularism
  • Political reformism
  • Anti-corruption
Human Rights Party
Leader: Lyle Jeffs
Positions:
  • Far-right
  • Mormon fundamentalism
  • Mormon splinter religious interests
  • Anti-racial integration
Representative of the Ute°
Leader: Luke Duncan
Positions:
  • Native American interests
°The Representative of the Ute is not a political party, but a legislative office within the Congress of Deseret which functions as an independent Representative designated to represent the Ute people, selected by Ute tribal elders.
 
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Oh this is so fun, is polygamy ever banned? Without the pressure from the Federal Government, and with all the countries OTL who keep practicing it without sanctions. Which, if so would make sense, that the main LDS splinter moment would be with the reversal of the priesthood ban and not with the end of polygamy, if (living) polygamy never ended.
 
SpongeBob Reviews (Season 1)
This isn't related to alternate history in any way but I desire validation so I'm posting it here. I'm rewatching and reviewing every season 1-3 episode of SpongeBob SquarePants in a single sentence each, then rating them on a scale of 1-5. Join me for some nautical nonsense if it be something you wish.

SEASON ONE

S1/E1a (Help Wanted):

Does a great job of introducing the main characters, very interesting to see the early Nicktoons' influence on the art style before it solidified more, love that Squidward's first ever appearance was the loser graffiti scene.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E1b (Reef Blower):
Very impressive that they did so good with entirely visual gags on only the second episode, genuinely really funny, probably more than was even necessary for the bumper episode to the pilot.
Rating: 5/5

S1/E1c (Tea at the Treedome):
Does a good job of introducing Sandy's character, is also the first time we interact with Patrick significantly (which it also does well), and is making me realize that visual gags and imagery are definitely this show's strong suit.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E2a (Bubblestand):
Continues to show the show's talent for visual gags with the bubbles, but also seems to start showing some of its better dialogue comedy now that we're a few episodes in.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E2b (Ripped Pants):
Gonna give a hot take and say that the montage of SpongeBob ripping his pants over and over is actually kind of hard to watch, not their best gag, but the musical number makes up for it somewhat.
Rating: 3/5

S1/E3a (Jellyfishing):
Once again showcases great visual comedy, is clearly the archetype for later Squidward torture episodes, but makes it clear he kind of deserves it and isn't overly grotesque, also giving SpongeBob and Patrick some just desserts for it as well.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E3b (Plankton!):
Introduces the last of the main cast, Plankton, and does a great job of showcasing his character as an evil but slightly bumbling villain, largely via good dialogue and jokes.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E4a (Naughty Nautical Neighbors):
A generally funny, well-rounded episode with the works, but I can't really think of much specific to say about it, it's a bog standard SpongeBob episode.
Rating: 3/5

S1/E4b (Boating School):
Now that we're a ways in we're starting to introduce the secondary characters like Mrs. Puff, and this episode does a good job at illustrating the more real, topical to everyday life parts of the show using her character.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E5a (Pizza Delivery):
I absolutely love the episodes like this where the writers just throw out the plot entirely and go completely off the wall then let the comedy alone carry the episode, it always results in such strangely beautiful shenanigans.
Rating: 5/5

S1/E5b (Home Sweet Pineapple):
Yet another episode which leans heavily on great visual gags to fill its runtime, some good chuckles in the house building montage to be had.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E6a (Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy):
There are very few subjects harder to make funny than life in a retirement home, but this episode manages it with a strange combination of absurdity and depressing realism, as well as a dash of comic book humor.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E6b (Pickles):
This feels like if you mashed up The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly with that one painting of the melting clocks, and I absolutely love it as a strange little art piece.
Rating: 5/5

S1/E7a (Hall Monitor):
First real dud of the series in my opinion, it's just kind of a compilation of SpongeBob ruining everything in sight with some slight consolation from Patrick being funny, not their finest moment.
Rating: 2/5

S1/E7b (Jellyfish Jam):
HECK YEAH LITTLE MAN, JAM OUT, really good score for this episode in addition to good comedy and gags, manages to be a great musical episode without a clearly defined musical number.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E8a (Sandy's Rocket):
Another episode that just kind of consists of SpongeBob and Patrick ruining everything for the whole episode, albeit in a much funnier way than Hall Monitor went about it.
Rating: 3/5

S1/E8b (Squeaky Boots):
Strange little gremlin creature of an episode, not necessarily great but does pretty well with a premise that seems like it would be downright annoying at first, so I'll give credit where it's due.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E9a (Nature Pants):
Patrick in this episode is straight up scary as heck, and with the other side characters in general makes this episode enjoyable while SpongeBob just kind of buzzes around, overall pretty good.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E9b (Opposite Day):
Probably the best "SpongeBob ruins everything" episode so far, not just grating with some comedy but genuinely flows well and has great comedy, some of the best gags so far.
Rating: 5/5

S1/E10a (Culture Shock):
He has such a way with words...
Rating: 4/5

S1/E10b (F.U.N.):
One of the most iconic episodes for good reason, it's not only funny but genuinely has a heart to it, and it shows that even Plankton can have a soul, at least for a second or two anyway.
Rating: 5/5

S1/E11a (MuscleBob BuffPants):
Overall good episode, shows how toxic masculinity is stupid and how it backfires for SpongeBob, but not particularly exceptional, I can't think of much to say about it.
Rating: 3/5

S1/E11b (Squidward the Unfriendly Ghost):
Once again demonstrates the show's strong suit for visual comedy, as well as the writers' talent of being able to fill relatively thin plots with jokes to make them feel complete.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E12a (The Chaperone):
Manages to do a high school prom episode without being completely disingenuous and annoying, which for some stupid reason appears to be impossible for most cartoons.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E12b (Employee of the Month):
Another episode where the writers just throw out the plot entirely and go completely off the wall mental, utter lunacy, you love to see it.
Rating: 5/5

S1/E13a (Scaredy Pants):
Overall a well rounded Halloween episode, has good jokes and is also our first major introduction to the Flying Dutchman, who would probably be pretty scary to kids when this came out, although for some reason he acts like a therapist half the time.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E13b (I Was a Teenage Gary):
First definitively terrible episode in the series, just weird and full of gross-out and sadness, all the characters act like terrible people, it's very clearly a half-baked bumper to the Halloween special.
Rating: 1/5

S1/E14a (SB-129):
My favorite episode in the entire series, I legitimately believe this episode is not only funny but a masterpiece of modern art, an avant-garde exploration of modern pop cultural conceptions of the past and future which deserves to hang in a museum.
Rating: 5/5

S1/E14b (Karate Choppers):
Good episode showing Sandy and SpongeBob's friendship, lots of funny gags, especially live action Tom Kenny as a menacing drop of hot sauce.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E15a (Sleepy Time):
Nice little filler episode that doesn't have much substance but shows off some interesting concepts, the dreamscape idea definitely gave the artists some room to experiment and it shows in the quality of the animation and backgrounds.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E15b (Suds):
Patrick is uncharacteristically malicious in this episode, I dunno, maybe it's just current events that have done this but it's kind of hard to watch, but I'll bump it up a point for at least clearly opposing this sort of fake medical quackery.
Rating: 3/5

S1/E16a (Valentine's Day):
Once again with the Patrick being uncharacteristically malicious, the whole episode is just him being terrible to SpongeBob (and everyone else) over a mediocre gift to the point of downright cruelty.
Rating: 2/5

S1/E16b (The Paper):
One of the most critically underrated episodes in the show's history, likely due to its position as the rarely aired bumper to Valentine's Day, with some of the absolute best visual comedy in the entire series.
Rating: 5/5

S1/E17a (Arrgh!):
Mr. Krabs really did go bonkers over a board game in this one, overall pretty funny episode with some good gags, the Flying Dutchman himself's role was also pretty nice.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E17b (Rock Bottom):
Another episode which [PBBT], while it does [PBBT] have good [PBBT] writing and comedy [PBBT], is best exemplified [PBBT] as an opportunity [PBBT] for the animators and artists [PBBT] to show off their [PBBT] talent and creativity [PBBT].
Rating: 4/5

S1/E18a (Texas):
As a Texan myself, this episode absolutely nails the semi-arrogant but ultimately kindhearted spirit that makes me love this place as my home, and the fact that being a true Texan deep down is ultimately all about where your heart is.
Rating: 5/5

S1/E18b (Walking Small):
SpongeBob really did go from zero to fifty on the assertiveness scale in a few seconds here, overall a pretty good episode with good jokes, but the tone shifts are pretty jarring.
Rating: 3/5

S1/E19a (Fools in April):
I've heard this one called bad because of how weirdly cruel Squidward is, but like, that's the point of the episode, he's a massive jerk to SpongeBob and then gets what he deserves for it, it's not great but it works.
Rating: 3/5

S1/E19b (Neptune's Spatula):
Really nails down King Neptune's personality as a powerful but petty and cruel absolute monarch, his appearance may change in the movie but he's definitely written as a consistent character between both versions.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E20a (Hooky):
Jesus CHRIST this one is dark, literally the whole episode revolves around SpongeBob trying not to get caught and eaten by fishermen, it's got its laughs and the works but it's all underscored by the fact that the entire plot revolves around imminent death.
Rating: 4/5

S1/E20b (Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy II):
Good way to cap off the season, our superheroes really do feel like doting grandparents here, and SpongeBob actually manages to do some good in the end after all the trouble he causes them.
Rating: 4/5
 
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"Two-Speed Europe" in 2050
"Two-Speed Europe" in 2050

A strange gremlin of a scenario I decided to create, with the general idea of a more "realistic" take on the European Federation trope of many future timelines (which I have admittedly fallen into before). As time has gone on and a movement for a closer union has unexpectedly blossomed across the politics of Western Europe, the resulting near-decade of negotiations on the creation of a unified European superstate throughout the 2040s has resulted in what can only be described as a bureaucratic mess, a bottomless well of asterisks which ultimately hasn't reached its true aim. As a large number of European states, particularly those more reluctant accessions across the eastern portion of the continent, have refused to join this new political creation, a great compromise has descended across the continent, resulting in what is commonly known as "two-speed Europe", allowing hesitant nations in the East to retain the status quo while the larger, more eager nations of the West have formed their own parallel, intertwined federation within the European Union. This political non-sequitur can only be described as a bureaucratic mess, a bottomless well of gubernatorial asterisks and legalese jargon which accommodates every reluctant voice on a continent of half a billion souls, a dream once held of a federation of men turned into a nightmare of loopholes and exceptions.

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SpongeBob Reviews (Season 2)
Note as we move into the second season: the episode number doesn't reset each season, it's just what number the episode in the series. Kind of weird but that's how the wiki does it and I can't be bothered to mess with it.

SEASON TWO

S2/E21a (Your Shoe's Untied):

I think I'm finally confident enough to confess this: I legitimately did not know how to tie my shoes until I was 14, and the song in this episode finally helped me learn, so I'd say it does its job.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E21b (Squid's Day Off):
Squidward just goes completely off the wall, utterly loses it, and then goes bonkers, it's strange but also really funny to just watch him just go completely insane over absolutely nothing whatsoever.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E22a (Something Smells):
I initially thought this one would be kind of gross, and I mean, it is, but it uses the plot well, has good jokes, and isn't overly grotesque about it, better than I expected.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E22b (Bossy Boots):
Gonna be real, this one is pretty grating, it's not unwatchable but it just isn't that enjoyable, the whole Kuddly Krab gag gets annoying after about a minute, although it's nice to see Mr. Krabs have a heart for once.
Rating: 2/5

S2/E23a (Big Pink Loser):
Another one where they just go mental and let the comedy carry it, watching Patrick as SpongeBob was strange and intriguing, as was him actually getting a job.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E23b (Bubble Buddy):
SpongeBob straight up counterfeits a $100 bill, commits manslaughter via drowning, and incites an attempted mob killing with a bubble in this one, it's funny but it's a pretty dark plot.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E24a (Dying for Pie):
Did the writers just have a thing about making incredibly dark yet incredibly well-written episodes around this time? Some of the best character interaction I've seen, and shows just how much of a heart Squidward really has when it comes down to it.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E24b (Imitation Krabs):
Starting to get the impression that what off the wall crazy episodes were to season one is about what dark but funny concept episodes are to season two, they really are on a roll with these.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E25a (Wormy):
Another episode where SpongeBob incites mass hysteria over absolutely nothing, kind of an interesting combination of the "character goes insane over nothing" and "dark concept written to be funny" plots we've seen often so far.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E25b (Patty Hype):
Very similar energy to The Paper, only with Mr. Krabs instead of Squidward, the visual gags in this one are once again quite a sight, and seeing SpongeBob start his own rival restaurant is definitely an interesting premise.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E26a (Grandma's Kisses):
Eh, I'll give it a point for a good message but it's just incredibly heavy-handed about it, definitely see some of the "SpongeBob cries too much" criticism having merit here, although I guess that's kind of the point of the episode.
Rating: 2/5

S2/E26b (Squidville):
You could go on for eons about the in-universe implications of there being a gated octopus-only neighborhood in Bikini Bottom, but all you really need to know is that you get to watch Squidward go bonkers about nothing again.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E27a (Prehibernation Week):
A generally well-rounded episode, although Sandy's bit does get a bit grating after a while, but generally not particularly great or terrible, although the Pantera music was cool.
Rating: 3/5

S2/E27b (Life of Crime):
SpongeBob and Patrick kind of do push the boundaries of stupid here, but the comedy generally makes up for it and it's a fun episode.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E28 (Christmas Who?):
Absolutely lovely Christmas special, just gives you that perfect warm fuzzy holiday feeling, as well as introducing Patchy the Pirate and once again showing how Squidward really does have a heart down there.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E29a (Survival of the Idiots):
I mean, it has good comedy, it's funny, but SpongeBob and Patrick are once again just strangely malicious, they've brought everything that happens in the episode on themselves.
Rating: 3/5

S2/E29b (Dumped):
The little-remembered prototype of the later seasons' Gary Come Home, strangely good at tugging at your heartstrings, and also shows a strangely smart and reasonable, albeit condescending, side of Patrick.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E30a (No Free Rides):
Mrs. Puff once again showing off her painfully accurate character as a teacher who's just completely done with everything, as well as featuring some good visual jokes during the boatjacking sequence.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E30b (I'm Your Biggest Fanatic):
Another generally well-rounded episode, but I can definitely see why they never brought back Kevin as a side character, he was pretty one-dimensional and the stinging sequences were kind of grotesque.
Rating: 3/5

S2/E31a (Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy III):
Our first introduction to Man Ray, a strangely relatable and sympathetic character for a supervillain, and we once again see SpongeBob actually hold his own against a supervillain.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E31b (Squirrel Jokes):
Breaking news: brainless invertebrate from twenty years ago figures out that hating minorities isn't comedy before 90% of Netflix [COUGH COUGH HACK WHEEZE].
Rating: 5/5

S2/E32a (Pressure):
I feel like they definitely came up with the live action puppet gag first and then wrote the rest of the episode to justify it, and I'm entirely in favor of that.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E32b (The Smoking Peanut):
This one is just... strange, the entire episode is just a compilation of SpongeBob feeling terrible about upsetting the oyster while everyone interrogates him before it turns out he didn't even do anything, it's honestly cringe-worthy.
Rating: 1/5

S2/E33a (Shanghaied):
I can't put my finger on why, but this episode has a very different tone from most, overall really good though, very heavy on live action gags like Patchy's segment and the perfume department bit.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E33b (Gary Takes a Bath):
Funny little filler episode, not much to it but it uses a simple concept to create some funny jokes, which I suppose is all you can really ask of a cartoon.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E34a (Welcome to the Chum Bucket):
Another one with a novel concept and good writing, but which was definitely an opportunity for the artists to show off their moxie, the gadgets and doodads all over the Chum Bucket really showed some interesting design.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E34b (Frankendoodle):
Another one of the most iconic episodes for very good reason, it's pretty much what every bored middle schooler in history has dreamed up in their notebook only brought to life on screen, which considering the target audience is pretty fitting.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E35a (The Secret Box):
Another good one which fits the archetype of using excellent comedy to fill a seemingly thin plot, loved the various gags throughout the episode, especially the one with Squidward's house.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E35b (Band Geeks):
There is absolutely nothing I could say about this episode that hasn't already been said, you know it, you love it, it's Band Geeks.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E36a (The Graveyard Shift):
Another strange little filler episode, thin plot but great visual comedy, lots of weirdly creepy yet funny stuff in it.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E36b (Krusty Love):
Another pretty alright one, some good comedy near the beginning and end with the weird speech gag, but two-faced Mr. Krabs gets a bit old in the middle of the episode.
Rating: 3/5

S2/E37a (Procrastination):
An utterly surreal yet painfully accurate depiction of procrastinating on homework, to the point that I'm now legitimately feeling self conscious about some assignments I need to do.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E37b (I'm with Stupid):
I really tried to keep an open mind about this one in spite of all the criticism I've heard, but yeah, it sucks, everyone in the episode acts terrible to each other and it's just so incredibly forced.
Rating: 1/5

S2/E38a (Sailor Mouth):
How the [SEAL] did this get past the censors? In any case it's [DOLPHIN] hilarious, amazingly funny episode that probably went over most kids' heads.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E38b (Artist Unknown):
This one would be a five if not for the bit at the beginning where Squidward just crushes SpongeBob's dreams, but the rest is hilarious.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E39a (Jellyfish Hunter):
Another interesting one, strangely relevant commentary on factory farming and/or unregulated capitalism, overall also pretty funny and enjoyable.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E39b (The Fry Cook Games):
One of the most creative episodes in terms of both art and dialogue, absolutely stunning comedy all around, genuinely great concept for an episode, absolutely love it.
Rating: 5/5

S2/E40a (Squid on Strike):
Yet another episode which you could analyze for an eternity surrounding its in-lore implications about the history of the labor movement in Bikini Bottom, but all you need to know is that Squidward goes mental again.
Rating: 4/5

S2/E40b (Sandy, SpongeBob, and the Worm):
Dune (2021).
Rating: 4/5
 
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