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Kimkatya's Kalamitous Kavern Kontaining Krap Kontent

1981-1989: The Giant Rabbit That Attacked Jimmy Carter (Republican)
1980 def. Jimmy Carter (Democratic)
1984 def. Walter Mondale (Democratic)

1989-1993: The Rat That George Bush Drowned In The White House Pool (Democratic)
1988 def. George Bush (Republican)
 
out of pms tenures, the most i know about probably goes like this:
1. Blair (early)
2. Thatcher
3. Wilson

thing is that i know nothing about the opposition in the 60's and 70's. while i could blindly stumble through in the case of Blair because the tories had a clear divide over europe, and while i'd love to make a "Wilsonpunk" list (which would honestly come to closest to actual cyberpunk), i legit have no idea what to do with the opposition
 
thing is that i know nothing about the opposition in the 60's and 70's. while i could blindly stumble through in the case of Blair because the tories had a clear divide over europe, and while i'd love to make a "Wilsonpunk" list (which would honestly come to closest to actual cyberpunk), i legit have no idea what to do with the opposition
You have the Monetarists versus One Nation types as well as Law and Order versus My We Shouldn’t Shot Tony Benn types.
@Time Enough
View attachment 36022
i'm so sorry

(I suppose the main difference is that you actually appreciate Gould's economic theory, while I despise most things Ken stands for.)
Well that and Bryan Gould ties with only Michael Meacher in ‘Post 81’ Left Wing Labour Leader that doesn’t immediately lead to AES or Roy Jenkins shitting himself’
 
"
"Never mistake the enthusiasm of the minority for the support of the majority." - Neil Kinnock

"Blair? Really? The boring fucker?" Louis dived back into their crisps, took out a couple, and threw them into their mouth.
"Clean, smartly dressed, very polite, he would have attracted the right kind of people." Zoe replied.
The room was dingy. A small poster on the wall declaring the one great achievement of the Southwest Wiltshire Labour Party, the massive council by-election scalp of 2015, from before Zoe got in. The single bulb with its manky lampshade cast yellow light around the room.

"Right." Louis said, balling up the now empty bag of crisps. "My idea is..." They sat and thought for a moment. "Hear me out here. Bryan Gould."
Zoe stared into the ceiling. "Bryan Gould... remind me?"
Louis sighed, as they were one to do when someone was wrong about something. "The Kiwi."
"Oh, the market socialist guy? Did he have enough charisma?"
"I don't know, I think he was funny. I read his memoirs."
"'Course you did." Zoe smirked. "Did you read any bloody fiction this year?"
Louis glanced sideways at Zoe. "I read the Alan Partridge book."
"Doesn't count."

A buzzing noise erupted across the room, barely overtaking the hum of the electric light overhead. Zoe breathed in, and answered her phone.
"Hi, Mary. No, we aren't busy."
Louis flapped their hands about rapidly from across the room at this admittance of guilt. Zoe shot daggers at him.
"Yes, I'm able to deliver leaflets. Are they in the cupboard?"
Louis put their head in their hands.
Zoe rolled her eyes. "No, the other cupboard. Yeah. I'll be there in a second. See you soon."

"You like Mary."
"Fuck off, are you twelve?"
"Mentally, yes."
Zoe once again shot daggers at the joint Disabilities Officer and Equalities Officer of the CLP.
"We were having a perfectly good time." Louis leaned back in their chair.
"Party calls, Louis."
"So does Mary."

Zoe got up, and grabbed the jacket draped against the back of her chair. "Come on, Louis. We're never going to win another seat on the council if we don't hold the one we have now. You know that Mary's in trouble, and she needs support."
"Counterpoint: It's raining."
"Please just do this, Louis."
"I'm fucking with you. I'm heading out too."
Louis lifted themselves off the chair. "Nothing I can do here alone, anyway."
Zoe grimaced. She didn't entirely believe them.


====
Not anything permanent, just an attempt to write... something. It's pretty hard to find pure rules of organisation of CLPs without diving into the Labour rulebook, so I mostly picked what actually goes on in them by osmosis. I probably got a ton wrong lmao. Characters are not permanent, and in traditional me style, I changed their genders multiple times over. If I make something serious out of this, I'll probably actually figure out a plot first, lol.
Zoe came to the door of a small, unassuming household, positioned at the top of a small street. Silton, despite it's clearly quite Tory nature, was at least a place where you could tell who you might be able to swing. The unfortunate thing was, of course, no one voted for council elections anyway. A brief knock, followed by a wait. It took about a minute for someone to come to the door, someone who was clearly a teenage boy. First thing Zoe noticed was the hair. She was no stranger to dyed hair, but his was a spectacular shade of blue, and long, spreading to his shoulders. Second thing she noticed was his seeming unawareness of his surroundings. The hallway leading to the door was clean as a whistle, but the boy at the door seemed to be in the middle of something, his t-shirt on backwards, and with his shorts, quite clearly covered in paint stains.

"Hello, is your mother or father there?" Zoe smiled in what at least she thought was a comforting way.
The boy glanced around. "I'm afraid not. My mother's in London and my father's at work."
Zoe maintained her smile. Why was this kid giving so much information? "Well, in that case, could you give this leaflet to your father when he gets home?"
"He's a Tory, you know. He won't listen. But I do have an opportunity for..." The boy waved his hand wildy at Zoe. "You people. There's a climate strike planned for the local Comp, and we're looking for local political support."
Zoe's smile wavered. "Thank you, but-"
"I think you'll find that this is no small affair. We have support in the school's many consittuent cliques. Even the racist lads who kick around a football after school, you know the type, are on our side. We have potential to bring the matter of climate action to the people of Silton as a whole, no matter their..." He laughed slightly. "Political position. My name's Peter, by the way. Never liked it, always seemed a bit passé. You are?"
Zoe's smile had completely fallen by now. Kid thought himself a politician.
"Listen, Peter. What age are you?"
"I don't see the relevance of that fact. I will have you know that despite my age I am a cunning operator. For example, I know the entire political composition of the local CLP, which-"
"I have other doors to knock, Peter. I'll see what we can do about the strike." Zoe exhaled.
"Very good. And by the way, I'm sixteen. Just."
Zoe smiled again. "You remind me of when I was sixteen."
Peter looked back, blankly. "You types always say that."
The door closed. Zoe began to walk away, before turning back, stuffing a leaflet through the letterbox.
Zoe trounced onto the next house. No one was in. She kicked herself for not thinking through running leaflets on a Wednesday at 14:00. Onwards, nonetheless.
================
 
Well that and Bryan Gould ties with only Michael Meacher in ‘Post 81’ Left Wing Labour Leader that doesn’t immediately lead to AES or Roy Jenkins shitting himself’
Yeah, as much as I like to propose Ken, in terms of not returning to london local government he is a creature who screams "dodgy left wing junior minister pick hounded upon by the press and barely kept in check kicked out after two years of causing constant trouble"
 
in an attempt to feed @bd_roberts

i wrote up the lyrics to an entire "song" about the labour party from 1979 to now

Geoffrey, why are we in such a state nowadays? We had come so far!
piano keys tinkle
Well, Jean, it's simple enough.
Guitars kick in

IT WAS THE SUMMER OF '79,
WHEN CALLAGHAN MADE HIS STAND,
EVERYONE TOOK THE LOSS AND BLAMED IT ON THE RIGHT,
THEY HAD CERTAINLY OVERPLAYED THEIR HAND

THE BATTLES THAT TOOK PLACE IN 1981
SURELY LEFT US BADLY EQUIPPED
IT REALLY LEFT US SHAKEN, ABSOLUTELY DONE
WHEN THE GANG OF FOUR RESIGNED THE WHIP

OH AND THAT LEFT, THOSE RUDDY BASTARDS IN THE RED,
YOUR TONY BENNS AND LIVINGSTONES
THEY TOOK THE CONSTITUTION, AND TURNED IT ON IT'S HEAD,
THEY WERE LIKE LITTLE LOONY DRONES

BUT THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND I KNOW THAT YOU WANNA HEAR MORE
OH, THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND EVERYONE'S HEARD IT BEFORE

THE RIGHT HAD TAKEN OVER, AND DRIVEN IT OFF THE EDGE
OH, WITH THEIR MODERATE CRAP
AND AS THE GRASSROOTS PUSH BEGAN TO MAKE A LOT OF HEAD
THEY AT LAST FINALLY SNAPPED

THEY DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO DEMOLISH LOCAL POWER,
DESTROYED ALL OUR VALUES JUST LIKE A GROUP OF COWARDS,
FILTERED ALL THEIR GARBAGE THROUGH MEANINGLESS TERMS A
ND DRESSED IN SUITS AND TIES, LIKE AN INSURANCE FIRM

IN CAME RIGHTY NEIL WITH A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER,
WITH NEC REFORMS KEPT IN A MANILA FOLDER,
DEMOCRACY AND SOCIALISM OFF THE RECORD,
WITH NATIONALISATION PLASTERED ON THE DARTBOARD

BUT THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND I KNOW THAT YOU WANNA HEAR MORE
OH, THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND EVERYONE'S HEARD IT BEFORE

THROUGH THATCHER AND MAJOR, AND INTO BLAIR
BRITAIN NEEDED HEALING, AND TO BE FREE AND FAIR
PEACE IN NORTHERN IRELAND, AND MASS DEVOLUTION
AND NHS INVESTMENT, A REAL REVOLUTION

BUT OF COURSE THAT IGNORES VOTER ID
SINGLE PARENT CUTS AND MEN OVERSEAS
SHAKING HANDS WITH MURDOCH AND GIVING LEFTISTS THE SACK
AND WHO COULD OF COURSE FORGET INVADING IRAQ

NOW IT'S YEARS ONWARD AND EVERYONE FEARS,
THROUGH BROWN, THROUGH ED, THROUGH JEZ, AND NOW ONTO KEIR,
THAT LABOUR SHALL NEVER BE A PART OF POWER
AND THAT THE ROSE SHALL BE A FOREVER DYING FLOWER

SO THAT SHOULD BE BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY,
OF HOW LABOUR HAD LOST IT'S WAY
OH, THAT SHOULD BE BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY,
OF WHY WE STILL CAMPAIGN TODAY

piano run

this took me twenty minutes
 
Last edited:
in an attempt to feed @bd_roberts

i wrote up the lyrics to an entire "song" about the labour party from 1979 to now

Geoffrey, why are we in such a state nowadays? We had come so far!
piano keys tinkle
Well, Jean, it's simple enough.
Guitars kick in

IT WAS THE SUMMER OF '79,
WHEN CALLAGHAN MADE HIS STAND,
EVERYONE TOOK THE LOSS AND BLAMED IT ON THE RIGHT,
THEY HAD CERTAINLY OVERPLAYED THEIR HAND

THE BATTLES THAT TOOK PLACE IN 1981
SURELY LEFT US BADLY EQUIPPED
IT REALLY LEFT US SHAKEN, ABSOLUTELY DONE
WHEN THE GANG OF FOUR RESIGNED THE WHIP

OH AND THAT LEFT, THOSE RUDDY BASTARDS IN THE RED,
YOUR TONY BENNS AND LIVINGSTONES
THEY TOOK THE CONSTITUTION, AND TURNED IT ON IT'S HEAD,
THEY WERE LIKE LITTLE LOONY DRONES

BUT THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND I KNOW THAT YOU WANNA HEAR MORE
OH, THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND EVERYONE'S HEARD IT BEFORE

THE RIGHT HAD TAKEN OVER, AND DRIVEN IT OFF THE EDGE
OH, WITH THEIR MODERATE CRAP
AND AS THE GRASSROOTS PUSH BEGAN TO MAKE A LOT OF HEAD
THEY AT LAST FINALLY SNAPPED

THEY DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO DEMOLISH LOCAL POWER,
DESTROYED ALL OUR VALUES JUST LIKE A GROUP OF COWARDS,
FILTERED ALL THEIR GARBAGE THROUGH MEANINGLESS TERMS A
ND DRESSED IN SUITS AND TIES, LIKE AN INSURANCE FIRM

IN CAME RIGHTY NEIL WITH A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER,
WITH NEC REFORMS KEPT IN A MANILA FOLDER,
DEMOCRACY AND SOCIALISM OFF THE RECORD,
WITH NATIONALISATION PLASTERED ON THE DARTBOARD

BUT THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND I KNOW THAT YOU WANNA HEAR MORE
OH, THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND EVERYONE'S HEARD IT BEFORE

THROUGH THATCHER AND MAJOR, AND INTO BLAIR
BRITAIN NEEDED HEALING, AND TO BE FREE AND FAIR
PEACE IN NORTHERN IRELAND, AND MASS DEVOLUTION
AND NHS INVESTMENT, A REAL REVOLUTION

BUT OF COURSE THAT IGNORES VOTER ID
SINGLE PARENT CUTS AND MEN OVERSEAS
SHAKING HANDS WITH MURDOCH AND GIVING LEFTISTS THE SACK
AND WHO COULD OF COURSE FORGET INVADING IRAQ

NOW IT'S YEARS ONWARD AND EVERYONE FEARS,
THROUGH BROWN, THROUGH ED, THROUGH JEZ, AND NOW ONTO KEIR,
THAT LABOUR SHALL NEVER BE A PART OF POWER
AND THAT THE ROSE SHALL BE A FOREVER DYING FLOWER

SO THAT SHOULD BE BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY,
OF HOW LABOUR HAD LOST IT'S WAY
OH, THAT SHOULD BE BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY,
OF WHY WE STILL CAMPAIGN TODAY

piano run

this took me twenty minutes
@Time Enough sorry for the second mention in this thread tonight, I just can’t let this pass by without your opinion
 
in an attempt to feed @bd_roberts

i wrote up the lyrics to an entire "song" about the labour party from 1979 to now

Geoffrey, why are we in such a state nowadays? We had come so far!
piano keys tinkle
Well, Jean, it's simple enough.
Guitars kick in

IT WAS THE SUMMER OF '79,
WHEN CALLAGHAN MADE HIS STAND,
EVERYONE TOOK THE LOSS AND BLAMED IT ON THE RIGHT,
THEY HAD CERTAINLY OVERPLAYED THEIR HAND

THE BATTLES THAT TOOK PLACE IN 1981
SURELY LEFT US BADLY EQUIPPED
IT REALLY LEFT US SHAKEN, ABSOLUTELY DONE
WHEN THE GANG OF FOUR RESIGNED THE WHIP

OH AND THAT LEFT, THOSE RUDDY BASTARDS IN THE RED,
YOUR TONY BENNS AND LIVINGSTONES
THEY TOOK THE CONSTITUTION, AND TURNED IT ON IT'S HEAD,
THEY WERE LIKE LITTLE LOONY DRONES

BUT THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND I KNOW THAT YOU WANNA HEAR MORE
OH, THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND EVERYONE'S HEARD IT BEFORE

THE RIGHT HAD TAKEN OVER, AND DRIVEN IT OFF THE EDGE
OH, WITH THEIR MODERATE CRAP
AND AS THE GRASSROOTS PUSH BEGAN TO MAKE A LOT OF HEAD
THEY AT LAST FINALLY SNAPPED

THEY DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO DEMOLISH LOCAL POWER,
DESTROYED ALL OUR VALUES JUST LIKE A GROUP OF COWARDS,
FILTERED ALL THEIR GARBAGE THROUGH MEANINGLESS TERMS A
ND DRESSED IN SUITS AND TIES, LIKE AN INSURANCE FIRM

IN CAME RIGHTY NEIL WITH A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER,
WITH NEC REFORMS KEPT IN A MANILA FOLDER,
DEMOCRACY AND SOCIALISM OFF THE RECORD,
WITH NATIONALISATION PLASTERED ON THE DARTBOARD

BUT THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND I KNOW THAT YOU WANNA HEAR MORE
OH, THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND EVERYONE'S HEARD IT BEFORE

THROUGH THATCHER AND MAJOR, AND INTO BLAIR
BRITAIN NEEDED HEALING, AND TO BE FREE AND FAIR
PEACE IN NORTHERN IRELAND, AND MASS DEVOLUTION
AND NHS INVESTMENT, A REAL REVOLUTION

BUT OF COURSE THAT IGNORES VOTER ID
SINGLE PARENT CUTS AND MEN OVERSEAS
SHAKING HANDS WITH MURDOCH AND GIVING LEFTISTS THE SACK
AND WHO COULD OF COURSE FORGET INVADING IRAQ

NOW IT'S YEARS ONWARD AND EVERYONE FEARS,
THROUGH BROWN, THROUGH ED, THROUGH JEZ, AND NOW ONTO KEIR,
THAT LABOUR SHALL NEVER BE A PART OF POWER
AND THAT THE ROSE SHALL BE A FOREVER DYING FLOWER

SO THAT SHOULD BE BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY,
OF HOW LABOUR HAD LOST IT'S WAY
OH, THAT SHOULD BE BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY,
OF WHY WE STILL CAMPAIGN TODAY

piano run

this took me twenty minutes
I'm mailing this to elton john
If this gets me a restraining order i'll sue you.
 
note to self:
do not assume everyone on the internet has your garbage caffeine-fueled sleep schedule when shitposting about british politics at one am

apologies to time enough, i'm not good at recognising certain boundaries and knowing when i've crossed lines.
 
Last edited:
in an attempt to feed @bd_roberts

i wrote up the lyrics to an entire "song" about the labour party from 1979 to now

Geoffrey, why are we in such a state nowadays? We had come so far!
piano keys tinkle
Well, Jean, it's simple enough.
Guitars kick in

IT WAS THE SUMMER OF '79,
WHEN CALLAGHAN MADE HIS STAND,
EVERYONE TOOK THE LOSS AND BLAMED IT ON THE RIGHT,
THEY HAD CERTAINLY OVERPLAYED THEIR HAND

THE BATTLES THAT TOOK PLACE IN 1981
SURELY LEFT US BADLY EQUIPPED
IT REALLY LEFT US SHAKEN, ABSOLUTELY DONE
WHEN THE GANG OF FOUR RESIGNED THE WHIP

OH AND THAT LEFT, THOSE RUDDY BASTARDS IN THE RED,
YOUR TONY BENNS AND LIVINGSTONES
THEY TOOK THE CONSTITUTION, AND TURNED IT ON IT'S HEAD,
THEY WERE LIKE LITTLE LOONY DRONES

BUT THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND I KNOW THAT YOU WANNA HEAR MORE
OH, THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND EVERYONE'S HEARD IT BEFORE

THE RIGHT HAD TAKEN OVER, AND DRIVEN IT OFF THE EDGE
OH, WITH THEIR MODERATE CRAP
AND AS THE GRASSROOTS PUSH BEGAN TO MAKE A LOT OF HEAD
THEY AT LAST FINALLY SNAPPED

THEY DID EVERYTHING THEY COULD TO DEMOLISH LOCAL POWER,
DESTROYED ALL OUR VALUES JUST LIKE A GROUP OF COWARDS,
FILTERED ALL THEIR GARBAGE THROUGH MEANINGLESS TERMS A
ND DRESSED IN SUITS AND TIES, LIKE AN INSURANCE FIRM

IN CAME RIGHTY NEIL WITH A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER,
WITH NEC REFORMS KEPT IN A MANILA FOLDER,
DEMOCRACY AND SOCIALISM OFF THE RECORD,
WITH NATIONALISATION PLASTERED ON THE DARTBOARD

BUT THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND I KNOW THAT YOU WANNA HEAR MORE
OH, THAT'S JUST ONE SIDE OF THE STORY,
AND EVERYONE'S HEARD IT BEFORE

THROUGH THATCHER AND MAJOR, AND INTO BLAIR
BRITAIN NEEDED HEALING, AND TO BE FREE AND FAIR
PEACE IN NORTHERN IRELAND, AND MASS DEVOLUTION
AND NHS INVESTMENT, A REAL REVOLUTION

BUT OF COURSE THAT IGNORES VOTER ID
SINGLE PARENT CUTS AND MEN OVERSEAS
SHAKING HANDS WITH MURDOCH AND GIVING LEFTISTS THE SACK
AND WHO COULD OF COURSE FORGET INVADING IRAQ

NOW IT'S YEARS ONWARD AND EVERYONE FEARS,
THROUGH BROWN, THROUGH ED, THROUGH JEZ, AND NOW ONTO KEIR,
THAT LABOUR SHALL NEVER BE A PART OF POWER
AND THAT THE ROSE SHALL BE A FOREVER DYING FLOWER

SO THAT SHOULD BE BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY,
OF HOW LABOUR HAD LOST IT'S WAY
OH, THAT SHOULD BE BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY,
OF WHY WE STILL CAMPAIGN TODAY

piano run

this took me twenty minutes

Hello, based department??
 
Brownpunk: A Tribute To The Late Limonade
2007-2018: Gordon Brown (Labour)

2008 (Coalition with Liberal Democrats/Minority) def. David Cameron (Conservative), Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrats), Alex Salmond (SNP)
2009 Labour Leadership Contest: Gordon Brown 53%, David Miliband 47%
2009 STV Referendum: No 78%, Yes 22%
2009 (Minority) def. David Cameron (Conservative), Nick Clegg (Liberal Democrats), Alex Salmond (SNP), Bob Crow (No2EU)
2014 (Coalition with SNP/Minority) def. David Cameron (Conservative), Vince Cable, Interim Leader (Liberal Democrats), Alex Salmond (SNP), Nigel Farage (UKIP), Bob Crow (TUSC)
2016 (Coalition with UKIP/Minority) def. David Davis (Conservative), Norman Lamb (Liberal Democrats), Alex Salmond (SNP), Nigel Farage (UKIP), Derek Hatton (TUSC)
2017 European Union Referendum: In 51%, Out 49%

2018-: Andy Burnham (Labour)
2018 Labour Leadership Contest: Andy Burnham 42%, Jon Trickett 40%, Yvette Cooper 18%
2018 (Majority)
def. Michael Gove (Conservative), Norman Lamb (Liberal Democrats), Nigel Farage (UKIP), John Swinney (SNP), No Leader (TUSC)


not super proud of this one, as it's not my time period, but i think i did alright
 
"

Zoe came to the door of a small, unassuming household, positioned at the top of a small street. Silton, despite it's clearly quite Tory nature, was at least a place where you could tell who you might be able to swing. The unfortunate thing was, of course, no one voted for council elections anyway. A brief knock, followed by a wait. It took about a minute for someone to come to the door, someone who was clearly a teenage boy. First thing Zoe noticed was the hair. She was no stranger to dyed hair, but his was a spectacular shade of blue, and long, spreading to his shoulders. Second thing she noticed was his seeming unawareness of his surroundings. The hallway leading to the door was clean as a whistle, but the boy at the door seemed to be in the middle of something, his t-shirt on backwards, and with his shorts, quite clearly covered in paint stains.

"Hello, is your mother or father there?" Zoe smiled in what at least she thought was a comforting way.
The boy glanced around. "I'm afraid not. My mother's in London and my father's at work."
Zoe maintained her smile. Why was this kid giving so much information? "Well, in that case, could you give this leaflet to your father when he gets home?"
"He's a Tory, you know. He won't listen. But I do have an opportunity for..." The boy waved his hand wildy at Zoe. "You people. There's a climate strike planned for the local Comp, and we're looking for local political support."
Zoe's smile wavered. "Thank you, but-"
"I think you'll find that this is no small affair. We have support in the school's many consittuent cliques. Even the racist lads who kick around a football after school, you know the type, are on our side. We have potential to bring the matter of climate action to the people of Silton as a whole, no matter their..." He laughed slightly. "Political position. My name's Peter, by the way. Never liked it, always seemed a bit passé. You are?"
Zoe's smile had completely fallen by now. Kid thought himself a politician.
"Listen, Peter. What age are you?"
"I don't see the relevance of that fact. I will have you know that despite my age I am a cunning operator. For example, I know the entire political composition of the local CLP, which-"
"I have other doors to knock, Peter. I'll see what we can do about the strike." Zoe exhaled.
"Very good. And by the way, I'm sixteen. Just."
Zoe smiled again. "You remind me of when I was sixteen."
Peter looked back, blankly. "You types always say that."
The door closed. Zoe began to walk away, before turning back, stuffing a leaflet through the letterbox.
Zoe trounced onto the next house. No one was in. She kicked herself for not thinking through running leaflets on a Wednesday at 14:00. Onwards, nonetheless.
================
The rain had stopped by that point, but the narrow hallway to the “Pepton and Treeden Constituency Labour Party Headquarters“ still smelt like fungal rot. Zoe trudged past the empty cardboard boxes scattered around the floor. No one knew where they came from, but new ones appeared every week anyway. The door to the ”meeting area”, the only room they could afford, had a A4 printout with the Labour rose logo on it. Zoe could hear a muffled discussion from behind the door. She sighed, and opened it.
“-and I think it’s fair to say, Louis, the only people who actually care about the damn climate around here are the kids anyway!”
Mary, one of three Labour councillors in the entire county of Wiltshire, turned towards the door. “Hi, Zoe.”
Mary London was a tall, thin woman, her long hair tied up in a neat ponytail. Her clothing, neat and plain, matched what Zoe considered her personality to be, Relentlessly pragmatic to a fault. Having been the massive scalp in the only victory the CLP ever produced, Mary considered herself to be quite the operator.
“You heard about this climate thing?” Zoe said, eyeing Louis, who was massaging their forehead in stress. ”There was a kid at one of the doors who told me about it.“
Louis looked up. “Yes, I heard about it too. I think it’s important we do something about it. Not only is it party policy, it’s also just the right thing to do.”
Mary looked infuriated by this. “I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. Three kids will sit outside of school for a couple days to piss off their parents, then they’ll go back inside when it starts raining. Simple thing to do, we ignore it, and avoid pissing off every fifty-something parent in Pepton by associating their teens who won’t eat their vegetables with the Labour Party even more than they do already, and the hundred-odd people who vote in these damn things will come out for the nice clean lady who talks about how lovely the local scenery is, and how maybe it would be nice to recycle plastic bottles in the park rather than chuck it in the nearest landfill. That’s how we get things done here, alright?”
Zoe threw herself down on a chair. They usually went like this for around an hour. She wondered how much she missed.
“Jesus, are you that deluded?“ Louis stood up dramatically, to which Mary equally dramatically rolled her eyes. “This town isn’t just a mass of random old men shouting about how much they wish the muslims would go home, there’s a ton of people who genuinely believe in helping the world as a whole rather than leaving it to rot! People are out there and they’re concerned for their children’s futures, no matter whether or not they dye their hair or something. It’s very easy to dismiss everyone in this town as just more tories, but there are a significant sector of people who think that the future matters!”
Zoe, at this point, was lying back in her chair, looking at the ceiling.
”Guys. Shut up. For just a second.” She sighed. ”I am chair, technically. So if we could just keep it cool, I would like to say that Mary, you can fuck off. Louis, also, equally, fuck off. I show up to the strike, see the turnout, and if it’s significant, we endorse it wholeheartedly. We don’t want Stevens getting in before us.“ The mention of the local smug Libdem weevil who seemed to be dedicated to destroying Labour, and especially Mary, at any opportunity registered significantly on her face.
”If it’s too small, we do what Mary said, and we do nothing. We don’t denounce it, that would be insanity, but we don’t help, we don’t acknowledge, we simply don’t do anything. The kids will be fine, they’ll do things at their own pace. Understood?”
Louis seemed like they were about to say something, but they faltered, and sat back down. “Understood.”
Mary thought about it for a moment, “Fine.”
Zoe sat back up. ”Oh, Mary, by the way, can you settle something for us? Who’d be more likely to win the election in 1994, Tony Blair or Bryan Gould?“
Mary, without hesitation, immediately perked up. “Gould’s a kiwi, not a chance. Blair.”
Zoe smiled.”I fucking called it.”
Louis exhaled in amusement. “What’s her authority?”
Mary laughed. “Well, I’m the only person in this room to get elected, aren’t I?”
”I got elected as equalities chair.”
”Only twenty people voted.“
”Yeah, but I got seventeen votes. I miss John.”
The room went silent briefly at the mention of John, who had moved up the country to Leeds for his girlfriend.
”Have you talked to John recently?” Zoe said. “I should probably keep in contact more.”
Louis piped up. “He’s fine. Still a bit shaken after his dad passed, but he’s gotten a lot better. He shaved!”
Mary looked at Louis quizically. “John? Christ, I can’t imagine him without the beard. That thing got so long...”
The room went silent again.
Mary sighed. “Anyway, I have to go again, got some paperwork to do.”
”I’ll see you soon, Mary.” Zoe said. “Good to see you.”
Mary traipsed out of the room. As she left, she accidentally kicked one of the cardboard boxes on the floor, mumbling what was presumably an expletive, Zoe figured.
Louis looked at Zoe, smiling smugly.
”What?”
”I got in your head. You weren’t acting as courteous towards Mary as you usually are.”
”Fuck off, Louis.”
=============
 
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