reposted from the opium den
Political Parties of the United States
Major:
Democratic:
The Democratic Party is chock full of what can only be described as the perfect representation of the modern conservative movement. While the party wins votes because President Dolan and his buddies put the fear of god and people with brown skin into his supporters, the platform is full of people who say "no no no I'm not a socialist like the USSR or Spain, I'm a Prussian socialist"- which of course, is socialism that supports private property and the growth of the west while opposing strikes and longer work weeks. Lets check how their wonderful primary is going!
Candidates:
President Terry Dolan (D-CT) - President Dolan is wonderfully popular within his own party and among almost every faction that could possibly exist, from the Christian fundamentalists, to the Prussian-style Socialists, to the working man who just wants to keep on getting jobs building those damn neighborhood walls. Dolan's regime has only lasted four years, but it seems as strong as ever. However, the man is - gasps - aging, and the famed John Entine wing of the Democratic Party would hate to see such an old fart holding things up in the White House, so of course, he has to have an opponent. Well, two actually.
Lt. Governor Robert Anderholt (D-AL) - After about two years the "Democrats Against Dolan" program found their best candidate, some random Lt. Governor from one of the safest Democratic states in the nation. Anderholt knows he's not going to win, I think everybody knows that, and instead he feels like a sort of controlled opposition, like the one you'd see in a dictatorship, and its clear he's only in it to gain momentum for the 2022 Alabama gubernatorial election. He's making sure he can get Dolan's endorsement too, as his "attacks" on the president are all remarkably soft.
Dr. Zeke Emanuel (D-IL) - ????? Yeah I have no clue what this man is doing. Emanuel is known as a campaigner for mask-off "Duty to die" policies, which would be fine and dandy, but as a black northern Jew the groups that those ideals would appeal to generally despise him. Hell, the man is probably risking his own life by campaigning in his own rallies, but I suppose he's gotta get his point across somehow.
Republican:
The Republican Party, the party of Roosevelt, Wood, and Lodge, has decided to once again enter a race by calling out for greater American expansion across the globe. Sure, President Dolan just sent troops to shoot down members of the Southern Chinese Independence Movement, but that simply wasn't enough. They want blood for the blood god and hey, if you'll vote for them maybe they'll tear down those pesky walls in Birmingham and give some meager civil rights advances! Let's look at who their candidates are this time around.
Candidates
Sen. Bruce P. Jackson (R-NY) - For about four straight elections Senator Jackson has entered the Republican primary as a key contender, faltered almost immediately, and collapsed to go back to New York grumbling about Communism in Europe or something. However, on his fifth run, Jackson looks stronger than ever after the passage of the Jackson-Miller Act with Democratic Senator Stephen Miller that has become quite popular with Republican voters.
Gov. Charlie Summers (R-ME) - Originally celebrated as the man who could defeat both Jackson and Dolan, Summers has faced nothing but criticism since he began his run. The Parti Franco-Américain has claimed that he suppressed the vote during his incredibly close re-election campaign, he's faced attacks for his response to the Augusta Prison Riot, and he may have some corrupt dealings in his past. Of course he'll still poll at 16% because he's got some strange ties to the media that just love fawning over him.
Sen. Mike Coffman (R-CO) - LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SHUT UP MODERATE LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THIS IS THE WORST GREAT MODERATE HOPE YET HOW ARE YOU LOSING TO SUMMERS
Rep. Gene Amondson (R-OR) - Yeah of all the candidates I'd expect to be polling in a close fourth place in the Republican primary, a 77 year old ex-reverend and logger who only got famous for beating liver cancer 40 years ago and also for being probably the worst governor in Oregon history after getting caught running an operation to discredit anti-logging activists in Oregon in the 1990s which included probable election-rigging against the Socialist-Ecologists. Still, he somehow made a comeback 18 years ago and we're dealing with the consequences right now.
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) - Rand Paul is the best example of "only a Republican because he hates the Democrats", he's anti-war and anti-imperialism and he's basically a walking advertisement for the Anti-Imperialist League. He got elected in Kentucky off of that Bluegrass Libertarian tradition and because he's anti-eugenics, which alone puts him in the upper echelon of senators. Too bad he wants to eat the poors. Just form a third party at this point dog, you already have a 68% approval rating in a Democratic state.
Mr. Leonard Padilla (R-CA) - You know, I knew the Republicans were in bad shape but holy fuck this dude is a literal bounty hunter polling at 5%. Your party is fucked.
Michele Bachmann (R-MN) - The only Republican in Minnesota's Congressional Delegation is basically just Democrat, but she's risking it all to run, as her expected support from the Women's Party (who backed her to two successful electoral victories in 2016 and 2018) isn't backing her, and her base is being eaten up by Amondson. Not only that but her participation in the Republican primary could cost her Democratic endorsement, which means Minnesota will probably return to its all-local delegation once more.
Minor:
Left-Alternative: The unification of the Socialist, Workers, Communist, and Ecology Parties has been nothing but good for the LA, who now consistently get 4%! Their two senate seats as a result of momentary fusion with the Volksunion and Green Republicans has been great, and there's a possibility that they could finally win a state. Lets also not forget that long-serving party chairman Walt Brown has a bit of a bone to pick with a certain Republican...
Progressive Conservative: No please keep talking about compromise I'm sure it will end the rampant machine politics and racism that exists all over. Speaking of which how did that fusion attempt with the Democrats in New York go? Yeah exactly.
Liberation!: Please just join the Left-Alternative.
Larouche Was Right: LaRouche died of mysterious causes 3 years ago, and since then his tiny little cult has somehow grown as many are beginning to believe he was killed by the government. His wife is currently running and trying to secure the Volksunion endorsement, which won't happen, but hey they could get some federal representation soon!
Christian Union: Jack Fellure wants you to know that Terry Dolan isn't a real Christian because he works with Catholics and reads a version of the bible that isn't the King James Version.
Anti-Imperialist League (?): Could this be the year???? Ever since 1996 the AIL has constantly been hinting at turning their organization into a real political party. They've always pussied out by endorsing the lesser of two evils or by letting state/county organizations decide, but with Rand Paul looking popular and new chairman (and totally straight man) Justin Raimondo apparently calling for a party structure, there's certainly a possibility.
Women's Party: What an insane centrist nightmare. Hillary Rodham's spine has officially given out as everyone's favorite "WHITE WOMEN EMPOWERMENT" organization is heavily considering backing Bruce fucking Jackson and giving him a boost in the Republican primary. Jesus Christ I thought they were broken when their members joined the police in the Chicago riots or when they ran the anti-homosexuality campaign in California, but now they're not even trying.
Flat Tax: Bill Clinton is mad that some failson stole his thunder and his massive base of 0.1% of the voting population. Remember when he was going to change Arkansas before he got caught with hookers?
Sam Walton: Sam Walton has abandoned the Republican Party after they failed to push for a flat tax and is now running an incredibly meager independent campaign. Despite outspending everyone by an at least 3-1 margin, he's only polling at 7%, although his campaign might be on the upswing soon enough.
Regional/Ethnic Parties:
Volksunion: DO IT DO IT DO IT ENDORSE THE LEFT ALTERNATIVE YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO DO IT DO IT DO IT
Minnesota Farmer-Labor: Trying their hardest to keep unity between the wings of their party that supports the Left Alternative and the wing that supports the Democrats. They'll go neutral again, but they'll also unseat Bachmann and Penny and reclaim their one-party system.
Minnesota Independence: Fucked. Completely fucked. Enjoy federal representation while it lasts and congratulations on endorsing Jackson for the fifth time.
Parti Franco-Américain: Lying to themselves by saying that this is finally the year they'll run that unpledged electors slate in Maine instead of just pussying out again and endorsing Dolan. I'm pretty sure LePage already has at this point so there's not even really a point. Their affiliate in Louisiana is a little bolder, but that's only because Edwin Edwards is becoming increasingly liberal in his 90s and they're basically controlled opposition anyways.
Alaskan Independence: FREE MY BOI DON ALL HE DID WAS TAKE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS IN BRIBES
Mecham Movement: Arizona's favorite third-party cult of personality is yet again looking to split the Democratic vote and send Republicans into victory in Arizona. Didn't Mecham die like 10 years ago???
Black People's, Asian Unity, La Raza, Lula Home: Very hard to gain national votes when most of your potential supporters are disenfranchised, but you do get to join some local machines I suppose. The pain never ends.