The Road to Rose Cottage, Part 2.
Party Rundown: 18th July 2022
Conservative: Whelp, following the Shipley by-election the tories are are a minority government! However as of the 5 seats they lost, two were to the SNP, two to the Lib Dems and only one to Labour. So Jeremy Hunt is hoping to wait out the next year based on the mutual loathing of the opposition parties.
Labour: WILL YVETTE COOPER RESIGN?! Sorry it’s a Pavlovian response at this point, its been over a year noWILL CHUKA UMUNNA RESIGN?!
Liberal Democrat: Polling technically puts a combined Liberal-Green alliance on 25%, above Labour. On one poll and not the in the same one poll Labour polled below 25% on. This is apparently how maths works.
Green: nope, I’m still stuck on this idea, lets decide this once and for all. Heads they form an electoral pact with the lib dems, tails we drop this once and forever. *finger in ear* I’m being told the left of the party object to the use of currency. Well its not like anyone listens to them any more.
UKIP: After the people’s Nige stood down and fucked off to TrumpTV I was hoping we’d be done with conspiracy theories of how Remain won the referendum. UKIPs head of Media Carl Benjamin has just made them more obvious and obviously racist.
Plaid Cymru: Adam Price is stood in a stone circle undecided if he wants to curse the Welsh Labour party or the whole of the Conservatives.
SNP: Kirsty Blackman is telling Price to put a curse on Labour as it becomes apparent the by-election swings was Labour-SNP rather than the Tories.
Northern Irish Parties
DUP: *extremely @TheIO voice* minority Government! Pork for dayyyys!
Sinn Fein: Are probably writing their attack on the DUP-Tory link if they didn’t have a pre-made one ready.
UUP: Stuck in the awkward position or wanting to attack the DUP but be friendly to the Tories, despite having no MPs.
SDLP: Basically saying the same as Sinn Fein but with an added jab at abstentionism. Just another Sunday then.
Alliance: Naomi Long is STILL ALLIANCE LEADER. Lena! Come quick! She’s STILL HERE!
The BNP: Have gained a councillor from the Kippers because *checks notes* UKIP aren’t pushing for immigration reform hard enough, wow. (also I’ve just remembered the *checks notes* meme)
Left Unity: Tastycrats
Socialist Voice: Fingerlicans.
Socialist Worker’s Party: released party membership I think it says something about the SWP’s standing that they’ve failed to show any progress or growth throughout Miliband, Cooper and Umunna’s times as Labour leader.
National Health Alliance: Condemned the American Care Act that’s going through congress. I bet President Thune is shitting his (under)pants
Women’s Rights: I only know they exist because of their Twitter. If Twitter do go down the shitter its going to ruin these lists. Are apparently one person still pissed off at Labour backing the Tories policy on gender self-identity like its still 2020.
National Action: Yup, still illegal, somehow still a thing.
English People’s Party: NEW PARTY KLAXON. Hoping to do for England what the SNP did for Scotland. I look forward to losing them losing two English independent referendums and half of their seats within a five year space.
I'm stopping here. its 36 degrees in Cheltenham right now and I think the rats have melted. (this bit is in character)